We're actually at 15 and a half months already, but close enough! :)
I can't believe how much they are developing mentally lately. When babies are younger, all the changes you notice (for the most part) are related to their physical development. There are always new things with rolling, sitting, crawling, reaching, etc. Now that they are walking and have all their motor skills in full force, it sometimes seems that there aren't as many milestones. But when I stop and think about how much they are changing with their understanding of the world and talking, it's amazing! I've really seen a huge difference starting at 14 months. They suddenly became true toddlers and now at 15 months, toddlerhood looks to be in full force.
Exhibit A: They have mastered the word NO. Nathan has fun shaking his head back and forth and saying "no no no no no", but doesn't really use it yet to answer questions. Kenna, however...Oh, Kenna. She LOVES to say NO! A lot of times she will just shake her head, but more and more she will respond to something she doesn't want by waving her hand in the hair, shaking her head and saying "No!" Amazingly, I still think it's cute. :) It's so clear when she says it that it cracks me up - she has lots of other words, but they aren't clear like this. So when she suddenly has such a firm stance with "no" it makes me laugh. She says it with such certainty! I ask her questions all the time now because she knows yes also, but only with a nod and not the word. Generally speaking, if she doesn't know what you are asking, she nods. But if she does know what you are asking, you can get a very reliable answer either way. This has helped with meal time a lot because she has been so picky in the past and spit her food out. Now, I ask her with each piece, "do you want more ____ ?" and she will say yes or no. Almost always now she says yes. I think that she feels in control by being asked and has stopped fighting. (Oh no, another control freak in the house!) I told Bryan the other day that she is like a Magic 8 ball right now. You can ask her any question, and regardless of her understanding she will answer yes or no. "Kenna, will it rain today?" (Answer: big shaking of the head, waving of the hand and "no!") Nathan is still trying to coordinate the nodding motion of yes but he is trying really hard. :)
In related news, Kenna technically made her first two word sentence. She was standing at the bottom of the staircase and looked up at all the stairs. Rather than climb, she looked up at me and said, "Mama no!" Then she got a huge smile and climbed anyway. It made me laugh out loud!
Both Nathan and Kenna have had a major word explosion, in terms of their understanding. I can't even count how many words they understand, I'm constantly amazed by it. For example, they can point to their hands, arms, head, hair, ear, feet, knees, nose, eyes, tummy, and shoulders when asked. They follow a lot of instructions really well without any hand gesturing. They are like little sponges at this age! They follow several instructions in French too.
In the last month Kenna has really started talking a ton too. She went from having a couple of words a month ago to having all kinds! She has words for:
mama
dada
no
clock
play
bib
shirt
bread
cup
down
Pooh (as in Winnie the Pooh)
Bye bye
book ("boo")
bunny ("bu")
duck ("kuh")
bath ("ba")
go
Nathan (but she calls him "dee"! I have no idea why?!)
chat (cat in French)
donne (give in French)
Nathan is much less verbal, but I'm seeing him pick up interest in words lately. He says:
mama
dada
bath ("ba")
bye bye
chat
no
clock
duck
go
They both now understand what I'm asking when I say, "can you say ____ ". That's helped a lot in encouraging them to talk because now they know I'm asking them to verbally respond. You can see Kenna actually studying my lips when I ask her that question and then she tries really hard to repeat. She seems very interested in talking. Nathan doesn't seem to care much, but thinks some words are funny. If you ask them, "what sound does a bear make?" Nathan immediately lights up and says "GRRRR!" It's SO cute. And Kenna makes a tiny little "grrrr" that makes my heart melt every time. It's my favorite thing right now. I wish I could make them grrr all day because it's just adorable. :)
Two weeks ago we started going to a French class. It's not exactly a "class" at this age but more like a playroom where you play in French with the teacher. I'm so excited about it. After one session, Kenna was handing me things and saying "donne" (give). I was one proud mama! My mom is from France but I wasn't raised to speak it fluently. I have taught myself a lot over time and am intermediate level (advanced with reading) but it's so hard to learn as an adult compared to as a kid. I am thrilled to give them this opportunity to learn another language very early. Since I can speak with them at home, I can reinforce it and it's good for me too!
Aside from that, here are a few random tidbits:
--We just took away the morning nap last week. I still put them down for quiet time for half an hour because *I* need the time to shower, etc. and don't want to get up super early to do that before they wake up first thing! But it's not enough for them to fall asleep now, so it doesn't ruin their big lunch nap and that was the problem. Now they sleep 12-2:30.
--We are going to Hawaii for two weeks at the beginning of May! yes, we may be insane to attempt such a flight with two kids their age but we are really feeling the need to go somewhere. If anyone has flight tips for young kids, would love to hear!
--Nathan has his first molar - Kenna already has all four!
That's about it. They have their 15 month appointment tomorrow and I'll post a brief one with their latest "stats"...I weighed Nathan on my own and he is about 26 pounds! I have some Easter pictures we had done that I will post soon.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Difference Between Being and IM and Being Pregnant
Several of you mentioned being curious about this so I wanted to do a post on my thoughts so far about pregnancy versus being and "intended mom" (I still hate that term - you are ALWAYS the mom whether pregnant or not...not just intended!). As time goes on, I'm sure there will be other differences but I can reflect so far on the first trimester (plus change...I'm 15 weeks now).
I think the number one thing that you wonder about as an IM (or wonder about missing out on) is bonding with the baby while pregnant. You wonder if you would feel differently if the baby were actually inside you. Well, I can honestly say that I felt more bonded to Nathan and Kenna by this point than I do to this baby. There is absolutely nothing - for me - about having the baby physically inside me that has made me have more feelings for him/her than I did for the twins. I truly believe now that bonding is a state of mind. There are two reasons I think that in my case I was MORE bonded to the twins at this point:
1) They were our first kids. NOTHING can match the ultimate excitement and relief of knowing that after all we went through we really were going to have the kids we wanted so badly. I mean nothing. I cried tears of happiness all the time. Whether we ever had another child or not, we had the twins, and that is what mattered. That's not to say that we weren't/aren't excited to add to our family - of course we are! It's just that there is something far more EMOTIONAL about the first child when you've been through infertility (and possibly when you haven't - but I can't speak to that). I thought about what it would be like to have them constantly...but I'm so busy with them now that I really don't think about the new baby that much! So having a baby inside you has nothing to do with how you bond with him/her in my experience.
