Discipline and Punishment

Yesterday we went to the county fair in the morning. There is something about the fair and seeing all the animals that I just LOVE! I don't like the creepy rides but I love the agricultural aspects. We went first thing in the morning and got a great parking space so I didn't have to walk far, then got in line to go in because it hadn't opened yet.

While waiting, we gave Nathan and Kenna a bottle of water to share. Neither of them really likes water but I'm trying to get them used to it. Still, they really like holding on to something, and normally I don't give them anything while waiting. We had two bottles of water, actually, but whenever we have a chance to teach them to share something we do that. Here was an opportunity.

For whatever reason, they were grumpy and didn't want to share (it has been going SO well in other ways!). So, we took it away after a few minutes. Kenna proceeded to throw a tantrum in the stroller, crying and screaming. And yes, everyone started looking at us.

This seemed like such a pivotal moment, as it moved in slow motion...what...should...we...do? On the one hand, I HATE to be embarrassed. I NEVER want to be *that* parent with screaming children. On the other hand, if I give in to it and give them what they are fighting over (with each getting a bottle), they quickly will learn that they simply throw a fit and then get what they want. Or, there is the horrible middle ground that so many people give in to - just distract them somehow so they forget what they wanted and stop crying and that way you didn't actually give them what they were crying over. For me personally, that's a "technique" I refuse to use. I don't believe distracting our kids is any kind of discipline. It may be easier for us but it doesn't do anything to teach them.

For 10 minutes we were waiting in the line and Kenna did not settle down the whole time. It was one of the worst tantrums I had ever seen from her - usually she calms down soon after we have a "talk" with her, but this time she refused. Embarrassed or not, we held our ground and didn't give her anything or distract her. After a while I told her that if she continued she would get a spanking inside. I've gone back and forth more times than I can count on whether I ever want to use spanking, because it's really punishment and not discipline, and discipline is what I believe *should* be important. It's a very fine line. But in cases like this, punishment is really the only thing that I felt fit the situation because 1) she had multiple warnings 2) there is no way to do a time out at this age because we need a containment area (otherwise they won't just sit there yet) and 3) there is no logical consequence like taking a toy away (I can't explain to a 19 month old that she will lose a toy when she gets home, and leaving the fair altogether was probably what would have calmed her down at that point; there was no point to me in all of us having to leave because of her bad attitude, which really leaves punishment). Bryan is more opposed to spanking than I am, though I have been mostly opposed all this time as well. Even he looked at me and said she needs a spanking. It was a weird moment where we both knew what fit the situation despite prior discussions where we agreed we weren't going to be a "spanking family".

So the gate finally opened and in we went. We immediately pulled over next to the barn and Kenna was taken out of the stroller, told why this was happening, told her it was going to happen 3 times, was turned over, and firmly spanked. After the spanking I explained it again and asked her to say sorry for her behavior. She said "sorry", I told her I forgave her even though she had to be punished for what she did. I asked her if she was now done with her crying/tantrum and she said "done" and nodded. We put her in the stroller and she didn't make a peep again over the issue.

This is really a tough issue for me. I feel like the perfect parent should be able to achieve the desired results without using pure punishment tactics. But, I guess none of us our perfect parents no matter how much we want to be. I've evaluated this in my head several times since then and I can't come to any better solution for that situation. Plus she responded exactly how I would have hoped so it re-enforced that it was the right thing to do.

I know that a lot of people would conclude that it's not worth spanking for something like that and we should have just walked her around until she cooled down (a form of distraction). But that's what she would have wanted. I feel strongly that I never want to give them what they want when they are throwing a fit so that just doesn't fit with my philosophy. Fortunately, Bryan and I are on the same page on it. It's just a tough thing to get your head around when you want to be "better" than spanking. I'm holding out hope that finding a necessity in it is temporary for this age group because you can't use delayed consequences. If they were like 3 or something I can't imagine needing it anymore because I could tell them what was going to happen at home and they would understand. Then again, there may be a whole new category of things I haven't even thought of for 3 year olds where spanking still comes into play. I'll just have to remain open I guess.