My breastfeeding manifesto.

I will be blunt: I really, really, really dislike it.

I have spent at least 90% of my waking time since Alexa was born thinking about one of these things:

1. Dreading the next feed.
2. Wondering if breastmilk can really be so different than formula.
3. Going back and forth on whether I can commit to this for even one more day.
4. Deciding that anyone who enjoys this must be crazy. :) (I have lots of friends who enjoy it and are not crazy...I'm just saying that I'm having trouble seeing how that is possible. lol)
5. Thinking of a million different scenarios to make this work between pumping and breastfeeding rather than just breastfeeding.
6. Being oh so bitter that the world has sufficiently produced this "breast is best" thing to the point I'm terrified to stop because the guilt will be overwhelming.

As I've googled all kinds of things about breastfeeding I have come across message board posts that amaze me. People go to ENORMOUS lengths to breastfeed. I have no issues that make me hate it - my supply seems to be fine and Alexa latches and feeds fine - and I still don't like it...so when I read about the things people do to make it work when it otherwise doesn't, I am just amazed. I have been searching for research studies that support the mania around breastfeeding and truth be told, I can't find the wealth of evidence that would match the enormous lengths people are going to to avoid formula. Yes, I believe that breastmilk is beneficial and sure it's probably better than formula. But is this something that really warrants people being miserable while trying to breastfeed for months on end? I just can't imagine.

Friends keep telling me to wait until 6 weeks to quit because it gets easier. I just hit 3 weeks and to think of doing this for another 3 weeks makes me want to roll around on the floor and pull my hair out. :) And then I think about what could change that much in 3 weeks from now that would make me feel differently. I know that babies eat more quickly and less frequently and those are two major issues for me right now. How on earth can I continue feeding a baby every 2 hours during the day for 30-40 minutes at a time when I have two older kids to take care of? It's not fair to them. I keep trying to imagine how I would feel if a feed took 10 minutes max and was only happening 4 times a day and twice at night (this is what the twins did on formula about 6 weeks). PERHAPS that would be manageable?! I just don't know. And I really don't know if I can make it to 6 weeks to find out.


Here is why I don't like breastfeeding:

--Alexa is completely dependent on me for food. I have to pump or breastfeed around the clock. I just can't stand not having the freedom to be away if needed. I feel so tied down by breastfeeding because anytime I would want to go somewhere with the twins I have to think about when her next feed is and how I can breastfeed. With formula, you pack a bottle. I know people say breastfeeding is easier because there are no bottles to clean and pack, but OMG I would clean a million bottles a day to avoid having to sit still all day long while I have a baby sucking on my breast for an ambiguous amount of time and for an ambiguous amount of milk.
--It takes way too long per session. 30-40 minutes. I know some babies speed up but not all. I know people who are still doing this at 6 months for that long! Seriously, can't even fathom that.
--It is way too often. She wants to feed every two hours and sometimes more. At night it's exciting when she goes 3 hours. :( :( :(
--The sensation of breastfeeding is something I find to be...I don't know the word...just not enjoyable. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it's definitely not relaxing or anything. I stare at the clock the whole time. It's NOT a bonding experience. I'm so excited when I pump and give her the bottle because it's so relaxing, she looks up into my eyes rather than straight at my breast, and I can just enjoy her and snuggle. When I breastfeed I feel like an animal. :( It seems gross to me.
--I have no idea how much she is getting to eat so there is no way to regulate it right now. With formula, I could pour exact amounts and regulate her eating and sleeping.
--The feeling of full breasts. I thought that was temporary but now I'm learning that you always have the sensation of milk filling up when it's time to feed again. I just find that to be bothersome. I can't even sleep on my side at night. Not to mention the fact that you leak so much you have to wear breast pads. It's uncomfortable and annoying.

I considered exclusively pumping but after a lot of research and trying to pump and feed even a couple of times in a row I realize that it's not a "time saver". It would be just as hard if not more so because you basically have to replace each breastfeeding session with a pumping session. That doesn't help when Nathan and Kenna are anxiously awaiting time with me.

So here I am. If I stop breastfeeding, tons of guilt for pulling away something that is really good for Alexa. If I keep breastfeeding, continued frustration and the impossibility of taking care of 3 kids under 2 at the same time (I have a lot of help right now because of my c section lifting restrictions but at 6 weeks I'll be back to my regular schedule with all of them again). If I exclusively pump, the only thing I gain is not having to breastfeed directly, and it would take even more time. Combined breastfeeding and pumping doesn't help much because I still have the issues of not enough time during the day to do it! Where does this leave me?

After three weeks of processing this I think I have decided on another option - pumping and formula combined. I think at this point, given all the issues above (and MOST importantly I should say I'm concerned about how much breastfeeding time takes away from Nathan and Kenna during the day), I have decided I'm OK with aiming for Alexa to have half breastmilk and half formula. That way she still gets the benefits, I won't feel guilty for pulling the plug, and I can feed bottles during the daytime hours, which is the big concern. Taking an average of 30 ounces a day that she'll be eating in the next 5 months or so, that means I want to pump 15 ounces. Right now I can pump 3 or 4 ounces every 2 or 3 hours. I'm hoping that if I pump 4 times per day I won't lose so much supply that I can't meet the 15 ounces. I can easily pump at 6:30 am (before the kids get up), 12:30 pm (when the kids go to nap), 6:30 pm (when the kids are down for the night) and 9 pm (when I go to bed). This seems to solve all the problems, as long as supply doesn't tank too much.

The question that remains is when to start this. I know if I cut back too soon it could be risky with the supply being too fragile. I know if I don't cut back soon enough I will lose more precious time with Alexa being distracted by not wanting to breastfeed. I know that I have exactly 3 more weeks of the extra help with Nathan and Kenna that allows me to continue breastfeeding so often and long and I need to get this squared away by the time that ends. Right now I just want to make it to one month (one more week) because that was my minimum goal to begin with. After that I think it will be day by day. I would love to get to 6 weeks to have the opportunity to see if it does get better, and maybe going day by day I'll get there. But no matter how much better it gets, breastfeeding just will never be something I enjoy doing. Hopefully with the plan of half formula/half breastmilk I can feel like I'm doing the best possible given our situation.

Introducing Alexa Grace!

We just got home yesterday so this is my first chance to post...Alexa Grace was born on September 14 at 10:11 am via c-section. :) She weighed 6 pounds 8 ounces, was 20 inches long, and has quite a bit of very dark hair! (Nathan and Kenna both have/had very light hair!)

I'm totally and completely head over heels in love with her. :)

I haven't even pulled pictures off my camera yet so I will have to post later with the pics and birth story. In the meantime, my c-section recovery is going pretty horribly. The first couple of days actually weren't so bad and then everything got worse. I didn't expect that. I pretty much am dealing with every single thing that "may" happen after a c section with the exception of incision infection: My body is completely swollen, I have a horrible back ache that makes it unbearable to walk without heavy pain meds, my stomach feels like it will fall out unless I wear some kind of brace, it has hurt terribly to urinate ever since they took the catheter out and I have extremely painful breast engorgement.

I've been trying to breastfeed but it's overwhelmingly painful despite the fact that probably 15 nurses and lactation consultants have assured me I'm doing it right. Right now I've resorted to just pumping for a while and I'll decide later if I want to try to feed directly. I am producing a ton of milk so I definitely don't want to just throw in the towel without giving it to her. But I started dreading every feeding because of the pain so I decided it's just not worth it to put myself through that in the midst of everything.

I will post more later but right now am just not up to much. I still am glad that I chose the c section because in the chance that an induction would have led to this and recovery would have been even worse, I couldn't have survived it!

Time change...

My doctor just called and she was able to get the c section moved to 9:30 tomorrow instead of 5:30. I guess no one wants a 5:30 c section because you have to wait all day and be hungry! I was a little surprised at first because at this point any change is going to throw me off but I think it's good...I won't have all that time to sit and obsess. We have to be there at 7:30. Ahhhhhhh!

My last full day pregnant

...is today. It's hard to believe that after all this, the baby will be here tomorrow. I'm desperately trying to be calm and brave today. But it is 7 am and the anxiousness is already starting to set in. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Bryan and I were talking over dinner last night about how this is one of the few pretty major surgeries in the world where you are actually awake for it. That is creepy.

I've read so much that I think I pretty much know what to expect at this point. It's not that type of unknown that scares me...it's the unknown of MY reaction to it all. As I tossed and turned last night I was thinking about that; the fact that most of my fear at this point is fear of my own thoughts and behaviors tomorrow! Basicaly, WILL I PANIC DURING THE C SECTION?! (Leading to them having to knock me out and I'll miss the birth?) That should make it seem very easy to say, "well then, I'm in control! I can CHOOSE to not be anxious!" And believe me, I am trying to "make that choice" today. The fact that I'm not running around like a total crazy person is a testament to the fact that I have somehow successfully supressed natural anxiety. :)

Tomorrow the kids leave for Bryan's parents' house around 9:30 am and we don't leave for the hospital until 2. Those 4.5 hours will be the longest of my life. But at least the peak of this mountain is tomorrow and even with a difficult recovery from a c section, everything is leading downhill from there.

Sometime this week I hope to be able to post an announcement before I get home from the hospital. I look forward to being at that point. :)

Pictures - 21 Months

(There is an update post below this one.)

First, here is the official "40 weeks pregnant" picture (well, technically 39 weeks and 6 days...yesterday at the beach). Is there a baby or a balloon under my shirt?