2) We had ultrasounds all the time with N & K. This makes a huge difference too. When you see the baby all the time you bond with him/her. You think about it more. Since this is a totally "normal" pregnancy, we get like two ultrasounds the whole pregnancy. It's bizarre. I could be growing an alien and they wouldn't know. I got used to seeing N & K all the time and that was a bonding experience!
So, I have to say that bonding, in my experience, has nothing to do with physically carrying a baby. I have not thought for one second "wow, I wish I carried Nathan and Kenna so I could have bonded more before they were born".
I guess I should add that I have never had any romantic notions of pregnancy. So this may all be very different for someone who really wanted to experience the physical part of pregnancy. As I've said in the past, I honestly never felt strongly about it. Because of that, I don't think I'm handling this next difference very well.
Next difference: When you are an IM, you obviously don't experience all the physical challenges with being pregnant. If you are someone who really dreamed of being pregnant and "feeling life inside you", you probably think more about rubbing your growing belly and feeling kicks. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but for me, it has been ALL negative physically. I know a lot of people who went through IF say that they just wanted to enjoy every second of their pregnancy - the good AND the bad - because it had eluded them for so long. But I find it impossible to embrace being sick (I know, I know, call me the bad attitude bear!). I am 15 weeks pregnant and still throw up every single day. Often more than once still. I generally feel nauseated. All the time. I constantly feel hungry even when nothing sounds good and have to eat. My immune system is down due to being pregnant and I've had four colds in two months. I can't take much medicine since I'm pregnant, but what I do take makes me feel guilty and wonder if I've hurt the baby. I generally can't sleep between 1 and 4 am. I've never had sleeping problems in my life. I wake up so early in the morning because of being sick that I'm ready for bed by 8 every night. Because of that I never have time to myself (it used to be at night) and rarely get to spend time with Bryan. I feel hormones in full force and am completely short tempered with everyone around me. I generally have felt horrible every day for 3 months and, to be honest, see each week as counting down to not being sick rather than counting down to a baby. I want to feel like a real person again.
I've been fortunate in that I haven't had any problems thus far with the pregnancy itself. If that added to it, I can't even imagine. I do know that not everyone has the physical symptoms so bad and in general I'm probably worse since every book says "you will almost certainly feel great by 14 weeks!" If I weren't so miserable physically I think I would probably be "bonding" more too. I guess that's a third reason. I really don't feel much like getting excited about the baby when I'm hovering over a toilet, sink, or plastic bag. I had a couple of days where I suddenly felt well last week and I have to say that it made all the difference in the world. I very suddenly started thinking about the baby and got excited about our new addition. It was literally that much of a switch over, just being able to feel well for two days. I really envy people who just walk around being pregnant and feeling great!
So physically thus far, you really aren't missing out being an IM. :)
One of the things I wondered about when I was an IM was how it FELT to be pregnant. I always thought I was missing out on some universal mystery of pregnancy. Like every woman who had been pregnant had felt something crazy that I hadn't. Honestly, if I weren't sick, I wouldn't know I'm pregnant. You don't feel anything. Your belly grows and that is a weird thing because you really have no other way of knowing anything is inside of you. There is no mysterious feeling, no fireworks going off in your belly, no little tugs from a little hand. It feels the same as it does for you sitting right there reading this if you aren't pregnant. I know that will change with the baby getting bigger, as you feel the baby moving around. And I'll let you know how I feel at that point. :) But aside from physically feeling the baby later in pregnancy, there is no feeling physically to being pregnant before that. When people say they just love being pregnant, that isn't some mysterious state of being...it's some combination of a state of mind ("growing a life inside of me") and I'm guessing enjoying the feelings that come later of the baby moving around inside.
From all of the post so far, you can probably tell I don't feel at this point that IMs miss out on much by not physically carrying. But there are some things that have been good.
First, it is SO much easier logistically when you are pregnant "alone". Even though we were a pretty smooth sailing ship with appointments, etc., between Bryan, myself and J, was still a feat to get three people everywhere. J has two kids and she always had to arrange with her mom or husband to babysit. I always felt really guilty when we had appointments, especially since we had a lot. I never wanted to put her out more than we already were! It was always weird at appointments when the doctor would ask us to leave after a while so she could have private conversations with J. I felt like an intruder even though I understood, of course. Bryan felt weird a lot of times in the room because he didn't want J to be uncomfortable with his presence (pregnancy is a personal thing!). At the birth there were all kinds of complicated logistics due to the situation. Being pregnant yourself is just much less complicated logistically.
Second, it is much less mentally stressful, as far as being concerned about someone else. The number one hardest thing for me about being an IM was constantly being worried about what J was thinking and feeling. I felt guilty all the time that someone was doing this for me. I obsessed about whether she felt appreciated, whether she regretted what she was doing, whether I said something wrong, etc. It was hard not being able to just casually enjoy everything because I wanted desperately to be sure it was a good experience for J. I felt horrible when she was down in any way, on bedrest, with morning sickness (and I didn't even know the extent at the time), etc. I feel stressed even typing this right now...in retrospect I realize I was stressed constantly even though she is the most laid back person imaginable! She made it all seem like a breeze, even though of course it wasn't! So, I would say it has been much less stressful in one way than when I was an IM. You know you can never adequately thank your surro for the massive sacrifice she made, and I think most of us feel the same in that it sometimes feels like a giant debt you can never repay. It's very hard to accept a gift you can't return in any comparable way - even though you know your surro doesn't see it that way.
