Crain Family Blog

A pretty bow and tie

2011-02-27T20:01:00.000-08:00

After months of not blogging, I doubt anyone comes here anymore. But, in case anyone still checks in, or gets updates automatically through an RSS feed or something, I thought I should at least put in a final entry - sort of a pretty bow and tie to our whole story and many blog posts! I hated to have a negative breast feeding post be the last one.

I stopped breastfeeding at 12 weeks. Ironically, the last couple of weeks of it I was working hard to try to increase my supply because I had decided I wanted to give it a better try. I took lots of herbs, pumped more often, and did everything I read...but nothing helped. I had been sick with various colds for weeks and it really just killed my supply. I finally had to let go of it all, but the day I quit was extremely hard. I cried the whole day, feeling I had let my baby down completely. I realize in retrospect that I just could never have managed to breastfeed all the time with two other kids to take care of. I'm not sure how anyone does that, but it would have all been too much for me. That said, I'm proud that I did it for three months - it was MUCH longer than I would have ever thought.

Alexa is an absolute joy. She is the kindest, sweetest imaginable soul. She almost never cries and smiles all the time. She was sleeping 12 hours at night by 9 weeks. Every day, every time I look at her, she melts me. I can't pick her up without kissing her HUGE cheeks, and she is so ticklish that it usually makes her laugh. She delights everyone she sees! When Bryan's parents have the twins, I take Alexa to the store with me. People are enamored by her wherever we go because they always see her smiling at them as they pass by and then back up to talk to her. She is a very, very kind little baby who seems to just love everyone.

Here is a little video I took of her many smiles. (Ignore my annoying baby talk voice! lol)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNHhbz-F7bo

She really put on the weight after I stopped breastfeeding - she went from the 25th percentile in weight to the 80th by the next appointment! She eats 4 bottles of 10 ounces per day now, at 5.5 months. Just like Nathan at this age, she LOVES to eat. Her eyes roll into her head when she starts sucking. lol

Having Alexa has been a vastly different experience compared to the twins as babies. In retrospect I can see just how overwhelming having baby twins was. I didn't know at the time what to compare it to, but now I see! I could never focus too much on either Nathan or Kenna INDIVIDUALLY because I always had to take care of them both. The best analogy I can come up with is that with twins you are always looking "between" them and not focusing on one individually. Plus, I knew nothing about babies so everything was about me trying to figure out what to do. This time, I can actually focus on one baby and I know what I'm doing...so it's a totally different experience to just be able to enjoy these baby months in a different way.

Some updates now on the twins!

Kenna continues to be mommy's little smarty pants! As of this week, at 2 years and 2 months, she can read all upper case letters, identify 20 states on the map, count to 16, and identify all shapes and colors. Her memory is just incredible. I only started teaching them letters and states a month ago. I've been showing her how to sort of "read" the state names and she is already trying to sound things out. For example, she searches for Ohio and points out O, then hi, then O and says "O-hi-o". Same with "I - O - WA" and "U-TAH". So I just started teaching her the letter sounds this week because she now understands that letters have sounds and she can read by herself when she learns them. She is VERY independent, so anything that is something she can do "by herself" is hugely exciting for her. One of her most common phrases is "No, Kenna do it!" She is still an anxious little girl in many ways, but it's just something we'll have to keep working on. (After a thunder storm that happened one night, she would talk about the scary thunder daily for a while.) In any case, Kenna is a real sweetheart, very affectionate and full of joy.

Nathan is truly a boy's boy! He loves to run and jump up and down, up and down, up and down ... all the time! He has tons of energy and a sense of humor already. He doesn't take anything seriously - he just wants to laugh, run around, and enjoy being chased. While Kenna will be looking intently at something new to learn, Nathan will be hiding behind the curtains hoping to start a round of hide and seek. He has a certain joy about him that when he starts laughing sometimes he can't catch his breath! I do my best to encourage him to learn the things Kenna is learning, but it's a bit like strapping down a running tiger. :) Nonetheless, he is up to 10 letters, 11 states, all his colors and most of his shapes (the circle mystifies him!). Nathan reminds me not to take things too seriously. Sometimes when something has totally annoyed me he will say something that just cracks me up. He seems to know already when someone needs to smile. :)

Thinking back to when I started blogging, before our IVF cycle that resulted in Nathan and Kenna, it's hard to imagine how vastly different my life is today. I can't imagine life without all three of our kids. Each one was a miracle in his/her own way. The absolute heart wrenching pain that I had throughout all those failed IVFs is something I won't forget. I wish I could go back and save myself of that - tell my old self that it was all going to work out. Not only that it was going to work out that we had kids, but that we had the awesome opportunity to have twins, then I would have the opportunity to experience pregnancy and have Alexa too. It's an overwhelmingly wonderful end to our infertility journey. I sometimes feel guilty that it all worked out so perfectly - like something awful must be ahead because we can't get so lucky. I NEVER thought I would be the "lucky" one. But what I would say is this...

It certainly didn't all happen because of anything I did. I know it is only by the grace of God that, for some reason I will never know, we were blessed in this way. I never trusted in God that it would all work out; instead I spent my time being angry at God. I can't look back and proudly say that I put it all in God's hands. No, not at all. I did not deserve these blessings that came to us. I often wonder why God chose to be so gracious in spite of my lack of faith. I marvel that after we were given our precious Kenna and Nathan, God went even FURTHER to add Alexa to our lives when we didn't even try. It's almost like God was just smiling at it all, wanting to make sure we didn't miss the point that his grace is solely at his discretion. For that reason, Alexa's middle name is Grace. Without even thinking about it, I often find myself actually calling her Grace in special, quiet moments like bed time. I see her beautiful smile beaming up at me and can't help but see her as a direct embodiment of the lesson of grace in my life. And with that, I will leave you with pictures of all three of my amazing blessings:

My breastfeeding manifesto.

2010-10-06T11:32:00.000-07:00

I will be blunt: I really, really, really dislike it.

I have spent at least 90% of my waking time since Alexa was born thinking about one of these things:

1. Dreading the next feed.
2. Wondering if breastmilk can really be so different than formula.
3. Going back and forth on whether I can commit to this for even one more day.
4. Deciding that anyone who enjoys this must be crazy. :) (I have lots of friends who enjoy it and are not crazy...I'm just saying that I'm having trouble seeing how that is possible. lol)
5. Thinking of a million different scenarios to make this work between pumping and breastfeeding rather than just breastfeeding.
6. Being oh so bitter that the world has sufficiently produced this "breast is best" thing to the point I'm terrified to stop because the guilt will be overwhelming.

As I've googled all kinds of things about breastfeeding I have come across message board posts that amaze me. People go to ENORMOUS lengths to breastfeed. I have no issues that make me hate it - my supply seems to be fine and Alexa latches and feeds fine - and I still don't like it...so when I read about the things people do to make it work when it otherwise doesn't, I am just amazed. I have been searching for research studies that support the mania around breastfeeding and truth be told, I can't find the wealth of evidence that would match the enormous lengths people are going to to avoid formula. Yes, I believe that breastmilk is beneficial and sure it's probably better than formula. But is this something that really warrants people being miserable while trying to breastfeed for months on end? I just can't imagine.

Friends keep telling me to wait until 6 weeks to quit because it gets easier. I just hit 3 weeks and to think of doing this for another 3 weeks makes me want to roll around on the floor and pull my hair out. :) And then I think about what could change that much in 3 weeks from now that would make me feel differently. I know that babies eat more quickly and less frequently and those are two major issues for me right now. How on earth can I continue feeding a baby every 2 hours during the day for 30-40 minutes at a time when I have two older kids to take care of? It's not fair to them. I keep trying to imagine how I would feel if a feed took 10 minutes max and was only happening 4 times a day and twice at night (this is what the twins did on formula about 6 weeks). PERHAPS that would be manageable?! I just don't know. And I really don't know if I can make it to 6 weeks to find out.

Here is why I don't like breastfeeding:

--Alexa is completely dependent on me for food. I have to pump or breastfeed around the clock. I just can't stand not having the freedom to be away if needed. I feel so tied down by breastfeeding because anytime I would want to go somewhere with the twins I have to think about when her next feed is and how I can breastfeed. With formula, you pack a bottle. I know people say breastfeeding is easier because there are no bottles to clean and pack, but OMG I would clean a million bottles a day to avoid having to sit still all day long while I have a baby sucking on my breast for an ambiguous amount of time and for an ambiguous amount of milk.
--It takes way too long per session. 30-40 minutes. I know some babies speed up but not all. I know people who are still doing this at 6 months for that long! Seriously, can't even fathom that.
--It is way too often. She wants to feed every two hours and sometimes more. At night it's exciting when she goes 3 hours. :( :( :(
--The sensation of breastfeeding is something I find to be...I don't know the word...just not enjoyable. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it's definitely not relaxing or anything. I stare at the clock the whole time. It's NOT a bonding experience. I'm so excited when I pump and give her the bottle because it's so relaxing, she looks up into my eyes rather than straight at my breast, and I can just enjoy her and snuggle. When I breastfeed I feel like an animal. :( It seems gross to me.
--I have no idea how much she is getting to eat so there is no way to regulate it right now. With formula, I could pour exact amounts and regulate her eating and sleeping.
--The feeling of full breasts. I thought that was temporary but now I'm learning that you always have the sensation of milk filling up when it's time to feed again. I just find that to be bothersome. I can't even sleep on my side at night. Not to mention the fact that you leak so much you have to wear breast pads. It's uncomfortable and annoying.