This is how N and K feel when mommy spends too long shopping at Costco.



Learning to hold hands for the first time - K, N and friend Elisabeth.

Nathan and Kenna Update - 21 Months

First, look over at my ticker - today is my due date! When you get a due date when you are first pregnant, I think most people assume the baby will come BY that date. Sort of an expiration date like on a loaf of bread. :) Unfortunately I'm still baking! So postponing my c section a week in the hope of labor didn't lead to the hopeful outcome BUT it was a really good thing because 1) it gave me time to feel better about the decision and 2) it gave me time to recover a bit from my cold. I'm still sick and will still have lingering cold symptoms on Tuesday but it will not be anything like it would have been last Tuesday. So I'm very grateful for that.

In the meantime, it's time for a 21 month old update. The twins turned 21 months last week. I mentioned this in the past, but I've really noticed that babies/toddlers really seem to go through major developmental spurts every three months. I have found that again to be true at this point - the difference between 18 months and 21 months is huge, and I've seen most of that change just in the last 2 or 3 weeks.

NATHAN

Nathan has totally and suddenly come into his own verbally in the last month. It's like a language explosion for him! I realized last month that whenever I ask them a question, it's always answered by Kenna and then we move on. "Do you guys want milk now?" "Yes" (Kenna) "OK, let's have milk then." I always chalked up Nathan's lack of responses in those areas to the fact that he was just slower to talk than his sister and Kenna LOVES to talk. But then I started realizing that he has no incentive to communicate responses because Kenna does it all for "them". Not only did this mean that he rarely answered a question directed at the two of them, it also formed a bad habit in that even when something was asked of him specifically he didn't really pay attention and just stayed focused on whatever he was doing. I immediately tried something new after realizing this and started always requiring an answer from Nathan. In cases where it was a question to both of them, after Kenna answered I said, "And Nathan, (repeat question)?" At first I had to really get him to look at me so he would realize I was requiring an answer. But literally after a couple of days he started answering questions on his own, no prompting, even when Kenna did too. And more importantly, he quickly became more aware and responsive when I was talking to him. It has been like night and day. He started using tons of new words, points out things wherever we go, tells me about things we read in books, etc. I don't know how much of this is due to the fact it was "just his time" but it sure did coincide with my change in "requiring" his communication. It was probably some of both. But I have felt really bad about not realizing it sooner...I feel like it's one of my worst parenting failures. :(

So the big news for Nathan is this communication explosion. I love hearing him talk and finally hearing so much about what goes on in his head! He has started to put two words together too, at the same time as Kenna. I assumed he would follow her development curve with all this language stuff and do that later, but he has started putting words together at exactly the same time. They have this little fall book about finding a pumpkin and he asks for it by name "pumpkin book!". They LOVE this book. On each page you look for the pumpkin but it isn't there until the end. So you keep asking the question and the answer is "nooooooo..." Nathan is gleeful about saying "nooooooo" and throughout the day I can ask him silly questions with that as the answer and he replies through sweet little laughs "noooooo". I love that!

Nathan seems to really have a sense of humor developing. He says things and then just starts laughing. One "joke" he likes to make is about enchiladas. He and Kenna both LOVE enchiladas when we go out to eat. They call them "ladas". They associate them with one particular place we go often and know immediately that's what they'll have (and can hardly wait). But when we go to other places, after we get them in high chairs, Nathan will say "ladas! Rice!" and laugh heartily, knowing we aren't at that place he knows! It's so funny to see him "make a joke". He also says it at breakfast sometimes and thinks it is so funny while we are eating oatmeal. "Ladas!"

Other random things Nathan enjoys right now:
--Emptying out boxes and sitting in them
--Climbing up playground equipment in order to go down big slides
--"Sharing" the foods he doesn't like as much with Kenna (he likes to pick out broccoli pieces and hand them to Kenna, saying "share!")
--The play box of kitchen utensils (plastic toys, not real ones!) - he gets it out first things every day
--Sleeping with TWO stuffed turtles...it used to be his one favorite stuffed animal but it was getting so dirty that grammy and papa ordered a replacement one for when we needed it. After that he started needing to sleep with BOTH of them after seeing they weren't one and the same. :)
--Climbing on anything and everything
--Putting things away...if it's out of place, it MUST be put back
--Immediately saying "hug" when he falls
--His "papa" (Bryan's dad)...when the doorbell rings, he shouts, "papa!" every time. Randomly throughout the day he will start talking about papa. Sometimes while driving he says "papa". The other day was the first time he said he loved someone unprompted and he said "I love papa".


KENNA

Just like with Nathan, Kenna has had a language explosion in the last couple of weeks...beyond what has already been a really incredible vocabulary. Every day she says new things that take me by surprise and she is getting really good at putting words together. She says things like "get it", "sit down", "lie down", "Nathan sad", "mommy sick" (while I have had a cold), "daddy working", etc. I think full sentences are just around the corner!

Kenna's French is also coming along really well. She knows about 15 animals in French, several body parts, several foods and many day to day words. She seems to really enjoy saying words in both languages and appears to grasp that there are two ways to say anything. She'll point at milk and say "lait! milk!" for example. Or in word books with animals, she will go through and point at them in English then tell me each one's word in French. She asks for her French books in French (i.e., by French title)! Bryan's dad commented the other day that he doesn't hear her/them say French words and was wondering if I was still talking to them in French. It's funny - I think she realizes that I'm the one who speaks this "other" way that she is learning and only uses the words with me. I never see her using the words with Bryan or anyone else. And I've observed that she uses some Spanish words with our nanny (she comes one day a week and speaks some Spanish to them, but not 100%)...though she never says anything in Spanish to me. I actually saw one day that our nanny was fully asking some questions in Spanish to Kenna and she responded with a Spanish word! I had no idea she was learning so much Spanish! I'm so fascinated by all of this - that she doesn't mix languages and knows who speaks what. It's really cool. Nathan understands some of the basic French instructions I give and a few basic words but doesn't show any interest like Kenna. It's clear that interest level impacts learning hugely at this point (any point I suppose). For him to learn, I would need to be much more fluent so that it's part of his every day life. With Kenna, she loves to memorize and use books, so that's perfect for my level of French to help her (I have a pretty huge vocabulary and basic conversational skills, but to just seamlessly incorporate it all day long wouldn't be possible).

One big developmental change for both of them lately is that they have learned their shapes and can easily put the shapes into shape sorters (lids with the shape hole cut out). A month ago they would get so frustrated with it and scream. Now they know what the shapes are called and can identify which hole they go into on first try usually. It seemed to happen over night!

Kenna is trying to figure out numbers. Anytime there is more than one of something, it's two. If there are lots of ducks at the park, there are "two ducks!" But I can't get her to understand there is a word for when there is only one of something. Both she and Nathan will carry two of something around and say "two (whatevers)". A good technique for calming Kenna has been to tell her we are counting to ten for her to get self control and if she has not calmed down she'll go to time out. She tries to count along when we get to 6...she says, "6, 8, 10"! Bryan says she just prefers to show us that she knows even numbers already. :)

I would be remiss to not mention that Kenna has been EXTREMELY difficult in the last two weeks. Like we have never seen before. Like a poster child for the "Terrible Twos". I sort of assume that a lot of kids get like this at some point but this was SUDDEN and we can't figure out what triggered it. I'm working on different discipline techniques to see what is going to be best to manage this. It's been better for a couple of days so I'm hopeful. Before that, she had started to throw things ALL THE TIME, she was hitting at her toys and Nathan, screaming any time you said no, and all kinds of other lovely behaviors. Not a good time to push mommy to the breaking point when mommy is 39 weeks pregnant with a cold. I'm quickly seeing that she thrives off seeing that she made you angry, even when she is the one receiving punishment. I have *completely* reeled that in for the last couple of days by never looking angry and just swiftly putting her in time amount or holding her hands down. It seems to be working well (the lack of visible anger combined with very swift discipline - NO warnings - she is asked once to do whatever and if she does it again, immediate discipline). I can't believe a tiny child would be enjoying the power from seeing that she made someone very angry, but I'm starting to see that was the case here that augmented a bad snowball of behavior. So we're both working on it. :)

Despite this, she is still a very affectionate little girl and every night at bed time must give each of us and Nathan multiple kisses. She gets very upset if Nathan is already in his crib and she hasn't had enough kisses! "Kiss! Kiss!" We have been trying to teach them to say "I love you" for a while, and they are getting better at pronouncing it/repeating it. But yesterday I said "I love you" to Kenna and she turned around while climbing stairs and said (unprompted) "love you!" :)

The Final Doctor Appointment

I had my final appointment this morning, at 39.5 weeks. I went in having mentally conceded that the c section was the right decision for me...UNLESS I have made cervical progress. If I suddenly was dilated/effaced/etc. and an induction now looked like it would have a reasonable chance of success, I would go for it. I had a lot of contractions and pressure last night and thought there was a possibility something had changed.

The verdict: No progress. She could feel the head and said that maybe I was a little softer, but nothing that would lead her to consider it a favorable induction at this point. She'll even check me before the c section on Tuesday just in case something dramatic has happened but she said that is really unlikely this late.

So a c section it is. 5:30 pm on Tuesday (the 14th). I have to be there at 2:30 because she thinks she can get me in a little early.

I have made some peace with it, feeling it is the best decision I can come to. I guess I will always wonder what would have happened had I tried the induction, but I can live with it.