Lastly, and this is the big one for me, I have to admit this has been healing for me in some ways. Even though I never cared about being physically pregnant, I have always been bothered by not knowing what was wrong with me. I hated the mystery. I have spent way too much time observing random pregnant women I see at the store, etc., and wondering how on earth I have such a mysterious issue that doctors can't figure out why my body can't do the most basic of functions. It's funny because I STILL don't know why all the IVFs didn't work, but I now feel like the mystery is gone. I know I CAN get pregnant - naturally even! I don't really have to wonder anymore now about what the heck is wrong with me. I'll never know about the IVFs but I know that it's just really hard for me to get pregnant (most likely due to endometriosis), not impossible. I no longer feel so bizarre. "Really, really difficult to get pregnant but possible" is a good enough answer for me. What was so crazy before in my mind is that it just wasn't possible at all. I always understood why endometriosis makes it much harder but it should never have made it impossible. Now I know it isn't.
I also am really enjoying feeling "normal" for the first time in this area of life. I've always embraced our surrogacy story and love to share it. In fact, I tell people all the time even when it's not necessary at all given the conversation. But no matter how much I embraced it, part of me still wanted to be "normal". At times I just wanted to blend in with other pregnant women and couldn't - like at the hospital tour, or baby care classes, or doing a registry, etc. (I did our registry online because I felt too weird going in the store without a belly!). I like my mundane OB appointments where we talk about all the standard stuff and not infertility. They don't care about my past at all. I'm just like everyone else there. I actually enjoy sitting in the waiting room, one pregnant woman amongst many. I like telling people I'm pregnant when it comes up in casual conversation with strangers (like at the store or something when people come to talk to N & K). It's fun to say something so casually ("yes, and I'm pregnant with their little sibling...") that only I know is SO crazy!
I have to clarify that there is absolutely nothing abnormal about surrogacy that anyone SHOULD feel isolated for - it's just that *I personally* felt abnormal, so being pregnant is healing for me on this issue that *I* had. I know a lot of other IMs probably feel/felt that way too, but I just didn't want anyone reading to think I was suggesting that surrogacy is something you SHOULD feel abnormal about, KWIM? That was just my own issue.
As my belly grows I find myself looking at my profile in the mirror every morning in awe - and confusion! It's all really hard to grasp. Even though I don't love being pregnant, I'm seeing more and more that it is healing some emotional scars that run deep from the whole IF experience. And most of all it means that we are having the opportunity to add to our family, which I never thought was going to be possible. At the end of the day, though, whether you are an IM or you are pregnant yourself, what really matters is that you are going to be a mom and the pregnancy is a blip on the map of the hopefully many years you'll have with your little one.
I think the number one thing that you wonder about as an IM (or wonder about missing out on) is bonding with the baby while pregnant. You wonder if you would feel differently if the baby were actually inside you. Well, I can honestly say that I felt more bonded to Nathan and Kenna by this point than I do to this baby. There is absolutely nothing - for me - about having the baby physically inside me that has made me have more feelings for him/her than I did for the twins. I truly believe now that bonding is a state of mind. There are two reasons I think that in my case I was MORE bonded to the twins at this point:
1) They were our first kids. NOTHING can match the ultimate excitement and relief of knowing that after all we went through we really were going to have the kids we wanted so badly. I mean nothing. I cried tears of happiness all the time. Whether we ever had another child or not, we had the twins, and that is what mattered. That's not to say that we weren't/aren't excited to add to our family - of course we are! It's just that there is something far more EMOTIONAL about the first child when you've been through infertility (and possibly when you haven't - but I can't speak to that). I thought about what it would be like to have them constantly...but I'm so busy with them now that I really don't think about the new baby that much! So having a baby inside you has nothing to do with how you bond with him/her in my experience.
2) We had ultrasounds all the time with N & K. This makes a huge difference too. When you see the baby all the time you bond with him/her. You think about it more. Since this is a totally "normal" pregnancy, we get like two ultrasounds the whole pregnancy. It's bizarre. I could be growing an alien and they wouldn't know. I got used to seeing N & K all the time and that was a bonding experience!
So, I have to say that bonding, in my experience, has nothing to do with physically carrying a baby. I have not thought for one second "wow, I wish I carried Nathan and Kenna so I could have bonded more before they were born".
I guess I should add that I have never had any romantic notions of pregnancy. So this may all be very different for someone who really wanted to experience the physical part of pregnancy. As I've said in the past, I honestly never felt strongly about it. Because of that, I don't think I'm handling this next difference very well.
Next difference: When you are an IM, you obviously don't experience all the physical challenges with being pregnant. If you are someone who really dreamed of being pregnant and "feeling life inside you", you probably think more about rubbing your growing belly and feeling kicks. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but for me, it has been ALL negative physically. I know a lot of people who went through IF say that they just wanted to enjoy every second of their pregnancy - the good AND the bad - because it had eluded them for so long. But I find it impossible to embrace being sick (I know, I know, call me the bad attitude bear!). I am 15 weeks pregnant and still throw up every single day. Often more than once still. I generally feel nauseated. All the time. I constantly feel hungry even when nothing sounds good and have to eat. My immune system is down due to being pregnant and I've had four colds in two months. I can't take much medicine since I'm pregnant, but what I do take makes me feel guilty and wonder if I've hurt the baby. I generally can't sleep between 1 and 4 am. I've never had sleeping problems in my life. I wake up so early in the morning because of being sick that I'm ready for bed by 8 every night. Because of that I never have time to myself (it used to be at night) and rarely get to spend time with Bryan. I feel hormones in full force and am completely short tempered with everyone around me. I generally have felt horrible every day for 3 months and, to be honest, see each week as counting down to not being sick rather than counting down to a baby. I want to feel like a real person again.