I considered exclusively pumping but after a lot of research and trying to pump and feed even a couple of times in a row I realize that it's not a "time saver". It would be just as hard if not more so because you basically have to replace each breastfeeding session with a pumping session. That doesn't help when Nathan and Kenna are anxiously awaiting time with me.

So here I am. If I stop breastfeeding, tons of guilt for pulling away something that is really good for Alexa. If I keep breastfeeding, continued frustration and the impossibility of taking care of 3 kids under 2 at the same time (I have a lot of help right now because of my c section lifting restrictions but at 6 weeks I'll be back to my regular schedule with all of them again). If I exclusively pump, the only thing I gain is not having to breastfeed directly, and it would take even more time. Combined breastfeeding and pumping doesn't help much because I still have the issues of not enough time during the day to do it! Where does this leave me?

After three weeks of processing this I think I have decided on another option - pumping and formula combined. I think at this point, given all the issues above (and MOST importantly I should say I'm concerned about how much breastfeeding time takes away from Nathan and Kenna during the day), I have decided I'm OK with aiming for Alexa to have half breastmilk and half formula. That way she still gets the benefits, I won't feel guilty for pulling the plug, and I can feed bottles during the daytime hours, which is the big concern. Taking an average of 30 ounces a day that she'll be eating in the next 5 months or so, that means I want to pump 15 ounces. Right now I can pump 3 or 4 ounces every 2 or 3 hours. I'm hoping that if I pump 4 times per day I won't lose so much supply that I can't meet the 15 ounces. I can easily pump at 6:30 am (before the kids get up), 12:30 pm (when the kids go to nap), 6:30 pm (when the kids are down for the night) and 9 pm (when I go to bed). This seems to solve all the problems, as long as supply doesn't tank too much.

The question that remains is when to start this. I know if I cut back too soon it could be risky with the supply being too fragile. I know if I don't cut back soon enough I will lose more precious time with Alexa being distracted by not wanting to breastfeed. I know that I have exactly 3 more weeks of the extra help with Nathan and Kenna that allows me to continue breastfeeding so often and long and I need to get this squared away by the time that ends. Right now I just want to make it to one month (one more week) because that was my minimum goal to begin with. After that I think it will be day by day. I would love to get to 6 weeks to have the opportunity to see if it does get better, and maybe going day by day I'll get there. But no matter how much better it gets, breastfeeding just will never be something I enjoy doing. Hopefully with the plan of half formula/half breastmilk I can feel like I'm doing the best possible given our situation.

Introducing Alexa Grace!

2010-09-18T09:41:00.000-07:00

We just got home yesterday so this is my first chance to post...Alexa Grace was born on September 14 at 10:11 am via c-section. :) She weighed 6 pounds 8 ounces, was 20 inches long, and has quite a bit of very dark hair! (Nathan and Kenna both have/had very light hair!)

I'm totally and completely head over heels in love with her. :)

I haven't even pulled pictures off my camera yet so I will have to post later with the pics and birth story. In the meantime, my c-section recovery is going pretty horribly. The first couple of days actually weren't so bad and then everything got worse. I didn't expect that. I pretty much am dealing with every single thing that "may" happen after a c section with the exception of incision infection: My body is completely swollen, I have a horrible back ache that makes it unbearable to walk without heavy pain meds, my stomach feels like it will fall out unless I wear some kind of brace, it has hurt terribly to urinate ever since they took the catheter out and I have extremely painful breast engorgement.

I've been trying to breastfeed but it's overwhelmingly painful despite the fact that probably 15 nurses and lactation consultants have assured me I'm doing it right. Right now I've resorted to just pumping for a while and I'll decide later if I want to try to feed directly. I am producing a ton of milk so I definitely don't want to just throw in the towel without giving it to her. But I started dreading every feeding because of the pain so I decided it's just not worth it to put myself through that in the midst of everything.

I will post more later but right now am just not up to much. I still am glad that I chose the c section because in the chance that an induction would have led to this and recovery would have been even worse, I couldn't have survived it!

Time change...

2010-09-13T09:31:00.001-07:00

My doctor just called and she was able to get the c section moved to 9:30 tomorrow instead of 5:30. I guess no one wants a 5:30 c section because you have to wait all day and be hungry! I was a little surprised at first because at this point any change is going to throw me off but I think it's good...I won't have all that time to sit and obsess. We have to be there at 7:30. Ahhhhhhh!

My last full day pregnant

2010-09-13T06:59:00.001-07:00

...is today. It's hard to believe that after all this, the baby will be here tomorrow. I'm desperately trying to be calm and brave today. But it is 7 am and the anxiousness is already starting to set in. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Bryan and I were talking over dinner last night about how this is one of the few pretty major surgeries in the world where you are actually awake for it. That is creepy.

I've read so much that I think I pretty much know what to expect at this point. It's not that type of unknown that scares me...it's the unknown of MY reaction to it all. As I tossed and turned last night I was thinking about that; the fact that most of my fear at this point is fear of my own thoughts and behaviors tomorrow! Basicaly, WILL I PANIC DURING THE C SECTION?! (Leading to them having to knock me out and I'll miss the birth?) That should make it seem very easy to say, "well then, I'm in control! I can CHOOSE to not be anxious!" And believe me, I am trying to "make that choice" today. The fact that I'm not running around like a total crazy person is a testament to the fact that I have somehow successfully supressed natural anxiety. :)

Tomorrow the kids leave for Bryan's parents' house around 9:30 am and we don't leave for the hospital until 2. Those 4.5 hours will be the longest of my life. But at least the peak of this mountain is tomorrow and even with a difficult recovery from a c section, everything is leading downhill from there.

Sometime this week I hope to be able to post an announcement before I get home from the hospital. I look forward to being at that point. :)

Pictures - 21 Months

2010-09-12T09:08:00.001-07:00

(There is an update post below this one.)

First, here is the official "40 weeks pregnant" picture (well, technically 39 weeks and 6 days...yesterday at the beach). Is there a baby or a balloon under my shirt?

This is how N and K feel when mommy spends too long shopping at Costco.

Learning to hold hands for the first time - K, N and friend Elisabeth.

Nathan and Kenna Update - 21 Months

2010-09-12T06:19:00.000-07:00

First, look over at my ticker - today is my due date! When you get a due date when you are first pregnant, I think most people assume the baby will come BY that date. Sort of an expiration date like on a loaf of bread. :) Unfortunately I'm still baking! So postponing my c section a week in the hope of labor didn't lead to the hopeful outcome BUT it was a really good thing because 1) it gave me time to feel better about the decision and 2) it gave me time to recover a bit from my cold. I'm still sick and will still have lingering cold symptoms on Tuesday but it will not be anything like it would have been last Tuesday. So I'm very grateful for that.

In the meantime, it's time for a 21 month old update. The twins turned 21 months last week. I mentioned this in the past, but I've really noticed that babies/toddlers really seem to go through major developmental spurts every three months. I have found that again to be true at this point - the difference between 18 months and 21 months is huge, and I've seen most of that change just in the last 2 or 3 weeks.

NATHAN

Nathan has totally and suddenly come into his own verbally in the last month. It's like a language explosion for him! I realized last month that whenever I ask them a question, it's always answered by Kenna and then we move on. "Do you guys want milk now?" "Yes" (Kenna) "OK, let's have milk then." I always chalked up Nathan's lack of responses in those areas to the fact that he was just slower to talk than his sister and Kenna LOVES to talk. But then I started realizing that he has no incentive to communicate responses because Kenna does it all for "them". Not only did this mean that he rarely answered a question directed at the two of them, it also formed a bad habit in that even when something was asked of him specifically he didn't really pay attention and just stayed focused on whatever he was doing. I immediately tried something new after realizing this and started always requiring an answer from Nathan. In cases where it was a question to both of them, after Kenna answered I said, "And Nathan, (repeat question)?" At first I had to really get him to look at me so he would realize I was requiring an answer. But literally after a couple of days he started answering questions on his own, no prompting, even when Kenna did too. And more importantly, he quickly became more aware and responsive when I was talking to him. It has been like night and day. He started using tons of new words, points out things wherever we go, tells me about things we read in books, etc. I don't know how much of this is due to the fact it was "just his time" but it sure did coincide with my change in "requiring" his communication. It was probably some of both. But I have felt really bad about not realizing it sooner...I feel like it's one of my worst parenting failures. :(

So the big news for Nathan is this communication explosion. I love hearing him talk and finally hearing so much about what goes on in his head! He has started to put two words together too, at the same time as Kenna. I assumed he would follow her development curve with all this language stuff and do that later, but he has started putting words together at exactly the same time. They have this little fall book about finding a pumpkin and he asks for it by name "pumpkin book!". They LOVE this book. On each page you look for the pumpkin but it isn't there until the end. So you keep asking the question and the answer is "nooooooo..." Nathan is gleeful about saying "nooooooo" and throughout the day I can ask him silly questions with that as the answer and he replies through sweet little laughs "noooooo". I love that!