Last night I finally broke down and took a Sudafed (I try to avoid anything while pregnant but it is on my doctor's list of "OK" if you have to). It allowed me to sleep for the first time in 3 days. I desperately needed that for my sanity and feel much more human today. Most importantly, Bryan's parents were kind enough to take Nathan and Kenna all day yesterday, overnight and today so I could recuperate. I couldn't be more grateful. They are so incredibly generous with their time. When I woke up this morning and realized I didn't have to get the kids up and find the energy to entertain them today, I just about cried. Seriously. It's gotten really tough to manage 21 month old twins while super duper pregnant. :) So today is a better day. Some clarity with the decision to just do the c section, cold is starting to improve, I had sleep finally, and I have a break from the kids. If I can just make it to Tuesday everything is going to be OK. :)

39 Weeks Pregnant...With a Cold...Very Cranky :(

Well, here I am...39 weeks pregnant...no signs of labor at ALL...and I have a horrible cold. I want to go bury myself in a little hole and wake up next month.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was very sick with a cold also. I had a horrible anxiety attack because I couldn't take my standard cold medicines and couldn't breathe. I was pacing the hall all night. I immediately started feeling anxious about being "trapped" being pregnant, that a baby was going to have to come out in 9 months, etc. I'm extremely claustraphobic and not just in a physical environment way...situationally as well, as in this case. I always knew that I would probably be very scared and feel trapped if I were pregnant, though it was always more important to me to have kids so we continued to try everything. Periodically throughout the pregnancy those feelings of strong anxiety about not being able to just "get out" of the situation at any time have emerged and I have quickly worked to subdue the thoughts knowing I had a long road to go. Purely survival.

I now feel like I have no more energy to suppress this underlying anxiety. I have so much fear about giving birth, no matter the method, that it is overtaking me. With my physical strength now being down due to the cold I feel like I am just plain out of steam to mentally deal with all that is happening. It's the worst thing that could have happened to me right now. In fact, one of my prevailing thoughts when I was sick when I found out I was pregnant was, "what if I am sick when I give birth and can't breathe?" (Being claustraphobic, anything that produces the actual or perceived sensation of not being able to breathe is the end of the world.) They always say that anxiety leads you to produce the worst case thoughts and they rarely happen. Well, it has happened. I feel like someone has taken a two by four to my spirit right now and I can't get off the ground!

Thank God that I moved the c section from tomorrow so I have time to at least get some better. If it were still tomorrow I would just be hysterical. I can only hope that I make it to next Tuesday's c section with the cold being better. I tend to have long colds so I don't know, but it should at the very least be BETTER than now. ALL I can think about is that my nose will be stuffed up while lying flat on a surgery table and I will suffocate.

I continue to struggle between the planned c section on the 14th and an induction a few days later. I feel very certain I'm not going into labor on my own. The hardest thing for me is knowing that the vast majority of people would choose the induction, but in my heart of hearts I know that I would handle a c section much better and that the mental and physical stress of a long hard induction with an "unripe" cervix and 60% chance of eventual failure is something I'm just not prepared to deal with at this point. I wish I could just accept that I have some different considerations than most people and ignore the fact that many people seem to feel a c section is the end of the world. But when so many people feel differently than you do it makes you question your own judgement. I know people who thought a c section was just awful and others who thought it was just short of a breeze. Who knows where I would fall on that spectrum? There is no way to know.

It's weird. I've all but forgotten there is even a baby involved at this point. The next week or two seem like a giant mountain to climb, after which I would rather just crawl into a cave on the other side and recover from the emotional and physical toll this has all taken.

Small update

I spent all day yesterday researching, asking people online, asking people here on my blog, asking personal friends, etc. to help make a decision. (Thanks so much to all of you who responded! I read everything multiple times! lol) Bryan was gone all day so I had to wait to talk to him until after all this had transpired.

I was definitely impacted by the fact that pretty much everyone everywhere said they didn't understand why the doctor would push for a c section on Tuesday when baby is probably head down now and there is no reason to believe I won't go into labor. Even though most people said they would just go for the induction period, it was the most common thought that even if I personally wanted a c section over that, I should just move the c section later to see if I go into labor naturally. This was something we never really discussed at my appointment but after much thought, I decided to call and see if it was a possibility.

I talked to my doctor's assistant and explained I was interested to know if I could delay the c section until the days after my due date, that I wanted more time to go into labor, etc. I told her I was still considering the induction instead but wanted to know if this delay was even an option in my considerations. She went and talked to the doctor and called me back...to let me know they had just moved it a week later to September 14 (40 weeks and 2 days)! I was a little stunned because I said I just wanted to know for decision making purposes, but I knew pretty much at that point that I didn't want to force it on this Tuesday so I thanked her and hung up. Of course I didn't mention it at that point, but I knew if I slept on it and wanted to cancel altogether today I could just call back.

Bryan and I talked about things last night and we agreed that moving the c section was the best thing for now. We also discussed the fact that though most people might prefer an induction, it would in all likelihood be a very bad experience for me personally. Even if I could physically do it and end up with a successful one, I would be going into it with so much fear and tension about being forced into labor (and the resulting c section that would be worse than a planned c section) that it would hurt my chances anyway. (I read a whole study on this yesterday that showed that women going into labor, especially induced labor, with a lot of fear and anxiety have an even higher failure rate - up to 75%+.) We both know me very well and know that it would just not be the right thing given my anxiety. Sure, regular labor can fail too, but I wouldn't be going into it thinking that, unlike with the induction. I know this morning that if I canceled the c section altogether yesterday and was waiting for a likely induction, I would be absolutely miserable for the next two weeks with fear (more fear than the planned c section - the way I see it, either is a c section given my likelihood of induction failure as stated by my doctor, but EVERYONE says the recovery from an unplanned c section is way worse so I would be putting myself in the worst possible situation).

Probably the best thing that came out of my conversation with Bryan last night was that I do have a regular 39 week appointment on Wednesday of next week. If I do have progress by then they can't FORCE me into a c section the following Tuesday. I would tell them that I wanted to cancel and wait for labor/or induction. I wouldn't worry about the induction if my cervix were making progress - those inductions are very favorable. The whole reason for concern is that I have had no progress to date, and I have to assume that may remain the case up until induction. SO, I really bought myself a week to see if labor happens OR any new signs of labor happen, in which case I may still cancel the c section. But I do believe that if by next Wednesday nothing has happened to my cervix, I will take the c section on September 14 rather than face an induction with a highly unfavorable outlook.

The latest in the saga

Things couldn't be more unclear after the appointment today.

Ultrasound showed...baby head down. Again.

No effacement. No dilation.

Based on what I've told the doctor about feeling the baby being transverse a lot of the time, she thinks the reason for no effacement/dilation is that she is slipping back and forth between head down and transverse. For other people at this point she said she would think that the lack of progress was due to something else more temporary and that she wouldn't question going into labor, etc. In my case, based on what I've been feeling, she said that I may well not make progress at all because the baby is so inconsistent. That's why she said that if I did an induction, I would have a high likelihood of failure (ending in c section anyway). So she gave me to options.

1. Keep the c section on Tuesday.
2. Cancel and schedule an induction in my 40th week (probably September 15 or 16).

She really couldn't recommend either way. She said it is really up to me and how important it is to try for a vaginal birth. She said that I should consider what is my worst case scenario - if a c section is the worst, wait for induction. If a failed induction is worst, go for the c section.

I HAVE NO IDEA! I basically left it with her that if she didn't hear otherwise, I will be there for the c section next Tuesday. If I decide on the induction, I have to call tomorrow to schedule it and cancel the c section.

I truly have no idea what to do. I'm less freaked out than just annoyed at this point. Here are some considerations:

1. I asked her if my endometriosis could cause complications with the c section. She said it could if I have adhesions she has to cut through but she has no idea until she gets in there. It could mean the risk of damage to an organ or something is higher. But she said she wouldn't consider this a major consideration and she would think about the other preferences first.

2. What if all this time I've been thinking the baby is transverse and I've been WRONG?! If the baby truly went head down a couple of weeks ago and has been head down since then, it would be considered "normal" and I don't think she would be so worried about a failed induction. So all this concern is based on what I THINK is going on in there? I have NO confidence I know at this point! What if I'm on the road to a normal labor and have a c section instead based on my own misinformation?

3. It's very tempting to just do the c section next week because I want to be done being pregnant more than anything in the world. But I also want to make the best choice.

4. My worst case scenario is a failed induction. My best case scenario is just going into labor. But in order to schedule a c section in advance you can't just wait until after your due date, decide the baby isn't coming on its own and call for a c section the next day. If you could, that's what I would do. It's basically next Tuesday OR induction. (Assuming I don't go into labor first.)

5. I have no idea the likelihood of going into labor on my own between now and the induction. But if I choose the induction date and have to actually be induced I would be really really freaked out about it. It's not like you can just change your mind that morning and say, "nope, want a c section!"

If anyone has an opinion, please comment. Because I seriously don't know what to do. Your guess is as good as mine.

For what it's worth, I did get to see a lot of Alexa on the ultrasound. She had a cute little face and was sucking when I saw her. I got measurements on her for the first time and she is measuring about two weeks behind. They weren't concerned at all, she's just a smaller baby. She might be built very differently than Nathan and Kenna, who are both tall! Her estimated weight is 6 pounds 3 ounces.

9 days until c-section...