I've been fortunate in that I haven't had any problems thus far with the pregnancy itself. If that added to it, I can't even imagine. I do know that not everyone has the physical symptoms so bad and in general I'm probably worse since every book says "you will almost certainly feel great by 14 weeks!" If I weren't so miserable physically I think I would probably be "bonding" more too. I guess that's a third reason. I really don't feel much like getting excited about the baby when I'm hovering over a toilet, sink, or plastic bag. I had a couple of days where I suddenly felt well last week and I have to say that it made all the difference in the world. I very suddenly started thinking about the baby and got excited about our new addition. It was literally that much of a switch over, just being able to feel well for two days. I really envy people who just walk around being pregnant and feeling great!
So physically thus far, you really aren't missing out being an IM. :)
One of the things I wondered about when I was an IM was how it FELT to be pregnant. I always thought I was missing out on some universal mystery of pregnancy. Like every woman who had been pregnant had felt something crazy that I hadn't. Honestly, if I weren't sick, I wouldn't know I'm pregnant. You don't feel anything. Your belly grows and that is a weird thing because you really have no other way of knowing anything is inside of you. There is no mysterious feeling, no fireworks going off in your belly, no little tugs from a little hand. It feels the same as it does for you sitting right there reading this if you aren't pregnant. I know that will change with the baby getting bigger, as you feel the baby moving around. And I'll let you know how I feel at that point. :) But aside from physically feeling the baby later in pregnancy, there is no feeling physically to being pregnant before that. When people say they just love being pregnant, that isn't some mysterious state of being...it's some combination of a state of mind ("growing a life inside of me") and I'm guessing enjoying the feelings that come later of the baby moving around inside.
From all of the post so far, you can probably tell I don't feel at this point that IMs miss out on much by not physically carrying. But there are some things that have been good.
First, it is SO much easier logistically when you are pregnant "alone". Even though we were a pretty smooth sailing ship with appointments, etc., between Bryan, myself and J, was still a feat to get three people everywhere. J has two kids and she always had to arrange with her mom or husband to babysit. I always felt really guilty when we had appointments, especially since we had a lot. I never wanted to put her out more than we already were! It was always weird at appointments when the doctor would ask us to leave after a while so she could have private conversations with J. I felt like an intruder even though I understood, of course. Bryan felt weird a lot of times in the room because he didn't want J to be uncomfortable with his presence (pregnancy is a personal thing!). At the birth there were all kinds of complicated logistics due to the situation. Being pregnant yourself is just much less complicated logistically.
Second, it is much less mentally stressful, as far as being concerned about someone else. The number one hardest thing for me about being an IM was constantly being worried about what J was thinking and feeling. I felt guilty all the time that someone was doing this for me. I obsessed about whether she felt appreciated, whether she regretted what she was doing, whether I said something wrong, etc. It was hard not being able to just casually enjoy everything because I wanted desperately to be sure it was a good experience for J. I felt horrible when she was down in any way, on bedrest, with morning sickness (and I didn't even know the extent at the time), etc. I feel stressed even typing this right now...in retrospect I realize I was stressed constantly even though she is the most laid back person imaginable! She made it all seem like a breeze, even though of course it wasn't! So, I would say it has been much less stressful in one way than when I was an IM. You know you can never adequately thank your surro for the massive sacrifice she made, and I think most of us feel the same in that it sometimes feels like a giant debt you can never repay. It's very hard to accept a gift you can't return in any comparable way - even though you know your surro doesn't see it that way.
Lastly, and this is the big one for me, I have to admit this has been healing for me in some ways. Even though I never cared about being physically pregnant, I have always been bothered by not knowing what was wrong with me. I hated the mystery. I have spent way too much time observing random pregnant women I see at the store, etc., and wondering how on earth I have such a mysterious issue that doctors can't figure out why my body can't do the most basic of functions. It's funny because I STILL don't know why all the IVFs didn't work, but I now feel like the mystery is gone. I know I CAN get pregnant - naturally even! I don't really have to wonder anymore now about what the heck is wrong with me. I'll never know about the IVFs but I know that it's just really hard for me to get pregnant (most likely due to endometriosis), not impossible. I no longer feel so bizarre. "Really, really difficult to get pregnant but possible" is a good enough answer for me. What was so crazy before in my mind is that it just wasn't possible at all. I always understood why endometriosis makes it much harder but it should never have made it impossible. Now I know it isn't.
I also am really enjoying feeling "normal" for the first time in this area of life. I've always embraced our surrogacy story and love to share it. In fact, I tell people all the time even when it's not necessary at all given the conversation. But no matter how much I embraced it, part of me still wanted to be "normal". At times I just wanted to blend in with other pregnant women and couldn't - like at the hospital tour, or baby care classes, or doing a registry, etc. (I did our registry online because I felt too weird going in the store without a belly!). I like my mundane OB appointments where we talk about all the standard stuff and not infertility. They don't care about my past at all. I'm just like everyone else there. I actually enjoy sitting in the waiting room, one pregnant woman amongst many. I like telling people I'm pregnant when it comes up in casual conversation with strangers (like at the store or something when people come to talk to N & K). It's fun to say something so casually ("yes, and I'm pregnant with their little sibling...") that only I know is SO crazy!
I have to clarify that there is absolutely nothing abnormal about surrogacy that anyone SHOULD feel isolated for - it's just that *I personally* felt abnormal, so being pregnant is healing for me on this issue that *I* had. I know a lot of other IMs probably feel/felt that way too, but I just didn't want anyone reading to think I was suggesting that surrogacy is something you SHOULD feel abnormal about, KWIM? That was just my own issue.
As my belly grows I find myself looking at my profile in the mirror every morning in awe - and confusion! It's all really hard to grasp. Even though I don't love being pregnant, I'm seeing more and more that it is healing some emotional scars that run deep from the whole IF experience. And most of all it means that we are having the opportunity to add to our family, which I never thought was going to be possible. At the end of the day, though, whether you are an IM or you are pregnant yourself, what really matters is that you are going to be a mom and the pregnancy is a blip on the map of the hopefully many years you'll have with your little one.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Parenting styles
One thing that has been so interesting to me as a parent is to see the wide variety in parenting styles that people take on...while at the same time, everyone has similar objectives - happy, healthy kids (to simplify). Yet, even looking around at all my friends, we all have such different views on how to get to our objective. I think it's fascinating, really.
