I will be blunt: I really, really, really dislike it.
I have spent at least 90% of my waking time since Alexa was born thinking about one of these things:
1. Dreading the next feed.
2. Wondering if breastmilk can really be so different than formula.
3. Going back and forth on whether I can commit to this for even one more day.
4. Deciding that anyone who enjoys this must be crazy. :) (I have lots of friends who enjoy it and are not crazy...I'm just saying that I'm having trouble seeing how that is possible. lol)
5. Thinking of a million different scenarios to make this work between pumping and breastfeeding rather than just breastfeeding.
6. Being oh so bitter that the world has sufficiently produced this "breast is best" thing to the point I'm terrified to stop because the guilt will be overwhelming.
As I've googled all kinds of things about breastfeeding I have come across message board posts that amaze me. People go to ENORMOUS lengths to breastfeed. I have no issues that make me hate it - my supply seems to be fine and Alexa latches and feeds fine - and I still don't like it...so when I read about the things people do to make it work when it otherwise doesn't, I am just amazed. I have been searching for research studies that support the mania around breastfeeding and truth be told, I can't find the wealth of evidence that would match the enormous lengths people are going to to avoid formula. Yes, I believe that breastmilk is beneficial and sure it's probably better than formula. But is this something that really warrants people being miserable while trying to breastfeed for months on end? I just can't imagine.
Friends keep telling me to wait until 6 weeks to quit because it gets easier. I just hit 3 weeks and to think of doing this for another 3 weeks makes me want to roll around on the floor and pull my hair out. :) And then I think about what could change that much in 3 weeks from now that would make me feel differently. I know that babies eat more quickly and less frequently and those are two major issues for me right now. How on earth can I continue feeding a baby every 2 hours during the day for 30-40 minutes at a time when I have two older kids to take care of? It's not fair to them. I keep trying to imagine how I would feel if a feed took 10 minutes max and was only happening 4 times a day and twice at night (this is what the twins did on formula about 6 weeks). PERHAPS that would be manageable?! I just don't know. And I really don't know if I can make it to 6 weeks to find out.
Here is why I don't like breastfeeding:
--Alexa is completely dependent on me for food. I have to pump or breastfeed around the clock. I just can't stand not having the freedom to be away if needed. I feel so tied down by breastfeeding because anytime I would want to go somewhere with the twins I have to think about when her next feed is and how I can breastfeed. With formula, you pack a bottle. I know people say breastfeeding is easier because there are no bottles to clean and pack, but OMG I would clean a million bottles a day to avoid having to sit still all day long while I have a baby sucking on my breast for an ambiguous amount of time and for an ambiguous amount of milk.
--It takes way too long per session. 30-40 minutes. I know some babies speed up but not all. I know people who are still doing this at 6 months for that long! Seriously, can't even fathom that.
--It is way too often. She wants to feed every two hours and sometimes more. At night it's exciting when she goes 3 hours. :( :( :(
--The sensation of breastfeeding is something I find to be...I don't know the word...just not enjoyable. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it's definitely not relaxing or anything. I stare at the clock the whole time. It's NOT a bonding experience. I'm so excited when I pump and give her the bottle because it's so relaxing, she looks up into my eyes rather than straight at my breast, and I can just enjoy her and snuggle. When I breastfeed I feel like an animal. :( It seems gross to me.
--I have no idea how much she is getting to eat so there is no way to regulate it right now. With formula, I could pour exact amounts and regulate her eating and sleeping.
--The feeling of full breasts. I thought that was temporary but now I'm learning that you always have the sensation of milk filling up when it's time to feed again. I just find that to be bothersome. I can't even sleep on my side at night. Not to mention the fact that you leak so much you have to wear breast pads. It's uncomfortable and annoying.
I considered exclusively pumping but after a lot of research and trying to pump and feed even a couple of times in a row I realize that it's not a "time saver". It would be just as hard if not more so because you basically have to replace each breastfeeding session with a pumping session. That doesn't help when Nathan and Kenna are anxiously awaiting time with me.
So here I am. If I stop breastfeeding, tons of guilt for pulling away something that is really good for Alexa. If I keep breastfeeding, continued frustration and the impossibility of taking care of 3 kids under 2 at the same time (I have a lot of help right now because of my c section lifting restrictions but at 6 weeks I'll be back to my regular schedule with all of them again). If I exclusively pump, the only thing I gain is not having to breastfeed directly, and it would take even more time. Combined breastfeeding and pumping doesn't help much because I still have the issues of not enough time during the day to do it! Where does this leave me?
After three weeks of processing this I think I have decided on another option - pumping and formula combined. I think at this point, given all the issues above (and MOST importantly I should say I'm concerned about how much breastfeeding time takes away from Nathan and Kenna during the day), I have decided I'm OK with aiming for Alexa to have half breastmilk and half formula. That way she still gets the benefits, I won't feel guilty for pulling the plug, and I can feed bottles during the daytime hours, which is the big concern. Taking an average of 30 ounces a day that she'll be eating in the next 5 months or so, that means I want to pump 15 ounces. Right now I can pump 3 or 4 ounces every 2 or 3 hours. I'm hoping that if I pump 4 times per day I won't lose so much supply that I can't meet the 15 ounces. I can easily pump at 6:30 am (before the kids get up), 12:30 pm (when the kids go to nap), 6:30 pm (when the kids are down for the night) and 9 pm (when I go to bed). This seems to solve all the problems, as long as supply doesn't tank too much.