Well, tomorrow morning is the last ultrasound to check for position. I'm not even sure why we are doing it at this point...even if she is head down at the time of the ultrasound, the doctor said we would "talk about an induction while we can catch her in that position" but it would have a 60% chance of failure due to no cervical progress to date. Well, if that is still what she tells me, I will request the scheduled c-section. So head up = c section, head down = c section. I already know she is still flipping around all day long, so the ultrasound to me is doing nothing but looking at position at that particular moment.

That said, I've been reading a lot online about dilation, etc., and it seems to me that it's not unusual at all to have no dilation/effacement/etc. with your first baby before labor. I had concluded from my doctor that this meant an induction was 1) necessary and 2) likely to fail. So there is a small doubt in the back of my mind about what she is giving me as choices. Honestly at this point I don't really want choices because it's too stressful. I've been wrapping my head around the c section once again and it will almost be a relief tomorrow if the ultrasound makes it clear she is still not in the right position because then there will not be any discussion about ambiguities with next steps. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just counting down 9 days until c section.

I've been praying, praying, praying for peace about the whole thing because I've been so stressed about the surgery. I've been feeling some better the last couple of days so I hope that continues and I can confidently arrive at 7:30 am Sept 7 without bawling hysterically, which is my natural tendency. :)

In the meantime, I seriously can't figure out how I can be pregnant another week. lol I can hardly walk at this point, have aches and pains all over, have to rest half way up our stairs, wake up every two hours all night, and of course I continue to throw up every morning. I know, woe is me. :) But really, I'm trying to look forward to the c-section so that I know I will be on the path back to normalcy very soon. I'm disappointed that the recovery will be so long, but I'm using Halloween as my mental benchmark. By Halloween it will be a couple of days off from 8 weeks and by all indications that should be a full recovery if there are no complications. I LOVE the month of October so I'm hoping that during that time period I will just be happy with fall, college football and planning costumes for Halloween! I'm already reading about good post c-section exercise plans and am feeling very motivated to get into better shape than ever. I have to say that I'm not someone who has embraced the giant pregnant belly, so I'm thrilled to get back to my normal size. I HATE exercise normally but I'm hoping that getting back to normal as fast as possible will be a better motivator than I've ever had. :)

More news tomorrow...

Another turn of events

I went to the doctor for my 37 week appointment yesterday. She did my first cervical check. She couldn't feel the head, and there was no cervical "progress" (dilation/effacement). She wasn't certain but she thought the baby was transverse or breech again. I had a sneaking suspicion as of that morning. So the c section schedule remains on Sept 7. I have another ultrasound on Monday. If the baby is not head down, the c section goes forward the following week. Otherwise, we will have to talk about whether or not to induce while head down to try to catch her while in a good position. Even so, because she hasn't been head down enough to put pressure on my cervix and cause "progress" the doctor thought I would still have a 60% chance of normal labor failing and needing a csection.

So, yeah. I spent ALL day yesterday crying. No, really. ALL day.

Full term today!

Today I'm exactly 37 weeks pregnant. It's very hard to believe! I'm so glad we are nearing the end though. It's been an incredible journey that we are even at this point, but I'm looking forward to getting to the new phase of a family of five and feeling back to my old self.

Last week things took an interesting turn. I had my regular doctor's appointment (which was actually with the nurse practitioner this time). When she asked about kick counts (how much I'm feeling the baby move) I admitted it has slowed down and that really, I've never felt all that much movement. That seemed to concern her, and coupled with my fears about there being a reason for the baby being breeched, I finally agreed to have her send me to the hospital for some monitoring.

They started with an ultrasound. I informed the nurse that she was breech before we started. She looked at the screen and said, "She's not breech! She is head down now!" Literally that morning at the doctor's office I could feel her transverse - head on one side and butt on the other. In the intervening 3 hours she had gone head down - I was floored. The nurse said she didn't think she would turn again at this point and since then I'm pretty sure she has stayed down. I'm absolutely floored by this as I was all geared up for a c section, but to be honest have been elated that I can try for the vaginal birth now. Not because I want that experience, just because I know recovery will likely be so much easier. Everything looked great - I had more than enough amniotic fluid, baby moved all the time, had the right heart rate, etc. I hardly felt anything while she was moving on the monitor, so that answered my questions; the nurse said I'm one of the rare people who never feel that much - probably because I have a lot of amniotic fluid and an anterior placenta combined.

I was also having contractions every 10 minutes with a lot of intermediate "irritability" (small contractions). She said that would cause me to not feel as much movement too, because I have so many small contractions all the time.

On Friday I had a TON of contractions - almost constant. I thought maybe that was going to be it. But they eventually subsided and I've not had too many since. I must admit that it's a bit more exciting now wondering when labor will happen rather than waiting for the c section. Before I was SCARED of labor starting before the scheduled c section but now I can look forward to it. Interestingly I don't feel the fear I did at one time about going into labor. I think I can handle it much better than the c section at this point. My how my perspective has changed! lol

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I'll post an update after that.

Something random that makes me laugh

This happens every time...

Me: "Kenna, what is your name?"
Kenna: "Kenna!"

Me: "Nathan, what is your name?"
Nathan: "Name!"

:)

20 Months!

Nathan and Kenna are 20 months old now! As I type this they are on their way back from an overnight (and all day) with Grammy and Papa. We are so grateful that they have grandparents who love them so much and are close enough and willing to have them for these extended periods...some baby free time is such a nice break. No matter how much you love your kids, time away is soooo freeing. :) I woke up this morning and was like, "Seriously? There aren't two little people who are depending on me to get up right now?"

Here are some updates:

NATHAN

There is absolutely nothing that Nathan loves more than running and being chased. He's such a little boy that way! He is always trying to get someone to chase after him, which makes it a little tricky sometimes when you are genuinely telling him to "come here" and he laughs and runs away - not to be spiteful in those cases, just to try to entice you to play with him! Sometimes he actually runs directly into me and throws himself against me laughing. :) I love his little laugh so much! The only problem is that my big tummy right now makes it a little less pleasant!

Nathan's other favorite thing to do at the moment is open and close doors. He MUST open and close doors everywhere he goes. If you don't let him (for example, the laundry room door must stay open for the cat litter box), he SCREAMS! Our playroom has a huge gate all the way across and I've been trying to give them a little more freedom by leaving it open (so they can learn to stay in an area without being fenced in). But Nathan will have NONE of it - if the gate is not appropriately closed he starts jumping up and down and "lightly" screaming. Kenna doesn't like it either but doesn't quite get so disturbed. I tried to force the issue by just telling him that's how it is, the door stays open, you need to learn to accept things. But after he cried forever and just stood there trying to close it indefinitely my sanity was lost and I gave in. I'll try again another time. :)

On a similar note, Nathan can't go down for a nap or go to sleep for the night if everything in the room is not appropriately placed (baby OCD? lol). I usually remember to tell them we need to clean up the stuffed animals, etc. around the room before they go to sleep. But if I forget, they both promptly run around picking up everything. The other night we said it was time for prayers and Nathan came over to sit in my lap. But he turned around, saw there was a bunny on the floor and HAD to get up and put it away. Then he came back to sit down for prayers again, noticed something in the corner, and insisted on putting it away too (even after I told him it was fine). Finally he was able to relax in my arms for prayers. :) (Bryan is just like this at night - everything around him has to be perfect for him to relax, so it's funny to see a small child doing the same thing!)

Nathan still loves his comfort objects for sleep time. That of course still includes Tortue, his stuffed turtle, but it now also includes a blanket. Each nap and night time he must get on his tummy, hold his tortue, and be covered with his blanket. (Kenna on the other hand gets very upset if ANYTHING is in her crib.)

Nathan continues to be a great eater, loving pretty much everything and always wanting more! This little guy seriously would never admit he is full. It makes it a little difficult to know what type of portions to give because he just wants to keep eating! He's only had a few hot dogs in his life but I would have to say they are his favorite. He just gobbles them down. I don't normally give them hot dogs due to nitrites and ridiculous sodium levels but we've found some that are nitrite free so now he can have them once in a while. Kenna absolutely DESPISES hot dogs though - she literally tries to throw them up!

Nathan is such an independent litle boy. He can play by himself for a very long time - not at the same activity for a long time, but without adult or other child interaction. Even when I'm in the playroom with them, he's content to just move around doing his own thing. Kenna couldn't be more different - she wants a LOT of attention. Sometimes it is hard to believe they are siblings!

Nathan is quite good at sharing, more so than Kenna at this point. If she really wants something he has and she's whining, he usually gives it to her. Other times he says "share, share" and takes her something he's decided she should have. It's very sweet! He gets very peeved though if he is offering something she won't take - and starts getting louder: "SHARE! SHARE!" Both of them will tell the other to share when they want something the other has. So this concept is starting to settle in.

Lastly, Nathan rode his first horse at the fair the other day! It was my "day off" so daddy took them to the fair with some friends. When he got home, he showed me a picture of Nathan proudly riding a horse! I was a little sad this transpired when I wasn't there but I was enjoying my day off so I got over it. lol Kenna emphatically said she did NOT want to ride one. :)


KENNA

Kenna is trying very hard to put together sentences now. She says a whole bunch of stuff that isn't understandable and then one word at the end that you catch. It sounds like this, "ahned shobi pods apple". lol I'm pretty sure she is saying "I need ..." and uses that to construct all kinds of sentences because a lot of times it makes sense in that context. But it's hard to say. I'm trying to encourage her by repeating back what a full sentence sounds like rather than just individual words as it's been up to now. I'm also trying to ask her more questions (what is the baby sleeping on?) rather than just labeling questions (what's this? - pointing to a bed) so she can go to the next step.