I've come to believe that the middle 50% of all kids will all turn out about the same regardless of parenting style. I think whether those kids grow up in my house or another house (that at least has the same values, but maybe totally different parenting approaches), they will become pretty much the same people. But I do believe that there is a 25% on each side of the spectrum that are greatly influenced by parenting style. Since none of us really know where our kids fall, we all develop strong preferences for parenting styles assuming they make a profound difference in our particular cases. I know I have very strong preferences myself!
One of the biggest areas I feel passionately about, and I am growing to feel more so about, is the level of protectionism a parent has around their kids. I think this single area impacts a huge array of decisions around raising kids, so it's sort of an umbrella issue. It's especially of concern and interest to me because I'm a Christian and many Christians feel it is their duty to protect their kids from the world. I feel very different. I want to prepare and not protect. (I read the most wonderful book about this recently, The Danger of Raising Nice Kids, and if you are interested in the topic from a Christian perspective, I highly recommend it!!)
If I had to summarize my goal in this particular area, I would say it is to develop independent, confident children, who understand and experience the world around them while knowing how to be decision makers with a Christian world-view.
For me, this means:
--Ensuring a focus on helping my kids learn how to make appropriate decisions and think about consequences from both a secular and Christian perspective. I want to make sure I never become the center of my kids' universe, because that lends itself to them looking to me for everything and takes away the opportunity for them to grow up confident in their own abilities.
--I won't be a "hover mother"! I was at a class this weekend and the topic came up of "hover mothers" who are everywhere their kids are. The term made me laugh. I will allow my kids to always have a life outside of our family, even when that's hard to accept and often scary. I want to live with more "love than fear", as our pastor often says about all kinds of things in life.
--I will start them in preschool as soon as they are old enough so they can start gaining some of those independence skills. I feel that preschool is an important first milestone and can't wait to see them experience those first key steps of independence with little backpacks on their backs!
--In all likelihood, we will send them to public school after that. A friend and I were talking about Christian private school vs. public school over lunch recently and it made me think a lot. At a gut level, I know that I wouldn't personally choose that for my kids, but I have had to do some soul searching to best understand WHY. And the answer to that comes down to the topic I'm writing about in this post.
I don't think anything better PREPARES kids for life "in the world" than public school. I've seen the statistic many times that something like 85% of kids who grew up in church don't go back in college. I fully believe this is because many of those kids (not all) were not adequately prepared to face a world outside their families. Certainly some were probably not really Christians before going to college and were just being forced to go to church, but I can't even count the number of Christians I met in college who just went crazy their first time away from parental control. Kids I knew who spent their lives in private Christian school were amongst the worst in that area. Of course, that is a generalization - there are plenty who stay on the right track, but they seemed to be the exceptions. Now, I also know of plenty of people who go to Christian schools all their lives and then go to a Christian college and don't face the same challenges (to the same degree, at least). But there is no way to know if your child will make that decision (to go to a Christian college)! My job as a parent is to prepare them for the most difficult circumstances they will face. I believe that growing up in public school, rather than a more protective situation, best exposes a child to the reality of the world and gives a parent the opportunity to teach them how to live as a Christian no matter the context. It makes parenting far more difficult, because you have to really work intentionally at ensuring those lessons are being learned and constantly talk to your kids. It has to be top of mind all the time. Otherwise, sending them to public school could ultimately lead them down the wrong path. But if you are willing to put all your energy into it, I do believe it best prepares kids.
The other issue I have with Christian schools is that they often put kids at a disadvantage for college entrance. Parents are in effect choosing "protective insurance" over kids' lives versus choosing the path of opening opportunities for them that will impact what they can ultimately do in life. There are some top rate ones out there, but the vast majority are not as competitive for top colleges as top public or secular private schools are. (We happen to live next to one of the best public school districts in the country but I do realize not all public schools are good.) So how do I know my kids will even want to go to a top college? I absolutely don't. Maybe they won't even want to go to college. But again, isn't it my job to enable as many possible doors for them in the case that they WANT that? If they get the best educational experience possible and don't need to use it for getting into a top college because they want to go do something totally different, no harm done. If they get a limited educational experience and DO want to pursue a top college, I have effectively limited what they can do with their lives - for me, that would be a major failure as a parent. Additionally, getting into good colleges is about far more than high test scores, which can be achieved by anyone in any educational situation. It's about showing your leadership skills, getting involved with lots of extra curricular activities, sports, etc. Christian schools are typically small, with 50 students or less per class. The extracurricular and leadership opportunities just aren't there in the same way. There is no way that someone from a small, less than competitive school, can compete with someone from a school where they were able to star in the production of the Wizard of Oz, become a treasurer in student council, join three academic clubs that competed in state-wide events, participate in the region-winning soccer team, and so on. Just doesn't happen.
I'm sure there are some huge, highly rated, competitive Christian schools in the world that are the exception to this. There are many, many kids who go through Christian schools all their lives, go to top colleges, don't fall off their faith and are everything their parents dreamed of. There are the Tim Tebows of the world who were homeschooled and became college superstars. There are all kinds of exceptions to everything. And maybe for that middle 50% of kids I mentioned at the beginning, these school choices truly end up not being a foundational difference either way. But it all goes back to the kids on the two 25% tails. If mine are in the tails, I want to make sure that I never, ever limit their opportunities to experience the world to their fullest desires by prioritizing my own fears. Developing their spiritual lives and developing their lives in the world CAN be complementary paths, it just takes intentional work and a bit more courage.