Nathan seems to really have a sense of humor developing. He says things and then just starts laughing. One "joke" he likes to make is about enchiladas. He and Kenna both LOVE enchiladas when we go out to eat. They call them "ladas". They associate them with one particular place we go often and know immediately that's what they'll have (and can hardly wait). But when we go to other places, after we get them in high chairs, Nathan will say "ladas! Rice!" and laugh heartily, knowing we aren't at that place he knows! It's so funny to see him "make a joke". He also says it at breakfast sometimes and thinks it is so funny while we are eating oatmeal. "Ladas!"

Other random things Nathan enjoys right now:
--Emptying out boxes and sitting in them
--Climbing up playground equipment in order to go down big slides
--"Sharing" the foods he doesn't like as much with Kenna (he likes to pick out broccoli pieces and hand them to Kenna, saying "share!")
--The play box of kitchen utensils (plastic toys, not real ones!) - he gets it out first things every day
--Sleeping with TWO stuffed turtles...it used to be his one favorite stuffed animal but it was getting so dirty that grammy and papa ordered a replacement one for when we needed it. After that he started needing to sleep with BOTH of them after seeing they weren't one and the same. :)
--Climbing on anything and everything
--Putting things away...if it's out of place, it MUST be put back
--Immediately saying "hug" when he falls
--His "papa" (Bryan's dad)...when the doorbell rings, he shouts, "papa!" every time. Randomly throughout the day he will start talking about papa. Sometimes while driving he says "papa". The other day was the first time he said he loved someone unprompted and he said "I love papa".

KENNA

Just like with Nathan, Kenna has had a language explosion in the last couple of weeks...beyond what has already been a really incredible vocabulary. Every day she says new things that take me by surprise and she is getting really good at putting words together. She says things like "get it", "sit down", "lie down", "Nathan sad", "mommy sick" (while I have had a cold), "daddy working", etc. I think full sentences are just around the corner!

Kenna's French is also coming along really well. She knows about 15 animals in French, several body parts, several foods and many day to day words. She seems to really enjoy saying words in both languages and appears to grasp that there are two ways to say anything. She'll point at milk and say "lait! milk!" for example. Or in word books with animals, she will go through and point at them in English then tell me each one's word in French. She asks for her French books in French (i.e., by French title)! Bryan's dad commented the other day that he doesn't hear her/them say French words and was wondering if I was still talking to them in French. It's funny - I think she realizes that I'm the one who speaks this "other" way that she is learning and only uses the words with me. I never see her using the words with Bryan or anyone else. And I've observed that she uses some Spanish words with our nanny (she comes one day a week and speaks some Spanish to them, but not 100%)...though she never says anything in Spanish to me. I actually saw one day that our nanny was fully asking some questions in Spanish to Kenna and she responded with a Spanish word! I had no idea she was learning so much Spanish! I'm so fascinated by all of this - that she doesn't mix languages and knows who speaks what. It's really cool. Nathan understands some of the basic French instructions I give and a few basic words but doesn't show any interest like Kenna. It's clear that interest level impacts learning hugely at this point (any point I suppose). For him to learn, I would need to be much more fluent so that it's part of his every day life. With Kenna, she loves to memorize and use books, so that's perfect for my level of French to help her (I have a pretty huge vocabulary and basic conversational skills, but to just seamlessly incorporate it all day long wouldn't be possible).

One big developmental change for both of them lately is that they have learned their shapes and can easily put the shapes into shape sorters (lids with the shape hole cut out). A month ago they would get so frustrated with it and scream. Now they know what the shapes are called and can identify which hole they go into on first try usually. It seemed to happen over night!

Kenna is trying to figure out numbers. Anytime there is more than one of something, it's two. If there are lots of ducks at the park, there are "two ducks!" But I can't get her to understand there is a word for when there is only one of something. Both she and Nathan will carry two of something around and say "two (whatevers)". A good technique for calming Kenna has been to tell her we are counting to ten for her to get self control and if she has not calmed down she'll go to time out. She tries to count along when we get to 6...she says, "6, 8, 10"! Bryan says she just prefers to show us that she knows even numbers already. :)

I would be remiss to not mention that Kenna has been EXTREMELY difficult in the last two weeks. Like we have never seen before. Like a poster child for the "Terrible Twos". I sort of assume that a lot of kids get like this at some point but this was SUDDEN and we can't figure out what triggered it. I'm working on different discipline techniques to see what is going to be best to manage this. It's been better for a couple of days so I'm hopeful. Before that, she had started to throw things ALL THE TIME, she was hitting at her toys and Nathan, screaming any time you said no, and all kinds of other lovely behaviors. Not a good time to push mommy to the breaking point when mommy is 39 weeks pregnant with a cold. I'm quickly seeing that she thrives off seeing that she made you angry, even when she is the one receiving punishment. I have *completely* reeled that in for the last couple of days by never looking angry and just swiftly putting her in time amount or holding her hands down. It seems to be working well (the lack of visible anger combined with very swift discipline - NO warnings - she is asked once to do whatever and if she does it again, immediate discipline). I can't believe a tiny child would be enjoying the power from seeing that she made someone very angry, but I'm starting to see that was the case here that augmented a bad snowball of behavior. So we're both working on it. :)

Despite this, she is still a very affectionate little girl and every night at bed time must give each of us and Nathan multiple kisses. She gets very upset if Nathan is already in his crib and she hasn't had enough kisses! "Kiss! Kiss!" We have been trying to teach them to say "I love you" for a while, and they are getting better at pronouncing it/repeating it. But yesterday I said "I love you" to Kenna and she turned around while climbing stairs and said (unprompted) "love you!" :)

The Final Doctor Appointment

2010-09-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

I had my final appointment this morning, at 39.5 weeks. I went in having mentally conceded that the c section was the right decision for me...UNLESS I have made cervical progress. If I suddenly was dilated/effaced/etc. and an induction now looked like it would have a reasonable chance of success, I would go for it. I had a lot of contractions and pressure last night and thought there was a possibility something had changed.

The verdict: No progress. She could feel the head and said that maybe I was a little softer, but nothing that would lead her to consider it a favorable induction at this point. She'll even check me before the c section on Tuesday just in case something dramatic has happened but she said that is really unlikely this late.

So a c section it is. 5:30 pm on Tuesday (the 14th). I have to be there at 2:30 because she thinks she can get me in a little early.

I have made some peace with it, feeling it is the best decision I can come to. I guess I will always wonder what would have happened had I tried the induction, but I can live with it.

Last night I finally broke down and took a Sudafed (I try to avoid anything while pregnant but it is on my doctor's list of "OK" if you have to). It allowed me to sleep for the first time in 3 days. I desperately needed that for my sanity and feel much more human today. Most importantly, Bryan's parents were kind enough to take Nathan and Kenna all day yesterday, overnight and today so I could recuperate. I couldn't be more grateful. They are so incredibly generous with their time. When I woke up this morning and realized I didn't have to get the kids up and find the energy to entertain them today, I just about cried. Seriously. It's gotten really tough to manage 21 month old twins while super duper pregnant. :) So today is a better day. Some clarity with the decision to just do the c section, cold is starting to improve, I had sleep finally, and I have a break from the kids. If I can just make it to Tuesday everything is going to be OK. :)

39 Weeks Pregnant...With a Cold...Very Cranky :(

2010-09-06T07:00:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am...39 weeks pregnant...no signs of labor at ALL...and I have a horrible cold. I want to go bury myself in a little hole and wake up next month.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was very sick with a cold also. I had a horrible anxiety attack because I couldn't take my standard cold medicines and couldn't breathe. I was pacing the hall all night. I immediately started feeling anxious about being "trapped" being pregnant, that a baby was going to have to come out in 9 months, etc. I'm extremely claustraphobic and not just in a physical environment way...situationally as well, as in this case. I always knew that I would probably be very scared and feel trapped if I were pregnant, though it was always more important to me to have kids so we continued to try everything. Periodically throughout the pregnancy those feelings of strong anxiety about not being able to just "get out" of the situation at any time have emerged and I have quickly worked to subdue the thoughts knowing I had a long road to go. Purely survival.

I now feel like I have no more energy to suppress this underlying anxiety. I have so much fear about giving birth, no matter the method, that it is overtaking me. With my physical strength now being down due to the cold I feel like I am just plain out of steam to mentally deal with all that is happening. It's the worst thing that could have happened to me right now. In fact, one of my prevailing thoughts when I was sick when I found out I was pregnant was, "what if I am sick when I give birth and can't breathe?" (Being claustraphobic, anything that produces the actual or perceived sensation of not being able to breathe is the end of the world.) They always say that anxiety leads you to produce the worst case thoughts and they rarely happen. Well, it has happened. I feel like someone has taken a two by four to my spirit right now and I can't get off the ground!

Thank God that I moved the c section from tomorrow so I have time to at least get some better. If it were still tomorrow I would just be hysterical. I can only hope that I make it to next Tuesday's c section with the cold being better. I tend to have long colds so I don't know, but it should at the very least be BETTER than now. ALL I can think about is that my nose will be stuffed up while lying flat on a surgery table and I will suffocate.

