Well, here I am...39 weeks pregnant...no signs of labor at ALL...and I have a horrible cold. I want to go bury myself in a little hole and wake up next month.
When I first found out I was pregnant I was very sick with a cold also. I had a horrible anxiety attack because I couldn't take my standard cold medicines and couldn't breathe. I was pacing the hall all night. I immediately started feeling anxious about being "trapped" being pregnant, that a baby was going to have to come out in 9 months, etc. I'm extremely claustraphobic and not just in a physical environment way...situationally as well, as in this case. I always knew that I would probably be very scared and feel trapped if I were pregnant, though it was always more important to me to have kids so we continued to try everything. Periodically throughout the pregnancy those feelings of strong anxiety about not being able to just "get out" of the situation at any time have emerged and I have quickly worked to subdue the thoughts knowing I had a long road to go. Purely survival.
I now feel like I have no more energy to suppress this underlying anxiety. I have so much fear about giving birth, no matter the method, that it is overtaking me. With my physical strength now being down due to the cold I feel like I am just plain out of steam to mentally deal with all that is happening. It's the worst thing that could have happened to me right now. In fact, one of my prevailing thoughts when I was sick when I found out I was pregnant was, "what if I am sick when I give birth and can't breathe?" (Being claustraphobic, anything that produces the actual or perceived sensation of not being able to breathe is the end of the world.) They always say that anxiety leads you to produce the worst case thoughts and they rarely happen. Well, it has happened. I feel like someone has taken a two by four to my spirit right now and I can't get off the ground!
Thank God that I moved the c section from tomorrow so I have time to at least get some better. If it were still tomorrow I would just be hysterical. I can only hope that I make it to next Tuesday's c section with the cold being better. I tend to have long colds so I don't know, but it should at the very least be BETTER than now. ALL I can think about is that my nose will be stuffed up while lying flat on a surgery table and I will suffocate.
I continue to struggle between the planned c section on the 14th and an induction a few days later. I feel very certain I'm not going into labor on my own. The hardest thing for me is knowing that the vast majority of people would choose the induction, but in my heart of hearts I know that I would handle a c section much better and that the mental and physical stress of a long hard induction with an "unripe" cervix and 60% chance of eventual failure is something I'm just not prepared to deal with at this point. I wish I could just accept that I have some different considerations than most people and ignore the fact that many people seem to feel a c section is the end of the world. But when so many people feel differently than you do it makes you question your own judgement. I know people who thought a c section was just awful and others who thought it was just short of a breeze. Who knows where I would fall on that spectrum? There is no way to know.
It's weird. I've all but forgotten there is even a baby involved at this point. The next week or two seem like a giant mountain to climb, after which I would rather just crawl into a cave on the other side and recover from the emotional and physical toll this has all taken.
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I think every woman is worried before an impending delivery, I know I sure was but once I was into it my fear sort of vanished (mostly) and was replaced with a determination to 'get the this job done'. Much to my surprise I had what it took. I'm sure you will as well. Besides you are a praying woman and God listens to your heart. Check out the lyrics to this old hymn, then hand God your anxiety.
ReplyDeleteHe Giveth more Grace
He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.
When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.
His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.
Hi Natasha, it's Donna, Kirsten's friend. I have been following your blog (sorry I haven't posted before). Tonight I just wanted to give you a big hug! I too and clostrophobic and can relate to all of your words, however I didn't experience what you describe during my pregnancies....can relate to it all and my heart is beating fast just reading...just didn't happen during pregnancy or delivery. I think you are being too hard on yourself. I hope and pray the next few days go by fast for you. Of course I hope you feel better, but in case you don't when you are in labor or delivering...there HAS to be something the anesthesiologist can give you to comfort you physically and emotionally!!!! I DO promise that your sweet girl will be in your arms and she will heal your anxieties...she will be out and you won't be trapped! I will hope and pray for a smooth delivery no matter which was your baby comes into your arms!! Love, Donna
ReplyDeleteI know this sounds trivial but hang in there!!! it can only get better!!
ReplyDeleteUgh. Your home stretch does not sound fun lady. Sorry that you have a cold. Thats probably the WORST timing ever. I've been following along with your journey and you've seriously done great! These last few years have been so up and down for you = you are almost DONE! U are barely going to remember this part and it's going to happen quickly as your little girl is going to just take over everything!!! I'm pulling for the c-section. I've had lots of major surgeries and that would be what I personally would be most comfortable with. Don't compare yourself to others as most peole are crazy....:P Hang in and I'll be thinking of you!!!
ReplyDeleteSarah (from when 2 becomes 3)
Jackie - Thanks so much for the words of encouragement and the hymn. I really appreciate it. The hymn is beautiful! I have been trying to "hand over" the anxiety but my hands feel clinched so tightly. :)
ReplyDeleteDonna - I know this sounds crazy but it's such a relief to hear that someone else can understand the claustraphobia. Not that I want someone else to suffer of course, but it's always a comfort when someone else understands your plight. Thanks so much for sharing and for commenting!
Mark - Thanks! And I love the most recent pics you posted of Tay. :)
Sarah - First off, hi! It's great to "see" you again. Do you know how nice it is to see that someone is "pulling for the c section"? lol Seriously, it makes me feel like I have one foot out of the loony bin. :) (Of course replaced by your foot lol) Thank you!
I'm claustrophobic as well, so feel your anxiety. I am scheduled for my 3rd C-Section in October. I was worried about the claustrophobia during my previous surgeries, but to be honest, it wasn't that bad. I mentioned it to the anesthesiologist and they gave me something to relax me. The other thing that helped during the surgery is taking deep breaths, having my DH rub my head and talk softly to me, keeping the conversation light and trying to keep my mind off things. I was also induced for my first (yes, this is my fourth and last). I was only 36 weeks along and had to deliver early due to Preeclampsia, so my cervix definitely wasn't ready. Although the induction was a long process, it was successful and a positive experience. Having had both an induction and C-sections, do I have a preference? Not really. The end result is the same :)
ReplyDeleteAll the best!