I've come to believe that the middle 50% of all kids will all turn out about the same regardless of parenting style. I think whether those kids grow up in my house or another house (that at least has the same values, but maybe totally different parenting approaches), they will become pretty much the same people. But I do believe that there is a 25% on each side of the spectrum that are greatly influenced by parenting style. Since none of us really know where our kids fall, we all develop strong preferences for parenting styles assuming they make a profound difference in our particular cases. I know I have very strong preferences myself!
One of the biggest areas I feel passionately about, and I am growing to feel more so about, is the level of protectionism a parent has around their kids. I think this single area impacts a huge array of decisions around raising kids, so it's sort of an umbrella issue. It's especially of concern and interest to me because I'm a Christian and many Christians feel it is their duty to protect their kids from the world. I feel very different. I want to prepare and not protect. (I read the most wonderful book about this recently, The Danger of Raising Nice Kids, and if you are interested in the topic from a Christian perspective, I highly recommend it!!)
If I had to summarize my goal in this particular area, I would say it is to develop independent, confident children, who understand and experience the world around them while knowing how to be decision makers with a Christian world-view.
For me, this means:
--Ensuring a focus on helping my kids learn how to make appropriate decisions and think about consequences from both a secular and Christian perspective. I want to make sure I never become the center of my kids' universe, because that lends itself to them looking to me for everything and takes away the opportunity for them to grow up confident in their own abilities.
--I won't be a "hover mother"! I was at a class this weekend and the topic came up of "hover mothers" who are everywhere their kids are. The term made me laugh. I will allow my kids to always have a life outside of our family, even when that's hard to accept and often scary. I want to live with more "love than fear", as our pastor often says about all kinds of things in life.
--I will start them in preschool as soon as they are old enough so they can start gaining some of those independence skills. I feel that preschool is an important first milestone and can't wait to see them experience those first key steps of independence with little backpacks on their backs!
--In all likelihood, we will send them to public school after that. A friend and I were talking about Christian private school vs. public school over lunch recently and it made me think a lot. At a gut level, I know that I wouldn't personally choose that for my kids, but I have had to do some soul searching to best understand WHY. And the answer to that comes down to the topic I'm writing about in this post.
I don't think anything better PREPARES kids for life "in the world" than public school. I've seen the statistic many times that something like 85% of kids who grew up in church don't go back in college. I fully believe this is because many of those kids (not all) were not adequately prepared to face a world outside their families. Certainly some were probably not really Christians before going to college and were just being forced to go to church, but I can't even count the number of Christians I met in college who just went crazy their first time away from parental control. Kids I knew who spent their lives in private Christian school were amongst the worst in that area. Of course, that is a generalization - there are plenty who stay on the right track, but they seemed to be the exceptions. Now, I also know of plenty of people who go to Christian schools all their lives and then go to a Christian college and don't face the same challenges (to the same degree, at least). But there is no way to know if your child will make that decision (to go to a Christian college)! My job as a parent is to prepare them for the most difficult circumstances they will face. I believe that growing up in public school, rather than a more protective situation, best exposes a child to the reality of the world and gives a parent the opportunity to teach them how to live as a Christian no matter the context. It makes parenting far more difficult, because you have to really work intentionally at ensuring those lessons are being learned and constantly talk to your kids. It has to be top of mind all the time. Otherwise, sending them to public school could ultimately lead them down the wrong path. But if you are willing to put all your energy into it, I do believe it best prepares kids.
The other issue I have with Christian schools is that they often put kids at a disadvantage for college entrance. Parents are in effect choosing "protective insurance" over kids' lives versus choosing the path of opening opportunities for them that will impact what they can ultimately do in life. There are some top rate ones out there, but the vast majority are not as competitive for top colleges as top public or secular private schools are. (We happen to live next to one of the best public school districts in the country but I do realize not all public schools are good.) So how do I know my kids will even want to go to a top college? I absolutely don't. Maybe they won't even want to go to college. But again, isn't it my job to enable as many possible doors for them in the case that they WANT that? If they get the best educational experience possible and don't need to use it for getting into a top college because they want to go do something totally different, no harm done. If they get a limited educational experience and DO want to pursue a top college, I have effectively limited what they can do with their lives - for me, that would be a major failure as a parent. Additionally, getting into good colleges is about far more than high test scores, which can be achieved by anyone in any educational situation. It's about showing your leadership skills, getting involved with lots of extra curricular activities, sports, etc. Christian schools are typically small, with 50 students or less per class. The extracurricular and leadership opportunities just aren't there in the same way. There is no way that someone from a small, less than competitive school, can compete with someone from a school where they were able to star in the production of the Wizard of Oz, become a treasurer in student council, join three academic clubs that competed in state-wide events, participate in the region-winning soccer team, and so on. Just doesn't happen.
I'm sure there are some huge, highly rated, competitive Christian schools in the world that are the exception to this. There are many, many kids who go through Christian schools all their lives, go to top colleges, don't fall off their faith and are everything their parents dreamed of. There are the Tim Tebows of the world who were homeschooled and became college superstars. There are all kinds of exceptions to everything. And maybe for that middle 50% of kids I mentioned at the beginning, these school choices truly end up not being a foundational difference either way. But it all goes back to the kids on the two 25% tails. If mine are in the tails, I want to make sure that I never, ever limit their opportunities to experience the world to their fullest desires by prioritizing my own fears. Developing their spiritual lives and developing their lives in the world CAN be complementary paths, it just takes intentional work and a bit more courage.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
What our lives look like right now
First, thanks so much for all the congrats on my last post. :) I really appreciate it! I will do my next post in response to the question about the difference between being an IM and being pregnant!
****
I thought it would be interesting to document a little about what our daily lives are like right now. I was thinking the other day I'm going to end up with all kinds of documentation about milestones, etc., but nothing about the day to day. So here's what it looks like for us at the moment.
