My breastfeeding manifesto.

I will be blunt: I really, really, really dislike it.

I have spent at least 90% of my waking time since Alexa was born thinking about one of these things:

1. Dreading the next feed.
2. Wondering if breastmilk can really be so different than formula.
3. Going back and forth on whether I can commit to this for even one more day.
4. Deciding that anyone who enjoys this must be crazy. :) (I have lots of friends who enjoy it and are not crazy...I'm just saying that I'm having trouble seeing how that is possible. lol)
5. Thinking of a million different scenarios to make this work between pumping and breastfeeding rather than just breastfeeding.
6. Being oh so bitter that the world has sufficiently produced this "breast is best" thing to the point I'm terrified to stop because the guilt will be overwhelming.

As I've googled all kinds of things about breastfeeding I have come across message board posts that amaze me. People go to ENORMOUS lengths to breastfeed. I have no issues that make me hate it - my supply seems to be fine and Alexa latches and feeds fine - and I still don't like it...so when I read about the things people do to make it work when it otherwise doesn't, I am just amazed. I have been searching for research studies that support the mania around breastfeeding and truth be told, I can't find the wealth of evidence that would match the enormous lengths people are going to to avoid formula. Yes, I believe that breastmilk is beneficial and sure it's probably better than formula. But is this something that really warrants people being miserable while trying to breastfeed for months on end? I just can't imagine.

Friends keep telling me to wait until 6 weeks to quit because it gets easier. I just hit 3 weeks and to think of doing this for another 3 weeks makes me want to roll around on the floor and pull my hair out. :) And then I think about what could change that much in 3 weeks from now that would make me feel differently. I know that babies eat more quickly and less frequently and those are two major issues for me right now. How on earth can I continue feeding a baby every 2 hours during the day for 30-40 minutes at a time when I have two older kids to take care of? It's not fair to them. I keep trying to imagine how I would feel if a feed took 10 minutes max and was only happening 4 times a day and twice at night (this is what the twins did on formula about 6 weeks). PERHAPS that would be manageable?! I just don't know. And I really don't know if I can make it to 6 weeks to find out.


Here is why I don't like breastfeeding:

--Alexa is completely dependent on me for food. I have to pump or breastfeed around the clock. I just can't stand not having the freedom to be away if needed. I feel so tied down by breastfeeding because anytime I would want to go somewhere with the twins I have to think about when her next feed is and how I can breastfeed. With formula, you pack a bottle. I know people say breastfeeding is easier because there are no bottles to clean and pack, but OMG I would clean a million bottles a day to avoid having to sit still all day long while I have a baby sucking on my breast for an ambiguous amount of time and for an ambiguous amount of milk.
--It takes way too long per session. 30-40 minutes. I know some babies speed up but not all. I know people who are still doing this at 6 months for that long! Seriously, can't even fathom that.
--It is way too often. She wants to feed every two hours and sometimes more. At night it's exciting when she goes 3 hours. :( :( :(
--The sensation of breastfeeding is something I find to be...I don't know the word...just not enjoyable. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it's definitely not relaxing or anything. I stare at the clock the whole time. It's NOT a bonding experience. I'm so excited when I pump and give her the bottle because it's so relaxing, she looks up into my eyes rather than straight at my breast, and I can just enjoy her and snuggle. When I breastfeed I feel like an animal. :( It seems gross to me.
--I have no idea how much she is getting to eat so there is no way to regulate it right now. With formula, I could pour exact amounts and regulate her eating and sleeping.
--The feeling of full breasts. I thought that was temporary but now I'm learning that you always have the sensation of milk filling up when it's time to feed again. I just find that to be bothersome. I can't even sleep on my side at night. Not to mention the fact that you leak so much you have to wear breast pads. It's uncomfortable and annoying.

I considered exclusively pumping but after a lot of research and trying to pump and feed even a couple of times in a row I realize that it's not a "time saver". It would be just as hard if not more so because you basically have to replace each breastfeeding session with a pumping session. That doesn't help when Nathan and Kenna are anxiously awaiting time with me.

So here I am. If I stop breastfeeding, tons of guilt for pulling away something that is really good for Alexa. If I keep breastfeeding, continued frustration and the impossibility of taking care of 3 kids under 2 at the same time (I have a lot of help right now because of my c section lifting restrictions but at 6 weeks I'll be back to my regular schedule with all of them again). If I exclusively pump, the only thing I gain is not having to breastfeed directly, and it would take even more time. Combined breastfeeding and pumping doesn't help much because I still have the issues of not enough time during the day to do it! Where does this leave me?

After three weeks of processing this I think I have decided on another option - pumping and formula combined. I think at this point, given all the issues above (and MOST importantly I should say I'm concerned about how much breastfeeding time takes away from Nathan and Kenna during the day), I have decided I'm OK with aiming for Alexa to have half breastmilk and half formula. That way she still gets the benefits, I won't feel guilty for pulling the plug, and I can feed bottles during the daytime hours, which is the big concern. Taking an average of 30 ounces a day that she'll be eating in the next 5 months or so, that means I want to pump 15 ounces. Right now I can pump 3 or 4 ounces every 2 or 3 hours. I'm hoping that if I pump 4 times per day I won't lose so much supply that I can't meet the 15 ounces. I can easily pump at 6:30 am (before the kids get up), 12:30 pm (when the kids go to nap), 6:30 pm (when the kids are down for the night) and 9 pm (when I go to bed). This seems to solve all the problems, as long as supply doesn't tank too much.

The question that remains is when to start this. I know if I cut back too soon it could be risky with the supply being too fragile. I know if I don't cut back soon enough I will lose more precious time with Alexa being distracted by not wanting to breastfeed. I know that I have exactly 3 more weeks of the extra help with Nathan and Kenna that allows me to continue breastfeeding so often and long and I need to get this squared away by the time that ends. Right now I just want to make it to one month (one more week) because that was my minimum goal to begin with. After that I think it will be day by day. I would love to get to 6 weeks to have the opportunity to see if it does get better, and maybe going day by day I'll get there. But no matter how much better it gets, breastfeeding just will never be something I enjoy doing. Hopefully with the plan of half formula/half breastmilk I can feel like I'm doing the best possible given our situation.