I continue to struggle between the planned c section on the 14th and an induction a few days later. I feel very certain I'm not going into labor on my own. The hardest thing for me is knowing that the vast majority of people would choose the induction, but in my heart of hearts I know that I would handle a c section much better and that the mental and physical stress of a long hard induction with an "unripe" cervix and 60% chance of eventual failure is something I'm just not prepared to deal with at this point. I wish I could just accept that I have some different considerations than most people and ignore the fact that many people seem to feel a c section is the end of the world. But when so many people feel differently than you do it makes you question your own judgement. I know people who thought a c section was just awful and others who thought it was just short of a breeze. Who knows where I would fall on that spectrum? There is no way to know.

It's weird. I've all but forgotten there is even a baby involved at this point. The next week or two seem like a giant mountain to climb, after which I would rather just crawl into a cave on the other side and recover from the emotional and physical toll this has all taken.

Small update

2010-08-31T06:42:00.000-07:00

I spent all day yesterday researching, asking people online, asking people here on my blog, asking personal friends, etc. to help make a decision. (Thanks so much to all of you who responded! I read everything multiple times! lol) Bryan was gone all day so I had to wait to talk to him until after all this had transpired.

I was definitely impacted by the fact that pretty much everyone everywhere said they didn't understand why the doctor would push for a c section on Tuesday when baby is probably head down now and there is no reason to believe I won't go into labor. Even though most people said they would just go for the induction period, it was the most common thought that even if I personally wanted a c section over that, I should just move the c section later to see if I go into labor naturally. This was something we never really discussed at my appointment but after much thought, I decided to call and see if it was a possibility.

I talked to my doctor's assistant and explained I was interested to know if I could delay the c section until the days after my due date, that I wanted more time to go into labor, etc. I told her I was still considering the induction instead but wanted to know if this delay was even an option in my considerations. She went and talked to the doctor and called me back...to let me know they had just moved it a week later to September 14 (40 weeks and 2 days)! I was a little stunned because I said I just wanted to know for decision making purposes, but I knew pretty much at that point that I didn't want to force it on this Tuesday so I thanked her and hung up. Of course I didn't mention it at that point, but I knew if I slept on it and wanted to cancel altogether today I could just call back.

Bryan and I talked about things last night and we agreed that moving the c section was the best thing for now. We also discussed the fact that though most people might prefer an induction, it would in all likelihood be a very bad experience for me personally. Even if I could physically do it and end up with a successful one, I would be going into it with so much fear and tension about being forced into labor (and the resulting c section that would be worse than a planned c section) that it would hurt my chances anyway. (I read a whole study on this yesterday that showed that women going into labor, especially induced labor, with a lot of fear and anxiety have an even higher failure rate - up to 75%+.) We both know me very well and know that it would just not be the right thing given my anxiety. Sure, regular labor can fail too, but I wouldn't be going into it thinking that, unlike with the induction. I know this morning that if I canceled the c section altogether yesterday and was waiting for a likely induction, I would be absolutely miserable for the next two weeks with fear (more fear than the planned c section - the way I see it, either is a c section given my likelihood of induction failure as stated by my doctor, but EVERYONE says the recovery from an unplanned c section is way worse so I would be putting myself in the worst possible situation).

Probably the best thing that came out of my conversation with Bryan last night was that I do have a regular 39 week appointment on Wednesday of next week. If I do have progress by then they can't FORCE me into a c section the following Tuesday. I would tell them that I wanted to cancel and wait for labor/or induction. I wouldn't worry about the induction if my cervix were making progress - those inductions are very favorable. The whole reason for concern is that I have had no progress to date, and I have to assume that may remain the case up until induction. SO, I really bought myself a week to see if labor happens OR any new signs of labor happen, in which case I may still cancel the c section. But I do believe that if by next Wednesday nothing has happened to my cervix, I will take the c section on September 14 rather than face an induction with a highly unfavorable outlook.

The latest in the saga

2010-08-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

Things couldn't be more unclear after the appointment today.

Ultrasound showed...baby head down. Again.

No effacement. No dilation.

Based on what I've told the doctor about feeling the baby being transverse a lot of the time, she thinks the reason for no effacement/dilation is that she is slipping back and forth between head down and transverse. For other people at this point she said she would think that the lack of progress was due to something else more temporary and that she wouldn't question going into labor, etc. In my case, based on what I've been feeling, she said that I may well not make progress at all because the baby is so inconsistent. That's why she said that if I did an induction, I would have a high likelihood of failure (ending in c section anyway). So she gave me to options.

1. Keep the c section on Tuesday.
2. Cancel and schedule an induction in my 40th week (probably September 15 or 16).

She really couldn't recommend either way. She said it is really up to me and how important it is to try for a vaginal birth. She said that I should consider what is my worst case scenario - if a c section is the worst, wait for induction. If a failed induction is worst, go for the c section.

I HAVE NO IDEA! I basically left it with her that if she didn't hear otherwise, I will be there for the c section next Tuesday. If I decide on the induction, I have to call tomorrow to schedule it and cancel the c section.

I truly have no idea what to do. I'm less freaked out than just annoyed at this point. Here are some considerations:

1. I asked her if my endometriosis could cause complications with the c section. She said it could if I have adhesions she has to cut through but she has no idea until she gets in there. It could mean the risk of damage to an organ or something is higher. But she said she wouldn't consider this a major consideration and she would think about the other preferences first.

2. What if all this time I've been thinking the baby is transverse and I've been WRONG?! If the baby truly went head down a couple of weeks ago and has been head down since then, it would be considered "normal" and I don't think she would be so worried about a failed induction. So all this concern is based on what I THINK is going on in there? I have NO confidence I know at this point! What if I'm on the road to a normal labor and have a c section instead based on my own misinformation?

3. It's very tempting to just do the c section next week because I want to be done being pregnant more than anything in the world. But I also want to make the best choice.

4. My worst case scenario is a failed induction. My best case scenario is just going into labor. But in order to schedule a c section in advance you can't just wait until after your due date, decide the baby isn't coming on its own and call for a c section the next day. If you could, that's what I would do. It's basically next Tuesday OR induction. (Assuming I don't go into labor first.)

5. I have no idea the likelihood of going into labor on my own between now and the induction. But if I choose the induction date and have to actually be induced I would be really really freaked out about it. It's not like you can just change your mind that morning and say, "nope, want a c section!"

If anyone has an opinion, please comment. Because I seriously don't know what to do. Your guess is as good as mine.

For what it's worth, I did get to see a lot of Alexa on the ultrasound. She had a cute little face and was sucking when I saw her. I got measurements on her for the first time and she is measuring about two weeks behind. They weren't concerned at all, she's just a smaller baby. She might be built very differently than Nathan and Kenna, who are both tall! Her estimated weight is 6 pounds 3 ounces.

9 days until c-section...

2010-08-29T18:32:00.001-07:00

Well, tomorrow morning is the last ultrasound to check for position. I'm not even sure why we are doing it at this point...even if she is head down at the time of the ultrasound, the doctor said we would "talk about an induction while we can catch her in that position" but it would have a 60% chance of failure due to no cervical progress to date. Well, if that is still what she tells me, I will request the scheduled c-section. So head up = c section, head down = c section. I already know she is still flipping around all day long, so the ultrasound to me is doing nothing but looking at position at that particular moment.

That said, I've been reading a lot online about dilation, etc., and it seems to me that it's not unusual at all to have no dilation/effacement/etc. with your first baby before labor. I had concluded from my doctor that this meant an induction was 1) necessary and 2) likely to fail. So there is a small doubt in the back of my mind about what she is giving me as choices. Honestly at this point I don't really want choices because it's too stressful. I've been wrapping my head around the c section once again and it will almost be a relief tomorrow if the ultrasound makes it clear she is still not in the right position because then there will not be any discussion about ambiguities with next steps. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just counting down 9 days until c section.

I've been praying, praying, praying for peace about the whole thing because I've been so stressed about the surgery. I've been feeling some better the last couple of days so I hope that continues and I can confidently arrive at 7:30 am Sept 7 without bawling hysterically, which is my natural tendency. :)

In the meantime, I seriously can't figure out how I can be pregnant another week. lol I can hardly walk at this point, have aches and pains all over, have to rest half way up our stairs, wake up every two hours all night, and of course I continue to throw up every morning. I know, woe is me. :) But really, I'm trying to look forward to the c-section so that I know I will be on the path back to normalcy very soon. I'm disappointed that the recovery will be so long, but I'm using Halloween as my mental benchmark. By Halloween it will be a couple of days off from 8 weeks and by all indications that should be a full recovery if there are no complications. I LOVE the month of October so I'm hoping that during that time period I will just be happy with fall, college football and planning costumes for Halloween! I'm already reading about good post c-section exercise plans and am feeling very motivated to get into better shape than ever. I have to say that I'm not someone who has embraced the giant pregnant belly, so I'm thrilled to get back to my normal size. I HATE exercise normally but I'm hoping that getting back to normal as fast as possible will be a better motivator than I've ever had. :)

More news tomorrow...

