Monday, September 13, 2010

My last full day pregnant

...is today. It's hard to believe that after all this, the baby will be here tomorrow. I'm desperately trying to be calm and brave today. But it is 7 am and the anxiousness is already starting to set in. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Bryan and I were talking over dinner last night about how this is one of the few pretty major surgeries in the world where you are actually awake for it. That is creepy.

I've read so much that I think I pretty much know what to expect at this point. It's not that type of unknown that scares me...it's the unknown of MY reaction to it all. As I tossed and turned last night I was thinking about that; the fact that most of my fear at this point is fear of my own thoughts and behaviors tomorrow! Basicaly, WILL I PANIC DURING THE C SECTION?! (Leading to them having to knock me out and I'll miss the birth?) That should make it seem very easy to say, "well then, I'm in control! I can CHOOSE to not be anxious!" And believe me, I am trying to "make that choice" today. The fact that I'm not running around like a total crazy person is a testament to the fact that I have somehow successfully supressed natural anxiety. :)

Tomorrow the kids leave for Bryan's parents' house around 9:30 am and we don't leave for the hospital until 2. Those 4.5 hours will be the longest of my life. But at least the peak of this mountain is tomorrow and even with a difficult recovery from a c section, everything is leading downhill from there.

Sometime this week I hope to be able to post an announcement before I get home from the hospital. I look forward to being at that point. :)

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