Parenting styles

One thing that has been so interesting to me as a parent is to see the wide variety in parenting styles that people take on...while at the same time, everyone has similar objectives - happy, healthy kids (to simplify). Yet, even looking around at all my friends, we all have such different views on how to get to our objective. I think it's fascinating, really.

I've come to believe that the middle 50% of all kids will all turn out about the same regardless of parenting style. I think whether those kids grow up in my house or another house (that at least has the same values, but maybe totally different parenting approaches), they will become pretty much the same people. But I do believe that there is a 25% on each side of the spectrum that are greatly influenced by parenting style. Since none of us really know where our kids fall, we all develop strong preferences for parenting styles assuming they make a profound difference in our particular cases. I know I have very strong preferences myself!

One of the biggest areas I feel passionately about, and I am growing to feel more so about, is the level of protectionism a parent has around their kids. I think this single area impacts a huge array of decisions around raising kids, so it's sort of an umbrella issue. It's especially of concern and interest to me because I'm a Christian and many Christians feel it is their duty to protect their kids from the world. I feel very different. I want to prepare and not protect. (I read the most wonderful book about this recently, The Danger of Raising Nice Kids, and if you are interested in the topic from a Christian perspective, I highly recommend it!!)

If I had to summarize my goal in this particular area, I would say it is to develop independent, confident children, who understand and experience the world around them while knowing how to be decision makers with a Christian world-view.

For me, this means:

--Ensuring a focus on helping my kids learn how to make appropriate decisions and think about consequences from both a secular and Christian perspective. I want to make sure I never become the center of my kids' universe, because that lends itself to them looking to me for everything and takes away the opportunity for them to grow up confident in their own abilities.

--I won't be a "hover mother"! I was at a class this weekend and the topic came up of "hover mothers" who are everywhere their kids are. The term made me laugh. I will allow my kids to always have a life outside of our family, even when that's hard to accept and often scary. I want to live with more "love than fear", as our pastor often says about all kinds of things in life.

--I will start them in preschool as soon as they are old enough so they can start gaining some of those independence skills. I feel that preschool is an important first milestone and can't wait to see them experience those first key steps of independence with little backpacks on their backs!

--In all likelihood, we will send them to public school after that. A friend and I were talking about Christian private school vs. public school over lunch recently and it made me think a lot. At a gut level, I know that I wouldn't personally choose that for my kids, but I have had to do some soul searching to best understand WHY. And the answer to that comes down to the topic I'm writing about in this post.

I don't think anything better PREPARES kids for life "in the world" than public school. I've seen the statistic many times that something like 85% of kids who grew up in church don't go back in college. I fully believe this is because many of those kids (not all) were not adequately prepared to face a world outside their families. Certainly some were probably not really Christians before going to college and were just being forced to go to church, but I can't even count the number of Christians I met in college who just went crazy their first time away from parental control. Kids I knew who spent their lives in private Christian school were amongst the worst in that area. Of course, that is a generalization - there are plenty who stay on the right track, but they seemed to be the exceptions. Now, I also know of plenty of people who go to Christian schools all their lives and then go to a Christian college and don't face the same challenges (to the same degree, at least). But there is no way to know if your child will make that decision (to go to a Christian college)! My job as a parent is to prepare them for the most difficult circumstances they will face. I believe that growing up in public school, rather than a more protective situation, best exposes a child to the reality of the world and gives a parent the opportunity to teach them how to live as a Christian no matter the context. It makes parenting far more difficult, because you have to really work intentionally at ensuring those lessons are being learned and constantly talk to your kids. It has to be top of mind all the time. Otherwise, sending them to public school could ultimately lead them down the wrong path. But if you are willing to put all your energy into it, I do believe it best prepares kids.

The other issue I have with Christian schools is that they often put kids at a disadvantage for college entrance. Parents are in effect choosing "protective insurance" over kids' lives versus choosing the path of opening opportunities for them that will impact what they can ultimately do in life. There are some top rate ones out there, but the vast majority are not as competitive for top colleges as top public or secular private schools are. (We happen to live next to one of the best public school districts in the country but I do realize not all public schools are good.) So how do I know my kids will even want to go to a top college? I absolutely don't. Maybe they won't even want to go to college. But again, isn't it my job to enable as many possible doors for them in the case that they WANT that? If they get the best educational experience possible and don't need to use it for getting into a top college because they want to go do something totally different, no harm done. If they get a limited educational experience and DO want to pursue a top college, I have effectively limited what they can do with their lives - for me, that would be a major failure as a parent. Additionally, getting into good colleges is about far more than high test scores, which can be achieved by anyone in any educational situation. It's about showing your leadership skills, getting involved with lots of extra curricular activities, sports, etc. Christian schools are typically small, with 50 students or less per class. The extracurricular and leadership opportunities just aren't there in the same way. There is no way that someone from a small, less than competitive school, can compete with someone from a school where they were able to star in the production of the Wizard of Oz, become a treasurer in student council, join three academic clubs that competed in state-wide events, participate in the region-winning soccer team, and so on. Just doesn't happen.

I'm sure there are some huge, highly rated, competitive Christian schools in the world that are the exception to this. There are many, many kids who go through Christian schools all their lives, go to top colleges, don't fall off their faith and are everything their parents dreamed of. There are the Tim Tebows of the world who were homeschooled and became college superstars. There are all kinds of exceptions to everything. And maybe for that middle 50% of kids I mentioned at the beginning, these school choices truly end up not being a foundational difference either way. But it all goes back to the kids on the two 25% tails. If mine are in the tails, I want to make sure that I never, ever limit their opportunities to experience the world to their fullest desires by prioritizing my own fears. Developing their spiritual lives and developing their lives in the world CAN be complementary paths, it just takes intentional work and a bit more courage.