Another turn of events

2010-08-24T06:51:00.001-07:00

I went to the doctor for my 37 week appointment yesterday. She did my first cervical check. She couldn't feel the head, and there was no cervical "progress" (dilation/effacement). She wasn't certain but she thought the baby was transverse or breech again. I had a sneaking suspicion as of that morning. So the c section schedule remains on Sept 7. I have another ultrasound on Monday. If the baby is not head down, the c section goes forward the following week. Otherwise, we will have to talk about whether or not to induce while head down to try to catch her while in a good position. Even so, because she hasn't been head down enough to put pressure on my cervix and cause "progress" the doctor thought I would still have a 60% chance of normal labor failing and needing a csection.

So, yeah. I spent ALL day yesterday crying. No, really. ALL day.

Full term today!

2010-08-22T12:08:00.001-07:00

Today I'm exactly 37 weeks pregnant. It's very hard to believe! I'm so glad we are nearing the end though. It's been an incredible journey that we are even at this point, but I'm looking forward to getting to the new phase of a family of five and feeling back to my old self.

Last week things took an interesting turn. I had my regular doctor's appointment (which was actually with the nurse practitioner this time). When she asked about kick counts (how much I'm feeling the baby move) I admitted it has slowed down and that really, I've never felt all that much movement. That seemed to concern her, and coupled with my fears about there being a reason for the baby being breeched, I finally agreed to have her send me to the hospital for some monitoring.

They started with an ultrasound. I informed the nurse that she was breech before we started. She looked at the screen and said, "She's not breech! She is head down now!" Literally that morning at the doctor's office I could feel her transverse - head on one side and butt on the other. In the intervening 3 hours she had gone head down - I was floored. The nurse said she didn't think she would turn again at this point and since then I'm pretty sure she has stayed down. I'm absolutely floored by this as I was all geared up for a c section, but to be honest have been elated that I can try for the vaginal birth now. Not because I want that experience, just because I know recovery will likely be so much easier. Everything looked great - I had more than enough amniotic fluid, baby moved all the time, had the right heart rate, etc. I hardly felt anything while she was moving on the monitor, so that answered my questions; the nurse said I'm one of the rare people who never feel that much - probably because I have a lot of amniotic fluid and an anterior placenta combined.

I was also having contractions every 10 minutes with a lot of intermediate "irritability" (small contractions). She said that would cause me to not feel as much movement too, because I have so many small contractions all the time.

On Friday I had a TON of contractions - almost constant. I thought maybe that was going to be it. But they eventually subsided and I've not had too many since. I must admit that it's a bit more exciting now wondering when labor will happen rather than waiting for the c section. Before I was SCARED of labor starting before the scheduled c section but now I can look forward to it. Interestingly I don't feel the fear I did at one time about going into labor. I think I can handle it much better than the c section at this point. My how my perspective has changed! lol

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I'll post an update after that.

Something random that makes me laugh

2010-08-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

This happens every time...

Me: "Kenna, what is your name?"
Kenna: "Kenna!"

Me: "Nathan, what is your name?"
Nathan: "Name!"

:)

20 Months!

2010-08-08T17:45:00.001-07:00

Nathan and Kenna are 20 months old now! As I type this they are on their way back from an overnight (and all day) with Grammy and Papa. We are so grateful that they have grandparents who love them so much and are close enough and willing to have them for these extended periods...some baby free time is such a nice break. No matter how much you love your kids, time away is soooo freeing. :) I woke up this morning and was like, "Seriously? There aren't two little people who are depending on me to get up right now?"

Here are some updates:

NATHAN

There is absolutely nothing that Nathan loves more than running and being chased. He's such a little boy that way! He is always trying to get someone to chase after him, which makes it a little tricky sometimes when you are genuinely telling him to "come here" and he laughs and runs away - not to be spiteful in those cases, just to try to entice you to play with him! Sometimes he actually runs directly into me and throws himself against me laughing. :) I love his little laugh so much! The only problem is that my big tummy right now makes it a little less pleasant!

Nathan's other favorite thing to do at the moment is open and close doors. He MUST open and close doors everywhere he goes. If you don't let him (for example, the laundry room door must stay open for the cat litter box), he SCREAMS! Our playroom has a huge gate all the way across and I've been trying to give them a little more freedom by leaving it open (so they can learn to stay in an area without being fenced in). But Nathan will have NONE of it - if the gate is not appropriately closed he starts jumping up and down and "lightly" screaming. Kenna doesn't like it either but doesn't quite get so disturbed. I tried to force the issue by just telling him that's how it is, the door stays open, you need to learn to accept things. But after he cried forever and just stood there trying to close it indefinitely my sanity was lost and I gave in. I'll try again another time. :)

On a similar note, Nathan can't go down for a nap or go to sleep for the night if everything in the room is not appropriately placed (baby OCD? lol). I usually remember to tell them we need to clean up the stuffed animals, etc. around the room before they go to sleep. But if I forget, they both promptly run around picking up everything. The other night we said it was time for prayers and Nathan came over to sit in my lap. But he turned around, saw there was a bunny on the floor and HAD to get up and put it away. Then he came back to sit down for prayers again, noticed something in the corner, and insisted on putting it away too (even after I told him it was fine). Finally he was able to relax in my arms for prayers. :) (Bryan is just like this at night - everything around him has to be perfect for him to relax, so it's funny to see a small child doing the same thing!)

Nathan still loves his comfort objects for sleep time. That of course still includes Tortue, his stuffed turtle, but it now also includes a blanket. Each nap and night time he must get on his tummy, hold his tortue, and be covered with his blanket. (Kenna on the other hand gets very upset if ANYTHING is in her crib.)

Nathan continues to be a great eater, loving pretty much everything and always wanting more! This little guy seriously would never admit he is full. It makes it a little difficult to know what type of portions to give because he just wants to keep eating! He's only had a few hot dogs in his life but I would have to say they are his favorite. He just gobbles them down. I don't normally give them hot dogs due to nitrites and ridiculous sodium levels but we've found some that are nitrite free so now he can have them once in a while. Kenna absolutely DESPISES hot dogs though - she literally tries to throw them up!

Nathan is such an independent litle boy. He can play by himself for a very long time - not at the same activity for a long time, but without adult or other child interaction. Even when I'm in the playroom with them, he's content to just move around doing his own thing. Kenna couldn't be more different - she wants a LOT of attention. Sometimes it is hard to believe they are siblings!

Nathan is quite good at sharing, more so than Kenna at this point. If she really wants something he has and she's whining, he usually gives it to her. Other times he says "share, share" and takes her something he's decided she should have. It's very sweet! He gets very peeved though if he is offering something she won't take - and starts getting louder: "SHARE! SHARE!" Both of them will tell the other to share when they want something the other has. So this concept is starting to settle in.

Lastly, Nathan rode his first horse at the fair the other day! It was my "day off" so daddy took them to the fair with some friends. When he got home, he showed me a picture of Nathan proudly riding a horse! I was a little sad this transpired when I wasn't there but I was enjoying my day off so I got over it. lol Kenna emphatically said she did NOT want to ride one. :)

KENNA

Kenna is trying very hard to put together sentences now. She says a whole bunch of stuff that isn't understandable and then one word at the end that you catch. It sounds like this, "ahned shobi pods apple". lol I'm pretty sure she is saying "I need ..." and uses that to construct all kinds of sentences because a lot of times it makes sense in that context. But it's hard to say. I'm trying to encourage her by repeating back what a full sentence sounds like rather than just individual words as it's been up to now. I'm also trying to ask her more questions (what is the baby sleeping on?) rather than just labeling questions (what's this? - pointing to a bed) so she can go to the next step.

Kenna counts to three with me - if I say "one...what comes after one?" she will fill in two and then three. She looks very proud of herself! I think she is starting to get the concept of counting now because she will pick up two of something and say "two (whatevers)" - but then again, if I show her a picture of three or four things she still answers two. :) She also labels things as plural a lot suddenly. Shoe is now shoes, pillow is pillows, etc. So she's definitely trying to figure these things out!

One of the most precious things she does right now is want to pray. I never have to worry about forgetting prayer before a meal because she will remind me. As soon as she is in her high chair she says VERY seriously, "Prayers. Prayers. God." It's SO cute, it's unbearable...she puts her hands together and squints her eyes very tightly. She then starts the prayer, "Dear God" and I do the rest. After we say "in Jesus's name..." both she and Nathan loudly say "AMEN!" The other day she started saying in the car while we were driving, "God. Dear God." We've never prayed with them outside of bed time and meal time so I was a little surprised but then I said, "Sure, we can talk to God any time! Do you want to talk to God?" I looked in the rear view and she had huge eyes and nodded SO seriously, "Yes. Yes." So we said a prayer in the car. It brings tears to my eyes sometimes, it's so sweet!

Kenna has some concept that Alexa is a baby, that she is in my tummy, and that she is a girl. Any time she sees something in the house for a baby that is pink she says, "lexa". She points at my stomach and says baby, and points at Alexa's car seat (already in our car!) and says "lexa". I have no idea who she thinks Alexa actually is, but it's cute to see that she seems to think of her as a real person!

Kenna seems to love looking cute already. In the last month especially she insists on having a barette in her hair in the morning. I will ask her to look at me when I put it in and then I tell her, "oh, that's so cute!" and she smiles hugely and runs off. She pulled a hat out of the drawer this week and put it on, and after I told her how cute it was, she wore it for a long time after...even a month ago she wouldn't keep a hat on for 5 minutes!