Kenna counts to three with me - if I say "one...what comes after one?" she will fill in two and then three. She looks very proud of herself! I think she is starting to get the concept of counting now because she will pick up two of something and say "two (whatevers)" - but then again, if I show her a picture of three or four things she still answers two. :) She also labels things as plural a lot suddenly. Shoe is now shoes, pillow is pillows, etc. So she's definitely trying to figure these things out!

One of the most precious things she does right now is want to pray. I never have to worry about forgetting prayer before a meal because she will remind me. As soon as she is in her high chair she says VERY seriously, "Prayers. Prayers. God." It's SO cute, it's unbearable...she puts her hands together and squints her eyes very tightly. She then starts the prayer, "Dear God" and I do the rest. After we say "in Jesus's name..." both she and Nathan loudly say "AMEN!" The other day she started saying in the car while we were driving, "God. Dear God." We've never prayed with them outside of bed time and meal time so I was a little surprised but then I said, "Sure, we can talk to God any time! Do you want to talk to God?" I looked in the rear view and she had huge eyes and nodded SO seriously, "Yes. Yes." So we said a prayer in the car. It brings tears to my eyes sometimes, it's so sweet!

Kenna has some concept that Alexa is a baby, that she is in my tummy, and that she is a girl. Any time she sees something in the house for a baby that is pink she says, "lexa". She points at my stomach and says baby, and points at Alexa's car seat (already in our car!) and says "lexa". I have no idea who she thinks Alexa actually is, but it's cute to see that she seems to think of her as a real person!

Kenna seems to love looking cute already. In the last month especially she insists on having a barette in her hair in the morning. I will ask her to look at me when I put it in and then I tell her, "oh, that's so cute!" and she smiles hugely and runs off. She pulled a hat out of the drawer this week and put it on, and after I told her how cute it was, she wore it for a long time after...even a month ago she wouldn't keep a hat on for 5 minutes!

Kenna loves to hug various stuffed animals, especially small ones, in the playroom. For some reason lately she has been hugging them with her eyes closed! She has a little elephant in a purse and she takes it out and gives it to me to kiss then puts it back in the purse and says "night night" (at all times of day). At night she insists on hugging her stuffed turtle but absolutely refuses to sleep with anything in the crib. If she is lying down and you give her something she says "done! done!" and is very distressed until you take it from her. So no blankets, no animals, no anything! When she is upset about something she also says "hug, hug" until I give her a hug. Nathan picked up on that and now any time there is a SLIGHT distress over something, they will both cry "HUG! HUG!" and come to me.

She is also very affectionate with her kisses at night. She kisses me over and over on each cheek and thinks it is so funny that she can't catch me on the lips. (I just think it's gross to kiss kids on the lips!) I think she sees Bryan kiss me on the lips and thinks she should do that too. :)

C-Section Scheduled

I had my 34 week appointment yesterday and told the doctor I was sure the baby wasn't head down and I thought she was transverse. She normally doesn't check until 37 weeks but she said if the baby really wasn't head down right now that does mean there is a high likelihood she won't turn (but always possible). So she felt around to see and couldn't tell. She then took me in for a quick ultrasound and found that Alexa is completely breech. And just like that we left the room and scheduled a c-section at 39 weeks.

Alexa is scheduled to arrive on September 7 (9:30 surgery time).

If I go into labor before then they will check position and if she is still breech then I'll have an unscheduled c-section at that time. Otherwise they will check the morning of the c-section and if she has gone head down then I will be sent away waiting for labor. Otherwise I show up, confirm breech, and have a c-section.

I'm OK with the c-section. I like having a date and I doubt seriously that I will go into labor earlier than that. So far my pregnancy has been just like my mom's and she had to be induced after her due date (not that that's 100% accurate of course). I know it would be better if I didn't have to have a c-section (it's still major surgery) but there's nothing I can do about it and I never felt strongly about needing to experience a vaginal birth as I know some people do. Honestly I worry way more about Bryan because he is freaking out about how he will manage helping me with the kids so much for a couple of weeks after going back to work. (He's taking 2 weeks off but recovery is 4-6 weeeks.) This is one time in my life where I haven't even attempted to plan how exactly this will work because there are too many variables. Who knows how I'll feel, how quickly I'll heal, etc.? Who knows what it will be like to have a newborn plus toddler twins? We're just going to have to survive those first few weeks.

But I have another point of total stress now. After researching causes of breech babies I've learned that 6-7 percent (!!!!) of breech babies have a major birth defect reason for being breech, compared to 1-2 percent of head down babies. That's 3 to 6 times the risk?! I'm terrified something is wrong with her now. I have been searching the internet incessantly for more information on this since yesterday. Last night I dreamed that she was born and the doctor was telling me they "just needed to fix her spine a little, drain the water from her head and fix her muscle tone" (all issues I saw can come up with breech babies in higher proportion). :( It was horrible. I woke up and wanted to burst into tears.

I can't wait for this to be over. Have I mentioned that? :)

The Countdown Begins

I'm 34 weeks today! Theoretically that means I have just 6 weeks left (maybe less??). Wow. I can't even believe that. I still have to pack the hospital bag and find the bassinet part to our pack n play (so Alexa can sleep in our room for a couple of weeks) but other than that we are READY. And I mean I am READY...I am officially ready to be done being pregnant!

For a while I felt guilty for wanting to not be pregnant anymore because I didn't feel I had really "embraced" this unique time. But I feel now that I've fully experienced it. This is really random, but one thing I felt bad about the whole pregnancy was that I didn't commit to weekly or even monthly belly shots! I've taken a few pictures throughout the pregnancy so I did have some, but I really regretted that I could never go back and capture something that in all likelihood will never happen again. I'm ridiculously sentimental so it was something that really bothered me. Well, we decided last minute to do "professional" maternity pictures at JC Penney yesterday and I now feel 100% better. :) They came out so great, I am thrilled with them! I feel like I now have some cute pictures while "fully" pregnant so the absence of the earlier ones is OK. Now I have no more pregnancy regrets, and the discomforts of the third trimester have led me to feel 100% OK with this now being over!

I think Alexa went head down for just a couple of days because I felt hiccups very low. But as of yesterday I definitely felt the hiccups back high again...so it looks like we are back to transverse. The doctor said that around 34/35 weeks is when they start to worry if the baby isn't persistently head down, so this is not a good sign. Despite the fact that I initially really wanted a c-section, I don't feel that way now. It wouldn't be the end of the world but I really want to try the old fashioned way (well, in terms of exit method, not in terms of no medication! GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL ASAP!!). Last night I dreamed they were coming to take me for a c section and I was begging to wait for her to go head down. lol

My hormones have been in full swing. When we went for the maternity tour I totally freaked out. I HATE hospitals. I associate it with seeing my dear grandmother the last time. Some mixture of that emotion plus the realization that I was going to have to go through child birth there made me burst into tears within 5 minutes of the tour starting. Fortunately we were in the back of the group so I my outpouring didn't gather too much notice. Sigh.

Despite 8 months of preparation so far, I really can't even picture having a baby in the house. It doesn't sound real - I feel like that stage was already so long ago and we have made so much "progress" since then! And I really can't imagine that there is a baby inside me who is already so big that if she were born today she would likely be fine. I feel big, but not THAT big!

All in all, it will be such a relief for pregnancy to be over. I CAN NOT WAIT to get on with life, not having to obsess about birth, not having trouble breathing, not having trouble sleeping every night, not being so tired, not being able to eat/drink whatever I want, and getting to get my body back to where it was! I know it's only for a little more, but six weeks does sound like an eternity at this point. :)

Discipline and Punishment

Yesterday we went to the county fair in the morning. There is something about the fair and seeing all the animals that I just LOVE! I don't like the creepy rides but I love the agricultural aspects. We went first thing in the morning and got a great parking space so I didn't have to walk far, then got in line to go in because it hadn't opened yet.

While waiting, we gave Nathan and Kenna a bottle of water to share. Neither of them really likes water but I'm trying to get them used to it. Still, they really like holding on to something, and normally I don't give them anything while waiting. We had two bottles of water, actually, but whenever we have a chance to teach them to share something we do that. Here was an opportunity.

For whatever reason, they were grumpy and didn't want to share (it has been going SO well in other ways!). So, we took it away after a few minutes. Kenna proceeded to throw a tantrum in the stroller, crying and screaming. And yes, everyone started looking at us.

This seemed like such a pivotal moment, as it moved in slow motion...what...should...we...do? On the one hand, I HATE to be embarrassed. I NEVER want to be *that* parent with screaming children. On the other hand, if I give in to it and give them what they are fighting over (with each getting a bottle), they quickly will learn that they simply throw a fit and then get what they want. Or, there is the horrible middle ground that so many people give in to - just distract them somehow so they forget what they wanted and stop crying and that way you didn't actually give them what they were crying over. For me personally, that's a "technique" I refuse to use. I don't believe distracting our kids is any kind of discipline. It may be easier for us but it doesn't do anything to teach them.