N & K wake up between 6 and 6:30 most mornings, but I don't go get them until 7. I can usually hear them chatting with each other for a while. This morning I actually heard Nathan say "Uh oh" and it made me laugh out loud in bed wondering what on earth prompted that (he only says it periodically). Right now, with the morning sickness, I usually get up to throw up (lovely!) about 6 because I just can't stay in bed any longer while sick. Then I trudge downstairs to determine what I can eat that I think will stay down that morning. I work on stabilizing until about 7 and then go back up to get them.
When I open the door, Nathan is usually jumping up and down in his crib in excitement. Kenna is waving. And generally there is a profound smell of poo in the air that makes me question how stable my stomach is at that point! I change each of them into clothes for the day, and brush their teeth and hair. I then put one in the crib to wait while I take the other downstairs. I open the door and whoever isn't in the crib knows to walk down the hall to the stairs. I give him/her a "ride" down the stairs then put him/her in the pack n play in the living room to wait for the other. (Repeat process for other one now.) The other then goes in the second pack n play and I'm now free to make breakfast. It's usually 7:30 at this point.
For breakfast we vary between oatmeal, fruit, yogurt, toast and eggs. They generally like all breakfast foods, though scrambled eggs are much preferred to eggs over easy (I do cook the yoke all the way through). I often sing to them while feeding them breakfast. We start every morning with "This is the day the Lord has made", which I hope as they get older becomes meaningful to them as a way to start every day with a grateful heart!
At any meal, breakfast or otherwise, we have several rules:
1. No dropping ANYTHING from the high chair. No food or bottles. If one drops something when it was clearly intentional, they are scolded for it and I turn the high chair around so they can't eat for 2 minutes. (I don't do this if it's an accident.)
2. No spitting EVER. If someone spits food, I promptly put the food back in their mouths and hand them milk. I want to teach them that if they don't like something, they can say "all done" with their hands but they may NEVER EVER spit. And if you don't like something once it is in your mouth, wash it down with a drink! This has really worked well as they rarely spit anymore. Kenna just asks for milk a lot. :)
3. No playing with food. Kenna does this when she doesn't want to eat something sometimes. I just put it on a fork and feed it to her and then she gets going again.
4. If it's possible to eat it with their hands, they self feed. If it is fork food, I put the food on the fork and hand the fork to them, which they put in their mouths.
5. NO whining/complaining. They are free to feel how they want but not free to act how they want! If they are mad or upset, I turn the high chair around immediately and let them know it's OK to feel that way, but it's not OK to make their mommy and brother/sister upset at the same time so they need to fuss on their own. When they stop crying, I turn the chair back. This works GREAT!
6. When they are done eating/drinking, they are asked to hand me their plate and cup. I then present them with a wipe and ask them to wash their hands (they place their hands on it and rub). I clean them up the rest of the way. When they are all clean I tell them it's time to clean up breakfast. They sit in their chairs and watch while I clean up the counter. I describe everything I'm doing and they watch intently (the plate is dirty so we need to wash it...I'm washing the plate with water...look, the plate is all clean! Now the spoon is dirty, let's wash it too...etc.) I'm not cleaning the whole kitchen or anything, just the basics of what we used so they understand eating comes with responsibilities! They are great about watching patiently (and one never gets to be done eating before the other). If anyone does fuss during this process, they are last to go play.
After breakfast I ask, "who wants to go play?" And they both say "pl! pl!" :) I take them from there down to our playroom, which has a gate across it so they are contained. At that point I usually leave them to play independently for 30 minutes so they get used to not always having me there. During that time I eat my own breakfast/check email/etc. I then go play with them for the remaining time until 9 am, which is nap time (but not much longer, Nathan isn't very tired for this nap anymore!). One at a time, I have them walk all the way through the house, to the stairs, climb the stairs and walk down the hall to their room. They know the whole way!
They sleep for an hour and that's when I shower and get ready for the day.
From 10-11:30 we either go back to play in the play room or we'll go on an errand of some kind. Most mornings I'm dying to get out, because truth be told it gets pretty boring being in the playroom all the time. But lately I've been so sick in the morning that we usually play at home instead. Sometimes we'll go for a walk during this time around the neighborhood.
At 11:30-12 is lunch time. They eat just about anything - pasta, toast with jelly, fruits and veggies, etc.
12-12:30 they have more playtime and then they sleep from 12:30-2:30.
2:30-6:30 is the big open window to fill each day. We almost always leave the house during this time. We might go to the park, go on errands, go shopping, go see a friend, do something with daddy if he can take a break from work that day (he works at home).
5:30 is dinner time, then we head upstairs for bath time. I bathe each of them independently while the other waits in the crib. Bryan joins me at 6 and we get them in their PJs and play a little in their rooms. We then turn the lights down by 6:30 and that is their cue it's bed time. Nathan goes from being all wound up to having his head down on your shoulder in one second. It's so cute. We pray outloud on their behalf and then I sing a couple of songs. We put them down and give Nathan "tortue" (his favorite animal, a turtle). He gets a huge smile EVERY time. Kenna doesn't care about stuffed animals at all! We leave the room and close the door. Most nights they don't even make a peep.
Throughout the week this only changes slightly. On Mondays we have a nanny so they are with her (here) all day, but she follows the same schedule, etc. Tuesdays I have them all day. On Wednesday I work in the afternoon and Bryan's mom comes to watch them. (I have them in the morning.) Thursdays I have them all day. Bryan's weekend is Friday and Saturday, and we agreed long ago that we would switch off Fridays having "personal days". Personal days are the key to my sanity. Every other Friday Bryan has the kids all day and those are my "personal days" to just relax or do whatever I want. Every other Friday I have the kids all day so Bryan has a day to just relax. It's a great system. :) Saturday is family day and we do everything together all day. Sunday morning we are at church (kids in the nursery) and then Sunday afternoon is back to normal with me and the kids.
So that is what things look like around here right now!
****
I thought it would be interesting to document a little about what our daily lives are like right now. I was thinking the other day I'm going to end up with all kinds of documentation about milestones, etc., but nothing about the day to day. So here's what it looks like for us at the moment.