Kenna loves to hug various stuffed animals, especially small ones, in the playroom. For some reason lately she has been hugging them with her eyes closed! She has a little elephant in a purse and she takes it out and gives it to me to kiss then puts it back in the purse and says "night night" (at all times of day). At night she insists on hugging her stuffed turtle but absolutely refuses to sleep with anything in the crib. If she is lying down and you give her something she says "done! done!" and is very distressed until you take it from her. So no blankets, no animals, no anything! When she is upset about something she also says "hug, hug" until I give her a hug. Nathan picked up on that and now any time there is a SLIGHT distress over something, they will both cry "HUG! HUG!" and come to me.

She is also very affectionate with her kisses at night. She kisses me over and over on each cheek and thinks it is so funny that she can't catch me on the lips. (I just think it's gross to kiss kids on the lips!) I think she sees Bryan kiss me on the lips and thinks she should do that too. :)

C-Section Scheduled

2010-08-05T08:31:00.001-07:00

I had my 34 week appointment yesterday and told the doctor I was sure the baby wasn't head down and I thought she was transverse. She normally doesn't check until 37 weeks but she said if the baby really wasn't head down right now that does mean there is a high likelihood she won't turn (but always possible). So she felt around to see and couldn't tell. She then took me in for a quick ultrasound and found that Alexa is completely breech. And just like that we left the room and scheduled a c-section at 39 weeks.

Alexa is scheduled to arrive on September 7 (9:30 surgery time).

If I go into labor before then they will check position and if she is still breech then I'll have an unscheduled c-section at that time. Otherwise they will check the morning of the c-section and if she has gone head down then I will be sent away waiting for labor. Otherwise I show up, confirm breech, and have a c-section.

I'm OK with the c-section. I like having a date and I doubt seriously that I will go into labor earlier than that. So far my pregnancy has been just like my mom's and she had to be induced after her due date (not that that's 100% accurate of course). I know it would be better if I didn't have to have a c-section (it's still major surgery) but there's nothing I can do about it and I never felt strongly about needing to experience a vaginal birth as I know some people do. Honestly I worry way more about Bryan because he is freaking out about how he will manage helping me with the kids so much for a couple of weeks after going back to work. (He's taking 2 weeks off but recovery is 4-6 weeeks.) This is one time in my life where I haven't even attempted to plan how exactly this will work because there are too many variables. Who knows how I'll feel, how quickly I'll heal, etc.? Who knows what it will be like to have a newborn plus toddler twins? We're just going to have to survive those first few weeks.

But I have another point of total stress now. After researching causes of breech babies I've learned that 6-7 percent (!!!!) of breech babies have a major birth defect reason for being breech, compared to 1-2 percent of head down babies. That's 3 to 6 times the risk?! I'm terrified something is wrong with her now. I have been searching the internet incessantly for more information on this since yesterday. Last night I dreamed that she was born and the doctor was telling me they "just needed to fix her spine a little, drain the water from her head and fix her muscle tone" (all issues I saw can come up with breech babies in higher proportion). :( It was horrible. I woke up and wanted to burst into tears.

I can't wait for this to be over. Have I mentioned that? :)

The Countdown Begins

2010-08-01T08:02:00.001-07:00

I'm 34 weeks today! Theoretically that means I have just 6 weeks left (maybe less??). Wow. I can't even believe that. I still have to pack the hospital bag and find the bassinet part to our pack n play (so Alexa can sleep in our room for a couple of weeks) but other than that we are READY. And I mean I am READY...I am officially ready to be done being pregnant!

For a while I felt guilty for wanting to not be pregnant anymore because I didn't feel I had really "embraced" this unique time. But I feel now that I've fully experienced it. This is really random, but one thing I felt bad about the whole pregnancy was that I didn't commit to weekly or even monthly belly shots! I've taken a few pictures throughout the pregnancy so I did have some, but I really regretted that I could never go back and capture something that in all likelihood will never happen again. I'm ridiculously sentimental so it was something that really bothered me. Well, we decided last minute to do "professional" maternity pictures at JC Penney yesterday and I now feel 100% better. :) They came out so great, I am thrilled with them! I feel like I now have some cute pictures while "fully" pregnant so the absence of the earlier ones is OK. Now I have no more pregnancy regrets, and the discomforts of the third trimester have led me to feel 100% OK with this now being over!

I think Alexa went head down for just a couple of days because I felt hiccups very low. But as of yesterday I definitely felt the hiccups back high again...so it looks like we are back to transverse. The doctor said that around 34/35 weeks is when they start to worry if the baby isn't persistently head down, so this is not a good sign. Despite the fact that I initially really wanted a c-section, I don't feel that way now. It wouldn't be the end of the world but I really want to try the old fashioned way (well, in terms of exit method, not in terms of no medication! GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL ASAP!!). Last night I dreamed they were coming to take me for a c section and I was begging to wait for her to go head down. lol

My hormones have been in full swing. When we went for the maternity tour I totally freaked out. I HATE hospitals. I associate it with seeing my dear grandmother the last time. Some mixture of that emotion plus the realization that I was going to have to go through child birth there made me burst into tears within 5 minutes of the tour starting. Fortunately we were in the back of the group so I my outpouring didn't gather too much notice. Sigh.

Despite 8 months of preparation so far, I really can't even picture having a baby in the house. It doesn't sound real - I feel like that stage was already so long ago and we have made so much "progress" since then! And I really can't imagine that there is a baby inside me who is already so big that if she were born today she would likely be fine. I feel big, but not THAT big!

All in all, it will be such a relief for pregnancy to be over. I CAN NOT WAIT to get on with life, not having to obsess about birth, not having trouble breathing, not having trouble sleeping every night, not being so tired, not being able to eat/drink whatever I want, and getting to get my body back to where it was! I know it's only for a little more, but six weeks does sound like an eternity at this point. :)

Discipline and Punishment

2010-07-18T08:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to the county fair in the morning. There is something about the fair and seeing all the animals that I just LOVE! I don't like the creepy rides but I love the agricultural aspects. We went first thing in the morning and got a great parking space so I didn't have to walk far, then got in line to go in because it hadn't opened yet.

While waiting, we gave Nathan and Kenna a bottle of water to share. Neither of them really likes water but I'm trying to get them used to it. Still, they really like holding on to something, and normally I don't give them anything while waiting. We had two bottles of water, actually, but whenever we have a chance to teach them to share something we do that. Here was an opportunity.

For whatever reason, they were grumpy and didn't want to share (it has been going SO well in other ways!). So, we took it away after a few minutes. Kenna proceeded to throw a tantrum in the stroller, crying and screaming. And yes, everyone started looking at us.

This seemed like such a pivotal moment, as it moved in slow motion...what...should...we...do? On the one hand, I HATE to be embarrassed. I NEVER want to be *that* parent with screaming children. On the other hand, if I give in to it and give them what they are fighting over (with each getting a bottle), they quickly will learn that they simply throw a fit and then get what they want. Or, there is the horrible middle ground that so many people give in to - just distract them somehow so they forget what they wanted and stop crying and that way you didn't actually give them what they were crying over. For me personally, that's a "technique" I refuse to use. I don't believe distracting our kids is any kind of discipline. It may be easier for us but it doesn't do anything to teach them.

For 10 minutes we were waiting in the line and Kenna did not settle down the whole time. It was one of the worst tantrums I had ever seen from her - usually she calms down soon after we have a "talk" with her, but this time she refused. Embarrassed or not, we held our ground and didn't give her anything or distract her. After a while I told her that if she continued she would get a spanking inside. I've gone back and forth more times than I can count on whether I ever want to use spanking, because it's really punishment and not discipline, and discipline is what I believe *should* be important. It's a very fine line. But in cases like this, punishment is really the only thing that I felt fit the situation because 1) she had multiple warnings 2) there is no way to do a time out at this age because we need a containment area (otherwise they won't just sit there yet) and 3) there is no logical consequence like taking a toy away (I can't explain to a 19 month old that she will lose a toy when she gets home, and leaving the fair altogether was probably what would have calmed her down at that point; there was no point to me in all of us having to leave because of her bad attitude, which really leaves punishment). Bryan is more opposed to spanking than I am, though I have been mostly opposed all this time as well. Even he looked at me and said she needs a spanking. It was a weird moment where we both knew what fit the situation despite prior discussions where we agreed we weren't going to be a "spanking family".

So the gate finally opened and in we went. We immediately pulled over next to the barn and Kenna was taken out of the stroller, told why this was happening, told her it was going to happen 3 times, was turned over, and firmly spanked. After the spanking I explained it again and asked her to say sorry for her behavior. She said "sorry", I told her I forgave her even though she had to be punished for what she did. I asked her if she was now done with her crying/tantrum and she said "done" and nodded. We put her in the stroller and she didn't make a peep again over the issue.

This is really a tough issue for me. I feel like the perfect parent should be able to achieve the desired results without using pure punishment tactics. But, I guess none of us our perfect parents no matter how much we want to be. I've evaluated this in my head several times since then and I can't come to any better solution for that situation. Plus she responded exactly how I would have hoped so it re-enforced that it was the right thing to do.