For 10 minutes we were waiting in the line and Kenna did not settle down the whole time. It was one of the worst tantrums I had ever seen from her - usually she calms down soon after we have a "talk" with her, but this time she refused. Embarrassed or not, we held our ground and didn't give her anything or distract her. After a while I told her that if she continued she would get a spanking inside. I've gone back and forth more times than I can count on whether I ever want to use spanking, because it's really punishment and not discipline, and discipline is what I believe *should* be important. It's a very fine line. But in cases like this, punishment is really the only thing that I felt fit the situation because 1) she had multiple warnings 2) there is no way to do a time out at this age because we need a containment area (otherwise they won't just sit there yet) and 3) there is no logical consequence like taking a toy away (I can't explain to a 19 month old that she will lose a toy when she gets home, and leaving the fair altogether was probably what would have calmed her down at that point; there was no point to me in all of us having to leave because of her bad attitude, which really leaves punishment). Bryan is more opposed to spanking than I am, though I have been mostly opposed all this time as well. Even he looked at me and said she needs a spanking. It was a weird moment where we both knew what fit the situation despite prior discussions where we agreed we weren't going to be a "spanking family".

So the gate finally opened and in we went. We immediately pulled over next to the barn and Kenna was taken out of the stroller, told why this was happening, told her it was going to happen 3 times, was turned over, and firmly spanked. After the spanking I explained it again and asked her to say sorry for her behavior. She said "sorry", I told her I forgave her even though she had to be punished for what she did. I asked her if she was now done with her crying/tantrum and she said "done" and nodded. We put her in the stroller and she didn't make a peep again over the issue.

This is really a tough issue for me. I feel like the perfect parent should be able to achieve the desired results without using pure punishment tactics. But, I guess none of us our perfect parents no matter how much we want to be. I've evaluated this in my head several times since then and I can't come to any better solution for that situation. Plus she responded exactly how I would have hoped so it re-enforced that it was the right thing to do.

I know that a lot of people would conclude that it's not worth spanking for something like that and we should have just walked her around until she cooled down (a form of distraction). But that's what she would have wanted. I feel strongly that I never want to give them what they want when they are throwing a fit so that just doesn't fit with my philosophy. Fortunately, Bryan and I are on the same page on it. It's just a tough thing to get your head around when you want to be "better" than spanking. I'm holding out hope that finding a necessity in it is temporary for this age group because you can't use delayed consequences. If they were like 3 or something I can't imagine needing it anymore because I could tell them what was going to happen at home and they would understand. Then again, there may be a whole new category of things I haven't even thought of for 3 year olds where spanking still comes into play. I'll just have to remain open I guess.

Alexa Update

A little pregnancy update for those interested...

I'm almost 32 weeks pregnant - did I just say that? It sounds totally crazy to say out loud! I feel big but not huge. When I go through growth spurts I definitely feel it though, as I have trouble breathing and am more uncomfortable walking, etc. This last week I've been feeling better in general so I think I got used to the latest spurt, which had lasted about 3 weeks and made me feel miserable.

I still throw up...every...single...morning. Actually I think there have been maybe 5 mornings throughout the whole pregnancy that I didn't throw up. So I guess it's 99% of the time. :) I'm used to it but tired of it. I hate waking up and first thing feeling awful. I am totally looking forward to not having this sickness anymore - it's been 26 weeks straight! How insane?!

I can't complain though. To be honest, aside from morning sickness, I've had a pretty textbook pregnancy thus far. No complications whatsoever (knock on wood). I feel really fortunate that way. So, there isn't too much to report!

We are about 95% done with the nursery. I'll post a pic when it's complete. It's very pink with flowers and butterflies. :) I was excited to get very girly this time since before with the twins all had to be gender neutral. All we have left to do is hang letters on the wall with her name, move some stuff out of her closet to my office, and hang the valance.

We did a 4D ultrasound (picture above). We didn't get super pictures because her knee was in front of her face almost the whole time. No front pictures at all, but we did get a few cute profile shots. The one above is my favorite. It was really cool to actually see that she is a real baby though, given that we've only had 2 other ultrasounds and they were long ago! After so many IF treatments and struggles, I still find it very hard to believe that a full-on baby can be created the natural way. How on earth does a baby develop from an egg and sperm randomly floating about as opposed to a perfect lab-created embryo placed where it should go?! So weird. But there she was, a beautifully developed little girl who grew without lab help. We could see her moving quite a bit but I didn't feel much of it. Even now at 32 weeks I don't feel a lot of movement. I think the anterior placenta impacts that a lot.

Other than that, we are going on a hospital tour Monday, I have a breastfeeding class Tuesday, I need to finish the hospital bag and we are ready. Despite my general feelings of thinking breastfeeding is gross (just to be honest), I'm going to give it a shot. I know it would be great for the baby, and much cheaper (and no bottle washing!). I also like the idea of feeling like I experienced the full "natural cycle" of getting pregnant the old fashioned way and then breastfed. Even though I highly doubt it's something I'll enjoy, I figure that I shouldn't just assume that and at least try. I will definitely pump too though - there is no way I want to be the only person feeding her! Nope, Bryan needs his share of night time feedings too. :)

I have found some peace with the whole birthing process. I've spent a lot of weeks obsessing about it and being scared but the closer I get the more I'm accepting that whatever will come will come. Alexa is transverse and I have a pretty good feeling it will be a c section. But either way, I now believe that I will *probably* live through it. A few weeks ago I would have told you there was a 50% chance I was going to die during child birth. Now THAT is progress. :)

19 Months!

Dare I say that things have gotten some easier in the last month? I don't know what it is exactly but it seems that between 18 and 19 months there has been a noticeable difference in mental maturity. I think I mentioned in my last post that Nathan just didn't respond to discipline and didn't listen to instructions (though he understands them) regularly. Well, suddenly my little man now seems to care much more about consequences and regularly DOES listen to my instructions - in fact, he's better than Kenna about it sometimes! When I ask him to come, he actually comes now! When I ask him to wait, he puts his hand on the closest thing to wait (a little trick I taught him to help him "do" something while waiting). It's made life SO much easier. For both of them, they mostly just listen now when I say not to touch something and move on to something else. This makes a gigantic difference in life because I'm not constantly fighting the battle of guarding them every second. I know that 8 times out of 10 they will just listen now. Because of that, I have been able to let them run around the kitchen and living room while I prepare their meals. In the past they have had to wait in the pack n plays in the living room because they would just get into EVERYTHING while I was cooking and I couldn't deal with it. Now they know what they should and shouldn't touch and listen when I say no, so they have the freedom to run around like older kids and we all love it. :)

So, in summary I would say that this last month has been a wonderful transition from baby/toddler to toddler. I know some people say it gets harder as they get older, but for me right now, I have to say that the ability for them to understand and communicate and listen far trumps everything else. Talk to me again in a month and we'll see if that is still true!

KENNA

Well, I won't be doing any more word lists or counts because it would be impossible at this point - Kenna talks constantly and uses many new words daily. She says what sounds like whole sentences though you can only make out the key word. I so much wonder what the rest means! She's been doing a great job with French too. She answers instructions in French and questions in French just like English. Certainly they don't have the same breadth of language yet for French as they do for English, but I'm surprised at how much they do already know from 1 hour per day that we do.

Interestingly, in the last month Kenna has lost a lot of her interest in books! It's so odd, because she was OBSESSED with books before as I said in my last post. She still likes to have them down and look at them but she doesn't want to sit and read anymore like she did - she is fine with me reading "over" them and then she pops over to point various things out. I think she is just going through a phase where she is enjoying exploring her other toys finally. She now is interested in putting shapes through sorters, stacking things, and verbally labeling objects around her rather than just in her books.

I've been spending more time playing them music and singing to them/with them. Kenna now requests songs - "Row Row" or "inkle" (Twinkle Twinkle) or "Day" (This is the day), or "esus" (Jesus Loves Me). Nathan also requests songs but always requests Row Row. :)

Kenna has a mischievous little spirit. Her crib is next to the shutters in her room and each night we close the shutters at bed time. Every morning the babies have been waking up earlier than usual for a while because the shutters are "mysteriously" open by morning time and let the light in before we want them to get up. The other night we closed the door to their room after putting them down and it looked like always, that they were ready to drift off to sleep. But Bryan opened the door quietly a minute after we closed it and Kenna was standing up in her crib with her hand on the shutters and a big huge smile. LOL Bryan told her, "Kenna, let's go to sleep. Shutters stay closed." She closed them and went back to lie down. The next morning they were awake early as usual...with the shutters back open. :)

This month Kenna also stopped calling Nathan "Dee" (as in Buddy) and calls him "Natan". Nathan still doesn't refer to Kenna by a specific name but we are working on it!

A MAJOR event happened this month! Kenna is finally able to stay at the church nursery without being hysterical! For several months we would try to leave them at the nursery but we would get paged to come back 20 minutes or so into the service. It was driving me nuts. It seemed so pointless to go to church for that amount of time but I also didn't want to give in to it. She just has had really bad separation anxiety and completely goes hysterical when we leave her with people she doesn't know (not an issue with the nanny or grandparents). We found out that there are other rooms for the same age group at the nursery so we tried a different room...and SUCCESS! The woman running that room just knew how to deal with the anxiety and miracle of all miracles happened...we returned the first time leaving them in that room with NO PAGER GOING OFF!! Both Nathan and Kenna were just playing away in the room and no tears. We have now had success three times in a row. I'm THRILLED!

Kenna loves to laugh and sometimes just bursts into what is like a "fake" laughter, I think because it makes everyone else laugh! Despite her stranger anxiety, she is definitely a show off when she is comfortable. She even shows off just for us. The other day when we were driving I suddenly heard her laughing. I turned around and she was balancing a book on her head without her hands and was fully amused by showing us!