The question that remains is when to start this. I know if I cut back too soon it could be risky with the supply being too fragile. I know if I don't cut back soon enough I will lose more precious time with Alexa being distracted by not wanting to breastfeed. I know that I have exactly 3 more weeks of the extra help with Nathan and Kenna that allows me to continue breastfeeding so often and long and I need to get this squared away by the time that ends. Right now I just want to make it to one month (one more week) because that was my minimum goal to begin with. After that I think it will be day by day. I would love to get to 6 weeks to have the opportunity to see if it does get better, and maybe going day by day I'll get there. But no matter how much better it gets, breastfeeding just will never be something I enjoy doing. Hopefully with the plan of half formula/half breastmilk I can feel like I'm doing the best possible given our situation.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I don't have any answers for you, but I hear you on the guilt. You do what you decide is best for you and your children and that is the right thing.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering if I could email you?
ReplyDeleteleannediplock@hotmail.com if you wanted to send me your email. If not I understand. I have 2.5 years old and 1.5 year old twins so I know what you life is going to be like! I'd love to send you an email on this.
I could have written this post. :( Word for word (minus the twins...I only had one extra at home). It's a personal decision, but please just do NOT beat yourself up if you feel you need to stop. Not everyone enjoys breastfeeding, no matter what you have heard! Not everyone likes the feeling of full and leaking breasts! Formula is not poison! :) (Geez, sometimes I wish I could go back to formula so I would know they're getting the proper nutrients instead of fighting to get them into them with actual food!).
ReplyDeleteBoth of my kids were pretty much half breast milk, half formula fed and they're perfectly healthy, smart and happy kids. I was just thinking about this today, actually, because sometimes I feel so much guilt for all the frustration I felt about breastfeeding and for all the tension it caused in our family because I was too stubborn to stop. My husband used to tell me all the time that it might not actually be the best choice for our older son (since it caused jealousy/insecurity) or for our marriage (since I was so stressed out about it all the time). I do think it was different, too, because for the first one, like your twins, I wasn't recovering from birth or wasn't trying to nurse. It was a totally different parenting experience the second time around.
Breastfeeding isn't for everyone, Natasha. I know you'll figure it out...just want to say don't feel guilty if you feel you need to stop, that's all.
Just stumbled on your blog somehow. I had a 2 year old, then had infant twins I was trying to breastfeed. I ended up doing about 2/3 pumped milk, 1/3 formula for each twin. What I wanted to point out to you is that in my experience, as time went on I was able to "train" myself to do alot more milk each pumping session than I expected. At around 2-3 months old, I could pump out 12 oz per session and got my body used to pumping only 2 or 3 times a day. I think most people's bodies will adjust, so for a singleton you could justifiably pump enough for her to eat and only pump a couple times a day. This is what my friend (who HATES bfing) is trying to do but her baby is only 1 week old right now so the result is unknown. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteHey N - congrats on the birth of Alexa! She's a total beauty! It's been really interesting for me to have read your journey up until this point as I suffered a lot of guilt for not being able to breastfeed B. I have always thought that the amazingness of it that you hear about could be a total misconception and society driven.
ReplyDeleteLook at all you have accomplished. My girl is 100% formula fed and she's perfect. Healthy. Such a strong immune system. I think that you'll be a better Mom without the stress of it all. You tried it and it's not for you so I really hope that you don't feel guilty for ONE MINUTE anout your choice to pump/formula feed. You've done amazingly well - time to enjoy.
My two cents.....:O)
I never much liked it either - for most of the same reasons you posted, and I cried because it hurt so bad. What kept me going was the whole natural food aspect. I know it is kind of hard when you're just hearing from moms who loved it.
ReplyDeleteI dunno about the magic 6 week number, but why not try and make that the goal and reevaluate from there? Whatever decision you make, does not ruin your daughter, and does not make you less of a mother.
p.s. I want to meet her. Juan was at my house talking about her and I'm jealous now. ~C
Hey--I second Cristina--I want to meet her too! Also, I was reading on SMO the other day and the whole bfing vs. formula debate was going on there--again. Someone said something I wanted to share with you--A mother is more than what she chooses to feed her child. I just wanted to encourage you that in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter whether you fed formula or breastmilk and that a mother is defined by so much more than than what she chooses to feed her child in the first year. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI hated it. Hated every second. I hear ya, and do what you need to do Momma!!
ReplyDeleteHey there I have read your post and just wanted to say that you really shouldn't feel guilty about not breastfeeding. I formula fed my two oldest kids because breast feeding for me was more stress than I or the babes deserved. If its affecting your life, your families lives, if it adds issues rather than helps, than I wouldn't bother with it. I did breastfeed my last baby and loved it, but I was in a different place mentally. Maybe if you didn't have twins running about and felt like they were missing out, you would be in a different place.
ReplyDeleteThey say that the colustrumm is the best part of the breast milk, that happens in the first few days....you've made it 3 weeks (or more by the time you read this), from there, take it day by day, if you can't or don't want to do it anymore, no harm no foul. A happy mom means happy kids you know. If you can continue on great....either way there is no need to feel guilty. My kids are all equally happy and healthy. My 15 year old hardly ever gets sick and all my kids have great immune systems, formula fed or breast.
Just wanted to share however if you do decide to switch to formula, just do it slowly. Don't just switch but rather slowly add it to their diet so it doesn't upset her stomache. Going 1/4, 3/4, then half and half, then 1/4 3/4 the other way is the best...leave a few days in between before you move them up a bit more formula. It does make a difference in their bellies when you go slow.
Good luck and keep your chin up.