I know that a lot of people would conclude that it's not worth spanking for something like that and we should have just walked her around until she cooled down (a form of distraction). But that's what she would have wanted. I feel strongly that I never want to give them what they want when they are throwing a fit so that just doesn't fit with my philosophy. Fortunately, Bryan and I are on the same page on it. It's just a tough thing to get your head around when you want to be "better" than spanking. I'm holding out hope that finding a necessity in it is temporary for this age group because you can't use delayed consequences. If they were like 3 or something I can't imagine needing it anymore because I could tell them what was going to happen at home and they would understand. Then again, there may be a whole new category of things I haven't even thought of for 3 year olds where spanking still comes into play. I'll just have to remain open I guess.

Alexa Update

2010-07-15T12:34:00.000-07:00

A little pregnancy update for those interested...

I'm almost 32 weeks pregnant - did I just say that? It sounds totally crazy to say out loud! I feel big but not huge. When I go through growth spurts I definitely feel it though, as I have trouble breathing and am more uncomfortable walking, etc. This last week I've been feeling better in general so I think I got used to the latest spurt, which had lasted about 3 weeks and made me feel miserable.

I still throw up...every...single...morning. Actually I think there have been maybe 5 mornings throughout the whole pregnancy that I didn't throw up. So I guess it's 99% of the time. :) I'm used to it but tired of it. I hate waking up and first thing feeling awful. I am totally looking forward to not having this sickness anymore - it's been 26 weeks straight! How insane?!

I can't complain though. To be honest, aside from morning sickness, I've had a pretty textbook pregnancy thus far. No complications whatsoever (knock on wood). I feel really fortunate that way. So, there isn't too much to report!

We are about 95% done with the nursery. I'll post a pic when it's complete. It's very pink with flowers and butterflies. :) I was excited to get very girly this time since before with the twins all had to be gender neutral. All we have left to do is hang letters on the wall with her name, move some stuff out of her closet to my office, and hang the valance.

We did a 4D ultrasound (picture above). We didn't get super pictures because her knee was in front of her face almost the whole time. No front pictures at all, but we did get a few cute profile shots. The one above is my favorite. It was really cool to actually see that she is a real baby though, given that we've only had 2 other ultrasounds and they were long ago! After so many IF treatments and struggles, I still find it very hard to believe that a full-on baby can be created the natural way. How on earth does a baby develop from an egg and sperm randomly floating about as opposed to a perfect lab-created embryo placed where it should go?! So weird. But there she was, a beautifully developed little girl who grew without lab help. We could see her moving quite a bit but I didn't feel much of it. Even now at 32 weeks I don't feel a lot of movement. I think the anterior placenta impacts that a lot.

Other than that, we are going on a hospital tour Monday, I have a breastfeeding class Tuesday, I need to finish the hospital bag and we are ready. Despite my general feelings of thinking breastfeeding is gross (just to be honest), I'm going to give it a shot. I know it would be great for the baby, and much cheaper (and no bottle washing!). I also like the idea of feeling like I experienced the full "natural cycle" of getting pregnant the old fashioned way and then breastfed. Even though I highly doubt it's something I'll enjoy, I figure that I shouldn't just assume that and at least try. I will definitely pump too though - there is no way I want to be the only person feeding her! Nope, Bryan needs his share of night time feedings too. :)

I have found some peace with the whole birthing process. I've spent a lot of weeks obsessing about it and being scared but the closer I get the more I'm accepting that whatever will come will come. Alexa is transverse and I have a pretty good feeling it will be a c section. But either way, I now believe that I will *probably* live through it. A few weeks ago I would have told you there was a 50% chance I was going to die during child birth. Now THAT is progress. :)

19 Months!

2010-07-13T12:13:00.001-07:00

Dare I say that things have gotten some easier in the last month? I don't know what it is exactly but it seems that between 18 and 19 months there has been a noticeable difference in mental maturity. I think I mentioned in my last post that Nathan just didn't respond to discipline and didn't listen to instructions (though he understands them) regularly. Well, suddenly my little man now seems to care much more about consequences and regularly DOES listen to my instructions - in fact, he's better than Kenna about it sometimes! When I ask him to come, he actually comes now! When I ask him to wait, he puts his hand on the closest thing to wait (a little trick I taught him to help him "do" something while waiting). It's made life SO much easier. For both of them, they mostly just listen now when I say not to touch something and move on to something else. This makes a gigantic difference in life because I'm not constantly fighting the battle of guarding them every second. I know that 8 times out of 10 they will just listen now. Because of that, I have been able to let them run around the kitchen and living room while I prepare their meals. In the past they have had to wait in the pack n plays in the living room because they would just get into EVERYTHING while I was cooking and I couldn't deal with it. Now they know what they should and shouldn't touch and listen when I say no, so they have the freedom to run around like older kids and we all love it. :)

So, in summary I would say that this last month has been a wonderful transition from baby/toddler to toddler. I know some people say it gets harder as they get older, but for me right now, I have to say that the ability for them to understand and communicate and listen far trumps everything else. Talk to me again in a month and we'll see if that is still true!

KENNA

Well, I won't be doing any more word lists or counts because it would be impossible at this point - Kenna talks constantly and uses many new words daily. She says what sounds like whole sentences though you can only make out the key word. I so much wonder what the rest means! She's been doing a great job with French too. She answers instructions in French and questions in French just like English. Certainly they don't have the same breadth of language yet for French as they do for English, but I'm surprised at how much they do already know from 1 hour per day that we do.

Interestingly, in the last month Kenna has lost a lot of her interest in books! It's so odd, because she was OBSESSED with books before as I said in my last post. She still likes to have them down and look at them but she doesn't want to sit and read anymore like she did - she is fine with me reading "over" them and then she pops over to point various things out. I think she is just going through a phase where she is enjoying exploring her other toys finally. She now is interested in putting shapes through sorters, stacking things, and verbally labeling objects around her rather than just in her books.

I've been spending more time playing them music and singing to them/with them. Kenna now requests songs - "Row Row" or "inkle" (Twinkle Twinkle) or "Day" (This is the day), or "esus" (Jesus Loves Me). Nathan also requests songs but always requests Row Row. :)

Kenna has a mischievous little spirit. Her crib is next to the shutters in her room and each night we close the shutters at bed time. Every morning the babies have been waking up earlier than usual for a while because the shutters are "mysteriously" open by morning time and let the light in before we want them to get up. The other night we closed the door to their room after putting them down and it looked like always, that they were ready to drift off to sleep. But Bryan opened the door quietly a minute after we closed it and Kenna was standing up in her crib with her hand on the shutters and a big huge smile. LOL Bryan told her, "Kenna, let's go to sleep. Shutters stay closed." She closed them and went back to lie down. The next morning they were awake early as usual...with the shutters back open. :)

This month Kenna also stopped calling Nathan "Dee" (as in Buddy) and calls him "Natan". Nathan still doesn't refer to Kenna by a specific name but we are working on it!

A MAJOR event happened this month! Kenna is finally able to stay at the church nursery without being hysterical! For several months we would try to leave them at the nursery but we would get paged to come back 20 minutes or so into the service. It was driving me nuts. It seemed so pointless to go to church for that amount of time but I also didn't want to give in to it. She just has had really bad separation anxiety and completely goes hysterical when we leave her with people she doesn't know (not an issue with the nanny or grandparents). We found out that there are other rooms for the same age group at the nursery so we tried a different room...and SUCCESS! The woman running that room just knew how to deal with the anxiety and miracle of all miracles happened...we returned the first time leaving them in that room with NO PAGER GOING OFF!! Both Nathan and Kenna were just playing away in the room and no tears. We have now had success three times in a row. I'm THRILLED!

Kenna loves to laugh and sometimes just bursts into what is like a "fake" laughter, I think because it makes everyone else laugh! Despite her stranger anxiety, she is definitely a show off when she is comfortable. She even shows off just for us. The other day when we were driving I suddenly heard her laughing. I turned around and she was balancing a book on her head without her hands and was fully amused by showing us!

We are doing baby swim lessons with them on Saturdays. They are just 20 minute lessons and they build on the unique instincts that kids this age still have. We're a little late to the game - it's recommended kids start lessons at 6 months - but better late than never! The first lesson went terribly, as they were both hysterical. The second lesson was awesome! The instructor was able to take them himself and despite Kenna's normal anxiety, after a few times with him for a few minutes, she was totally fine. My philosophy with them is that anxiety can never be overcome by constantly giving in to natural fears. Kids will never choose to face their fears on their own, so I believe it's a parent's responsibility to help them to do so - not to avoid the fears. So many kids are scared of dogs, for example - but every time I see a kid like that, I also see a parent telling them to get behind them or to walk further away, or whatever to get away. Kenna starting showing some fear of dogs a few months back but every time we see a dog now I make it a point that we go up to see the dog as closely as is safe and talk about the dog. She very rarely shows fear of dogs now and loves pointing them out. I know not everything will be that "successful", but I will always do my best to help them face every fear and not show them how to get away from it (UNLESS of course it is a true danger). I have tons of fears myself and I hope my kids will never be like that. I have absolutely no qualms about "pushing" them beyond their comfort zone - I firmly believe that is what is best for them.