We are doing baby swim lessons with them on Saturdays. They are just 20 minute lessons and they build on the unique instincts that kids this age still have. We're a little late to the game - it's recommended kids start lessons at 6 months - but better late than never! The first lesson went terribly, as they were both hysterical. The second lesson was awesome! The instructor was able to take them himself and despite Kenna's normal anxiety, after a few times with him for a few minutes, she was totally fine. My philosophy with them is that anxiety can never be overcome by constantly giving in to natural fears. Kids will never choose to face their fears on their own, so I believe it's a parent's responsibility to help them to do so - not to avoid the fears. So many kids are scared of dogs, for example - but every time I see a kid like that, I also see a parent telling them to get behind them or to walk further away, or whatever to get away. Kenna starting showing some fear of dogs a few months back but every time we see a dog now I make it a point that we go up to see the dog as closely as is safe and talk about the dog. She very rarely shows fear of dogs now and loves pointing them out. I know not everything will be that "successful", but I will always do my best to help them face every fear and not show them how to get away from it (UNLESS of course it is a true danger). I have tons of fears myself and I hope my kids will never be like that. I have absolutely no qualms about "pushing" them beyond their comfort zone - I firmly believe that is what is best for them.


NATHAN

Nathan has shown a much stronger interest in words over the last month! He is still not the motormouth that his sister is, but I've noticed that he pays more attention to words and repeats a lot more what he hears. For some reason, please is "pee-oo" sometimes and "pees" other times. I love his little "pee-oo" even if no one else knows what it means! He says it more than any other word because he knows that's how you get something. His vocabularly is growing and he picks up more words each day too. He actually gets a lot from Kenna I think. He rarely picks up a word that she doesn't already say. The words she says regularly however stick with him. It's good to have a twin sister who loves to talk!

Recently Nathan started asking for me a lot - he comes over and says, "mommy! mommy!" and oooohhhh how that melts my heart. Since I'm with them most of the time, it's usually "daddy" or "papa" who get called for. He woke up from a nap the other day and Bryan went to get them, and Nathan asked for "mommy"! I was very excited to be requested. :)

Nathan's favorite past time is putting things away right now! He loves taking things out of boxes and then collecting them all and putting them away. I have no trouble at all when I say "clean up time!" - both of them come running to put everything away. In the mornings in their room when I say it's time to go downstairs they know that also means they need to put away whatever they had out and they are so good about just going and organizing everything. Nathan nicely puts everything away but always puts his favorite stuffed animal, Tortue, in his crib to keep in safely there. It's just so cute!

I'm seeing quite a little temper in Nathan lately. He gets quite frustrated when he wants to do something and can't figure it out. He immediately lets out a little scream and bounces up and down. I encourage him to sit down and figure it out with a little help from mommy but if he can't calm down enough to do so, I tell him he needs to cool down. That means he needs to walk away for a minute and then he can come back to it. I'm trying to teach him how to manage his emotions a little bit. Tough to do at this age, but as with everything it's best to start early!

He also loves climbing on things. He will get onto a chair, off of a chair, onto a chair, off of a chair, for the longest time. I have a perception that he isn't too coordinated because he tends to fall down a lot. But I was so surprised at what he was able to do at Gymboree this morning! We hadn't been before because I can't take two kids by myself. They usually go with their grandparents each week but grammy and papa are on vacation this week. So, Bryan took time off work this morning and we took them together. It was SO fun to watch our little people interact with other little people! And Nathan in particular really loved the balance beam! I couldn't believe how well he was doing with it at his age! I think we may have a little gymnast now!

Nothing makes Nathan laugh more than being chased or thrown around by daddy. It's a deep belly laughter that is precious. He can hardly catch his breath sometimes, he gets so excited. :)

I'll post some pics and a pregnancy/Alexa update later. Just 8 weeks to go!

They have grown a lot since I last posted pics! I never can get these to upload in a particular order, but here are a bunch. (LONG written update in post below.)

Kenna at the playground - look at all those teeth!



Nathan and Kenna at Easter



Nathan and his Easter basket



We went to Penneys to get "formal" Easter pics.



Nathan would NOT smile but it's still a cute picture.



Alexa on the way!



Bath time fun



Kenna IS daddy's girl



Nathan covered in sand at a Hawaiian beach



Nathan and Kenna in Hawaii. "We'll sit together but we WON'T smile."

18 Months!

Nathan and Kenna are 18 months old today! I remember thinking that they went through a big development spurt at 14 months, and now at 18 months I see that very obvious change again (especially by the 17 month point). It's exciting to see how much they are changing into little kids! There is no question that they are toddlers now and not babies anymore.

*WARNING* Since I haven't updated in a long time, this is going to be a long one. :)

HAWAII!

We got back recently from a two week vacation to Hawaii (big island). We have taken them on several weekend trips but nothing this major, and we had never before flown with them. We had a great time, but it took me about a week to accept that "vacation" with kids this age is not really "vacation" as we are used to. :) It was fairly tiring and very limiting (in what you can do). Bryan and I are very adventurous and there are amazing outdoor adventure things to do in Hawaii - but we had to just take mental notes for the future if we go back when the kids are older. For example, we drove to a bay with a bunch of dolphins and there were kayakers all around them. It was incredible - but we were so sad to not be able to grab a kayak and get over there with them! Alas, it's temporary and we're both really excited to go again when the kids are older and can kayak WITH us. :)

Being pregnant on vacation had its own limitations. Bryan went diving with 8 foot manta rays (only two places in the world you can do this), and I stayed with the kids. In return, he was going to stay with the kids so I could snorkel with the manta rays (they aren't deep so you can see them from the surface). No dice - there is not a single boat that will take a pregnant woman. I was really annoyed! I snorkeled at all kinds of beaches there - what did they think would happen if I were on a boat?? Luckily, the snorkeling at the beaches was great - at one place, I snorkled with giant green sea turtles on each side of me, an eel below, and amazing fish all around. It was so exciting to snorkel with the huge turtles and I can't wait for Nathan and Kenna to experience that eventually!

We drove to beautiful waterfalls on the Hilo side (we were staying in Kona), went to amazing white sand beaches, took turns snorkeling, toured a coffee plantation, went to a black sand beach with big sea turtles everywhere, visited several historical sites, explored Kona and Waikoloa several times, and ate amazing island food!

It was most definitely worth it for them and for us. Even though I know they won't remember the trip itself, it's amazing how much something like this makes kids even this young grow - they learned so much being out of their normal environment! The 5+ hour plane ride was a bit taxing, but reasonable. The worst part for me was having to relate to them in a way I NEVER would otherwise - we gave them everything they wanted on the plane so they wouldn't scream and impact other people. Drop a book? No problem, we'll give you the book back. Want a snack right now (and constantly)? No problem. Want to have anything you want immediately so you don't scream bloody murder on an airplane with tons of people? You got it. I can't even tell you how it made me go crazy having to do that - my parenting philosophy is the complete opposite of that. And it's amazing how fast little people learn bad habits - after one plane ride, they were very demanding for several more days. They would cry in the car every time we went somewhere, thinking they were entitled to books and other play objects during the ride. I have never given them anything in the stroller or car seat, even when they were tiny, so they would learn to not expect anything and sit as patiently as possible given their age. They actually do a great job of that, and I credit it to never giving them things while waiting. But wow how that gets reversed fast! Fortunately, things are back to normal now that we are home. :)


KENNA UPDATES

My baby Kenna is growing up fast!! I'm going to have to brag for a minute here - she is SO smart and amazes me all the time with how much she knows already and how fast she learns (proud mommy!). A lot of that is because she LOVES books. No, no, you don't understand - she would ONLY read books ALL day if it were up to her. With everything in the playroom, she constantly points up at the books saying, "BOOK! BOOK!" She isn't as interested in the story books as she is in picture/word books. She loves to memorize the words and be "quizzed". It's so fascinating to me to see how she goes about learning because it is just like I do. She has to "perfect" each page and isn't happy if there is a word remaining she hasn't heard about. She will take my index finger and move it around to the different pictures for me to tell her what each one is. When she is learning totally new words, she takes my finger back and forth, back and forth, between a couple of words at a time in a very deliberate way to make sure she has them both memorized. Then she will have me point to other pictures and eventually comes back to hear the original ones. It's so interesting to see a tiny toddler fascinated by language and memorizing words in such a systematic way. She is just like me in that area - I have always loved languages and have an unusually good memory for words. You could ask me what transpired in a movie I saw yesterday and I would probably struggle to have much recollection of it, but if you ask me a word in another language I've only seen once and where it was on a page, chances are I can tell you right away. I think it's because I have NO creative mind at all, but an extremely analytical one that immediately sees patterns and systems. It's so obvious to see that Kenna is just like that in the way she systematically seeks to learn things. I hope to introduce her to some more creative areas as she grows to help foster a development of the other side of her brain too! I always wonder if there IS one creative bone in my body that just was never developed as a child. :) I love sitting with Kenna and "studying" with her because I feel like I understand her so well - what she is doing, why she is doing it, and how she wants to interact.