N & K wake up between 6 and 6:30 most mornings, but I don't go get them until 7. I can usually hear them chatting with each other for a while. This morning I actually heard Nathan say "Uh oh" and it made me laugh out loud in bed wondering what on earth prompted that (he only says it periodically). Right now, with the morning sickness, I usually get up to throw up (lovely!) about 6 because I just can't stay in bed any longer while sick. Then I trudge downstairs to determine what I can eat that I think will stay down that morning. I work on stabilizing until about 7 and then go back up to get them.
When I open the door, Nathan is usually jumping up and down in his crib in excitement. Kenna is waving. And generally there is a profound smell of poo in the air that makes me question how stable my stomach is at that point! I change each of them into clothes for the day, and brush their teeth and hair. I then put one in the crib to wait while I take the other downstairs. I open the door and whoever isn't in the crib knows to walk down the hall to the stairs. I give him/her a "ride" down the stairs then put him/her in the pack n play in the living room to wait for the other. (Repeat process for other one now.) The other then goes in the second pack n play and I'm now free to make breakfast. It's usually 7:30 at this point.
For breakfast we vary between oatmeal, fruit, yogurt, toast and eggs. They generally like all breakfast foods, though scrambled eggs are much preferred to eggs over easy (I do cook the yoke all the way through). I often sing to them while feeding them breakfast. We start every morning with "This is the day the Lord has made", which I hope as they get older becomes meaningful to them as a way to start every day with a grateful heart!
At any meal, breakfast or otherwise, we have several rules:
1. No dropping ANYTHING from the high chair. No food or bottles. If one drops something when it was clearly intentional, they are scolded for it and I turn the high chair around so they can't eat for 2 minutes. (I don't do this if it's an accident.)
2. No spitting EVER. If someone spits food, I promptly put the food back in their mouths and hand them milk. I want to teach them that if they don't like something, they can say "all done" with their hands but they may NEVER EVER spit. And if you don't like something once it is in your mouth, wash it down with a drink! This has really worked well as they rarely spit anymore. Kenna just asks for milk a lot. :)
3. No playing with food. Kenna does this when she doesn't want to eat something sometimes. I just put it on a fork and feed it to her and then she gets going again.
4. If it's possible to eat it with their hands, they self feed. If it is fork food, I put the food on the fork and hand the fork to them, which they put in their mouths.
5. NO whining/complaining. They are free to feel how they want but not free to act how they want! If they are mad or upset, I turn the high chair around immediately and let them know it's OK to feel that way, but it's not OK to make their mommy and brother/sister upset at the same time so they need to fuss on their own. When they stop crying, I turn the chair back. This works GREAT!
6. When they are done eating/drinking, they are asked to hand me their plate and cup. I then present them with a wipe and ask them to wash their hands (they place their hands on it and rub). I clean them up the rest of the way. When they are all clean I tell them it's time to clean up breakfast. They sit in their chairs and watch while I clean up the counter. I describe everything I'm doing and they watch intently (the plate is dirty so we need to wash it...I'm washing the plate with water...look, the plate is all clean! Now the spoon is dirty, let's wash it too...etc.) I'm not cleaning the whole kitchen or anything, just the basics of what we used so they understand eating comes with responsibilities! They are great about watching patiently (and one never gets to be done eating before the other). If anyone does fuss during this process, they are last to go play.
After breakfast I ask, "who wants to go play?" And they both say "pl! pl!" :) I take them from there down to our playroom, which has a gate across it so they are contained. At that point I usually leave them to play independently for 30 minutes so they get used to not always having me there. During that time I eat my own breakfast/check email/etc. I then go play with them for the remaining time until 9 am, which is nap time (but not much longer, Nathan isn't very tired for this nap anymore!). One at a time, I have them walk all the way through the house, to the stairs, climb the stairs and walk down the hall to their room. They know the whole way!
They sleep for an hour and that's when I shower and get ready for the day.
From 10-11:30 we either go back to play in the play room or we'll go on an errand of some kind. Most mornings I'm dying to get out, because truth be told it gets pretty boring being in the playroom all the time. But lately I've been so sick in the morning that we usually play at home instead. Sometimes we'll go for a walk during this time around the neighborhood.
At 11:30-12 is lunch time. They eat just about anything - pasta, toast with jelly, fruits and veggies, etc.
12-12:30 they have more playtime and then they sleep from 12:30-2:30.
2:30-6:30 is the big open window to fill each day. We almost always leave the house during this time. We might go to the park, go on errands, go shopping, go see a friend, do something with daddy if he can take a break from work that day (he works at home).
5:30 is dinner time, then we head upstairs for bath time. I bathe each of them independently while the other waits in the crib. Bryan joins me at 6 and we get them in their PJs and play a little in their rooms. We then turn the lights down by 6:30 and that is their cue it's bed time. Nathan goes from being all wound up to having his head down on your shoulder in one second. It's so cute. We pray outloud on their behalf and then I sing a couple of songs. We put them down and give Nathan "tortue" (his favorite animal, a turtle). He gets a huge smile EVERY time. Kenna doesn't care about stuffed animals at all! We leave the room and close the door. Most nights they don't even make a peep.
Throughout the week this only changes slightly. On Mondays we have a nanny so they are with her (here) all day, but she follows the same schedule, etc. Tuesdays I have them all day. On Wednesday I work in the afternoon and Bryan's mom comes to watch them. (I have them in the morning.) Thursdays I have them all day. Bryan's weekend is Friday and Saturday, and we agreed long ago that we would switch off Fridays having "personal days". Personal days are the key to my sanity. Every other Friday Bryan has the kids all day and those are my "personal days" to just relax or do whatever I want. Every other Friday I have the kids all day so Bryan has a day to just relax. It's a great system. :) Saturday is family day and we do everything together all day. Sunday morning we are at church (kids in the nursery) and then Sunday afternoon is back to normal with me and the kids.
So that is what things look like around here right now!
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