For a while now, the focus has been on understanding the words - so I would ask her "where is..." and she would point to the appropriate picture. But in the last month or two she has transitioned to saying the word when I point to it. She doesn't have perfect pronounciation or anything, but she can say an amazing number of words. She says so many words that I had to sit down and count them out of curiosity so I can put them in her baby book. I was able to count more than 110 words off the top of my head that she regularly says! I would guess that there are at least 20 more that I'm not thinking of. Here are the ones I thought of:

Trash, clean, dirty, bowl, fork, spoon, high chair, bib, towel, apple, Banana, (Avo)cado, oatmeal, (to)mato, pea, egg, broccoli, cheese, melon, berry, mango, bread, corn, rice, milk, water, bean, nose, nez (nose in French), eye, mouth, bouche (mouth in French), foot, pied (foot in French), main (hand in French), tete (head in French), knee, toe, Elmo, (Mickey) Mouse, Pooh, Eeyore, Tigger, hammer, ball, car, choo-choo (train), book, whale, (es)cargot (snail in French), monkey, bear, duck, moose, deer, fish, (gi)raffe, octopus, chev(al) (horse in French), chat (cat in French), bird, sea horse, owl, poule (chicken in French), peacock, crab, gecko, turtle, gorilla, flute, guitar, mirror, rock, tree, flower, brush, bath, airplane, “Dee” (she calls Nathan “Dee” because we call him “buddy”), light, diaper, bag, clothes, shirt, short(s), jean(s), pant(s), shoe, sock, yo-yo, tickle, silly, booboo (as in injury), pee pee, poo poo (she tells me now when she has “poo poo”), chair, walk, play, up, down, bed, help, please, go, touch, no, mama, dada, night night, amen, crayon, pillow, monte (climb in French)

When they were around 12 months I tried hard to speak to them in French some each day. But that was before they were really picking up any words and I think I got frustrated - it was impossible to tell if anything I was doing was making a difference. So I kind of put it on hold subconsciously for a bit. I realized recently that was such a mistake because the time between 12-18 months is when they start the major soaking up of words process! Recently I decided to really force myself to spend at least one hour per day with them in French. (I say "force" because it's a challenge for me - I'm conversational but not fluent so I have to really put my mind to it!) What a difference it is making so quickly! They are already responding to instructions in French and when presented with various objects can pick out the right one when asked in French. I'm just amazed how fast it happens. So, I'm super incentivized right now to stay dedicated to helping them become bilingual.

In other tidbits:

--Kenna is well aware of the difference between poo poo and pee pee now. She tells me soon after a poo poo that she has one. I'm optimistic that this means she will be an early potty trainer. :) She also yells "pee pee" when she sees me leave for the bathroom.

--She now asks if she can touch things by saying, "touch?" Almost every time I change Nathan's diaper she walks over in curiosity and points to the diaper region saying, "touch?" LOL "No Kenna, no touch!"

--Kenna loves to help me with things. She is a diaper changing assistant and immediately brings me a diaper, a green bag for the dirty diaper, and wipes when she sees Nathan is getting changed. She is great at cleaning up and always takes her dirty clothes to the laundry basket, or puts things away in boxes. She and Nathan both push their high chairs in after eating and are very proud of doing it. :)

--She loves to brush her hair. First thing every morning that she says to me is "brush! brush! pease! brush!" while pointing at the brush on the dresser! I'm like, I haven't seen you in 12 hours and that's my greeting?

--Kenna is a HUGE daddy's girl right now. If she sees daddy and then he leaves the room, there are tears. If mommy and daddy both are in the room, daddy is always the requested one (she'll actually shake her head at me and say no, so daddy will pick her up instead!).

--She took her diaper off last month when I had her in a dress that didn't have a diaper cover under it. We came in after nap time and she was standing in her crib with no diaper - and there was a diaper with poo on the floor next to her crib. That hasn't happened since. :)

--She has stopped biting Nathan. This was an issue for a while. But since I implemented regular time out discipline with them a while ago, it seems to have stopped. She gets time outs usually for defiantly standing on chairs after being told no, throwing a toy in anger, dropping toys over the baby gate, or climbing on something she isn't allowed to climb on. They get one minute of time out for regular offenses and two minutes for anything that was due to disrespect. For example, if I am talking to them about what they just did wrong, I always say, "look at me". If they refuse to look at me, that is disrespectful and they get the two minutes. When time out is over, I explain to them what they did wrong and require them to look at me again (and nod that they understand the offense). If they refuse to look at me then, another two minutes. We run a tight ship, but I can see it is worth the effort already. :)


NATHAN UPDATES

My baby Nathan is a BIG boy! He is a rough and tumble little guy if I've ever seen one. :) He sees how much Kenna loves books and tries to get into it - he'll bring me a book and sit down in my lap but after his standard two pages, he is DONE. Literally. He closes the book and says bye bye! lol It's so cute to see how he tries to get into it but just has no patience for it or interest in it. Instead, he wants to move, move, move. Nathan is constantly on the go. I sometimes struggle with figuring out how to best engage him. With Kenna, she is so much like me, that it comes naturally. But with Nathan, sometimes I'm just not sure "how" to play with him. He doesn't really "play" with anything but rather carries objects around the room and takes things in and out of boxes. I try to get him interested in specific toys but he really doesn't like to sit and play much. He just has a TON of energy. Since he won't pick up French from books like Kenna, I have been trying to make up games in French that will interest him. The other day I started playing "come" and "run" with him using those two words in French. I would say "come!" in French and he would run and jump into my arms. Then I would say "run!" in French and he would run and fly into the bean bag. He LOVED this and did it for probably 20 minutes straight.

Since Nathan doesn't "study" books like Kenna, he has a more "normal" vocabulary for his age. It's so hard to not compare them - I was really worried about his word development until I found out the normal word range for this age is 10-20 words, so HE is normal and Kenna is not. lol He understands way more than he says, like most kids, but here are his words at this point:

mama, dada, (ba)nana, apple, bowl, bear, chat, no, nose, tortue (his stuffed animal - turtle in French), bath, shirt, ball, duck, knee, bib, tree, flower, sock, shoe, please, go, up, down, night night, amen, bye bye, hi, main (hand in French), car

The difficult thing for me in having such an active little boy is that it is REALLY hard for me to take the two of them to the park where they can really get that energy out. It's very hard to chase them around and at this age there is a lot of chasing required to make sure they don't go flying down the slide the wrong way, etc. Especially being pregnant (26 weeks now!), I just can't do it on my own. Fortunately, our nanny does it when she is here (one day a week), Bryan's parents do it when they are here (one day a week) and Bryan and I do it together on weekends. Now that it's warm I can take them to our backyard too, which is easier for me to do. I bought Nathan a little soccer set and tee ball set but so far he just wants to carry the bat around the yard. We'll get there. :)

Other tidbits:

--Nathan's favorite activity right now is climbing up on furniture, sitting, then climbing down. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

--He still has a huge attachment to his stuffed turtle Tortue. If he has dropped Tortue out of the crib in the morning before I come in, there is no greeting, no "hi mommy" no nothing...it's just an anguished "TORTUE. TORTUE. TORTUE. TORTUE." Oh how he loves Tortue. It's so cute.

--Nathan gets the most time outs for running off from me after I say "come here" (repeatedly). He runs away and laughs. I know he wants to make a game of it and play chase, but it can be dangerous for him to not obey me in this area. I don't want him running into the street someday laughing! So I never chase him if I'm telling him "come here". I say everything once nicely with please. If they don't listen, I clap with a more stern voice "come here now". After that it's time out. Nathan gets an immediate two minutes for this "violation" since it's disrespectful and dangerous.

--Nathan still loves eating above all! Whenever he sees the clean up wipes come out, symbolizing the end of a meal, he immediately screams! No matter how much he has eaten, he still doesn't want to see the meal come to an end. He eats just about everything but doesn't appreciate beans of any kind. He puts them in his mouth and then refuses to swallow!

--Aside from Tortue, Nathan loves to give hugs to his other big stuffed animals - monkey and bear especially. He carries them around the playroom and periodically lies down on them to love them. It's very, very sweet. It's funny though because Kenna doesn't really like stuffed animals but is VERY affectionate with people - she LOVES Nathan and always tries to give him "pat pats" and hugs. He promptly runs away. lol Nathan mostly gives mommy and daddy hugs when he is tired and gets snuggly. Those are my favorite moments because my little energizer bunny finally settles down for cuddles.


BABY 3 UPDATES

Baby 3 officially has a name...Alexa. It's a name I've always LOVED and it's a little more unique than the other two names at the top of our list (Ava and Ella). Bryan decided he really liked it too, and voila, baby 3 became Alexa while we were in Hawaii.

Since I have an anterior placenta, it took me a long time to feel Alexa move. But the night before we left for Hawaii, on April 30, I felt several strong kicks and I knew that's what it was. Since then I have felt her pretty regularly, though still not as often as most people do. Bryan got to feel her in Hawaii, which was neat!

We are now working on the nursery - basically we've just ordered the things we need and the room has been emptied out (it was my office, but now Bryan and I are sharing an office). So it doesn't seem like much progress but we're trying. :) I keep having dreams about not being prepared for tests in school, etc., which makes it pretty obvious I'm not feeling ready for Alexa's arrival. Gotta get that nursery done!

As for me, I still throw up almost every day. I'm in for the long haul it looks like. I'm 26 weeks now and definitely feeling big. I have trouble imagining I'll get much bigger?! Oh my. I've gained about 12 pounds, which is a little less than average. I struggle with not being able to breathe as deeply (uterus pushing on lungs) and it makes me feel panicky. I have to suppress those panic feelings all the time so I don't just go crazy! I'm really trying hard to embrace the rest of pregnancy because I haven't done a great job of that to date. Most of the time I have looked forward to being on the other side of this but I realize now it will all pass me by and I'll regret not embracing it more. So, my goal for the third trimester is to really appreciate pregnancy for what it is, knowing it won't be for much longer and soon I'll be able to breathe normally again. :)