NATHAN

Nathan has shown a much stronger interest in words over the last month! He is still not the motormouth that his sister is, but I've noticed that he pays more attention to words and repeats a lot more what he hears. For some reason, please is "pee-oo" sometimes and "pees" other times. I love his little "pee-oo" even if no one else knows what it means! He says it more than any other word because he knows that's how you get something. His vocabularly is growing and he picks up more words each day too. He actually gets a lot from Kenna I think. He rarely picks up a word that she doesn't already say. The words she says regularly however stick with him. It's good to have a twin sister who loves to talk!

Recently Nathan started asking for me a lot - he comes over and says, "mommy! mommy!" and oooohhhh how that melts my heart. Since I'm with them most of the time, it's usually "daddy" or "papa" who get called for. He woke up from a nap the other day and Bryan went to get them, and Nathan asked for "mommy"! I was very excited to be requested. :)

Nathan's favorite past time is putting things away right now! He loves taking things out of boxes and then collecting them all and putting them away. I have no trouble at all when I say "clean up time!" - both of them come running to put everything away. In the mornings in their room when I say it's time to go downstairs they know that also means they need to put away whatever they had out and they are so good about just going and organizing everything. Nathan nicely puts everything away but always puts his favorite stuffed animal, Tortue, in his crib to keep in safely there. It's just so cute!

I'm seeing quite a little temper in Nathan lately. He gets quite frustrated when he wants to do something and can't figure it out. He immediately lets out a little scream and bounces up and down. I encourage him to sit down and figure it out with a little help from mommy but if he can't calm down enough to do so, I tell him he needs to cool down. That means he needs to walk away for a minute and then he can come back to it. I'm trying to teach him how to manage his emotions a little bit. Tough to do at this age, but as with everything it's best to start early!

He also loves climbing on things. He will get onto a chair, off of a chair, onto a chair, off of a chair, for the longest time. I have a perception that he isn't too coordinated because he tends to fall down a lot. But I was so surprised at what he was able to do at Gymboree this morning! We hadn't been before because I can't take two kids by myself. They usually go with their grandparents each week but grammy and papa are on vacation this week. So, Bryan took time off work this morning and we took them together. It was SO fun to watch our little people interact with other little people! And Nathan in particular really loved the balance beam! I couldn't believe how well he was doing with it at his age! I think we may have a little gymnast now!

Nothing makes Nathan laugh more than being chased or thrown around by daddy. It's a deep belly laughter that is precious. He can hardly catch his breath sometimes, he gets so excited. :)

I'll post some pics and a pregnancy/Alexa update later. Just 8 weeks to go!

2010-06-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

They have grown a lot since I last posted pics! I never can get these to upload in a particular order, but here are a bunch. (LONG written update in post below.)

Kenna at the playground - look at all those teeth!

Nathan and Kenna at Easter

Nathan and his Easter basket

We went to Penneys to get "formal" Easter pics.

Nathan would NOT smile but it's still a cute picture.

Alexa on the way!

Bath time fun

Kenna IS daddy's girl

Nathan covered in sand at a Hawaiian beach

Nathan and Kenna in Hawaii. "We'll sit together but we WON'T smile."

18 Months!

2010-05-18T11:48:00.000-07:00

Nathan and Kenna are 18 months old today! I remember thinking that they went through a big development spurt at 14 months, and now at 18 months I see that very obvious change again (especially by the 17 month point). It's exciting to see how much they are changing into little kids! There is no question that they are toddlers now and not babies anymore.

*WARNING* Since I haven't updated in a long time, this is going to be a long one. :)

HAWAII!

We got back recently from a two week vacation to Hawaii (big island). We have taken them on several weekend trips but nothing this major, and we had never before flown with them. We had a great time, but it took me about a week to accept that "vacation" with kids this age is not really "vacation" as we are used to. :) It was fairly tiring and very limiting (in what you can do). Bryan and I are very adventurous and there are amazing outdoor adventure things to do in Hawaii - but we had to just take mental notes for the future if we go back when the kids are older. For example, we drove to a bay with a bunch of dolphins and there were kayakers all around them. It was incredible - but we were so sad to not be able to grab a kayak and get over there with them! Alas, it's temporary and we're both really excited to go again when the kids are older and can kayak WITH us. :)

Being pregnant on vacation had its own limitations. Bryan went diving with 8 foot manta rays (only two places in the world you can do this), and I stayed with the kids. In return, he was going to stay with the kids so I could snorkel with the manta rays (they aren't deep so you can see them from the surface). No dice - there is not a single boat that will take a pregnant woman. I was really annoyed! I snorkeled at all kinds of beaches there - what did they think would happen if I were on a boat?? Luckily, the snorkeling at the beaches was great - at one place, I snorkled with giant green sea turtles on each side of me, an eel below, and amazing fish all around. It was so exciting to snorkel with the huge turtles and I can't wait for Nathan and Kenna to experience that eventually!

We drove to beautiful waterfalls on the Hilo side (we were staying in Kona), went to amazing white sand beaches, took turns snorkeling, toured a coffee plantation, went to a black sand beach with big sea turtles everywhere, visited several historical sites, explored Kona and Waikoloa several times, and ate amazing island food!

It was most definitely worth it for them and for us. Even though I know they won't remember the trip itself, it's amazing how much something like this makes kids even this young grow - they learned so much being out of their normal environment! The 5+ hour plane ride was a bit taxing, but reasonable. The worst part for me was having to relate to them in a way I NEVER would otherwise - we gave them everything they wanted on the plane so they wouldn't scream and impact other people. Drop a book? No problem, we'll give you the book back. Want a snack right now (and constantly)? No problem. Want to have anything you want immediately so you don't scream bloody murder on an airplane with tons of people? You got it. I can't even tell you how it made me go crazy having to do that - my parenting philosophy is the complete opposite of that. And it's amazing how fast little people learn bad habits - after one plane ride, they were very demanding for several more days. They would cry in the car every time we went somewhere, thinking they were entitled to books and other play objects during the ride. I have never given them anything in the stroller or car seat, even when they were tiny, so they would learn to not expect anything and sit as patiently as possible given their age. They actually do a great job of that, and I credit it to never giving them things while waiting. But wow how that gets reversed fast! Fortunately, things are back to normal now that we are home. :)

KENNA UPDATES

My baby Kenna is growing up fast!! I'm going to have to brag for a minute here - she is SO smart and amazes me all the time with how much she knows already and how fast she learns (proud mommy!). A lot of that is because she LOVES books. No, no, you don't understand - she would ONLY read books ALL day if it were up to her. With everything in the playroom, she constantly points up at the books saying, "BOOK! BOOK!" She isn't as interested in the story books as she is in picture/word books. She loves to memorize the words and be "quizzed". It's so fascinating to me to see how she goes about learning because it is just like I do. She has to "perfect" each page and isn't happy if there is a word remaining she hasn't heard about. She will take my index finger and move it around to the different pictures for me to tell her what each one is. When she is learning totally new words, she takes my finger back and forth, back and forth, between a couple of words at a time in a very deliberate way to make sure she has them both memorized. Then she will have me point to other pictures and eventually comes back to hear the original ones. It's so interesting to see a tiny toddler fascinated by language and memorizing words in such a systematic way. She is just like me in that area - I have always loved languages and have an unusually good memory for words. You could ask me what transpired in a movie I saw yesterday and I would probably struggle to have much recollection of it, but if you ask me a word in another language I've only seen once and where it was on a page, chances are I can tell you right away. I think it's because I have NO creative mind at all, but an extremely analytical one that immediately sees patterns and systems. It's so obvious to see that Kenna is just like that in the way she systematically seeks to learn things. I hope to introduce her to some more creative areas as she grows to help foster a development of the other side of her brain too! I always wonder if there IS one creative bone in my body that just was never developed as a child. :) I love sitting with Kenna and "studying" with her because I feel like I understand her so well - what she is doing, why she is doing it, and how she wants to interact.

For a while now, the focus has been on understanding the words - so I would ask her "where is..." and she would point to the appropriate picture. But in the last month or two she has transitioned to saying the word when I point to it. She doesn't have perfect pronounciation or anything, but she can say an amazing number of words. She says so many words that I had to sit down and count them out of curiosity so I can put them in her baby book. I was able to count more than 110 words off the top of my head that she regularly says! I would guess that there are at least 20 more that I'm not thinking of. Here are the ones I thought of:

Trash, clean, dirty, bowl, fork, spoon, high chair, bib, towel, apple, Banana, (Avo)cado, oatmeal, (to)mato, pea, egg, broccoli, cheese, melon, berry, mango, bread, corn, rice, milk, water, bean, nose, nez (nose in French), eye, mouth, bouche (mouth in French), foot, pied (foot in French), main (hand in French), tete (head in French), knee, toe, Elmo, (Mickey) Mouse, Pooh, Eeyore, Tigger, hammer, ball, car, choo-choo (train), book, whale, (es)cargot (snail in French), monkey, bear, duck, moose, deer, fish, (gi)raffe, octopus, chev(al) (horse in French), chat (cat in French), bird, sea horse, owl, poule (chicken in French), peacock, crab, gecko, turtle, gorilla, flute, guitar, mirror, rock, tree, flower, brush, bath, airplane, “Dee” (she calls Nathan “Dee” because we call him “buddy”), light, diaper, bag, clothes, shirt, short(s), jean(s), pant(s), shoe, sock, yo-yo, tickle, silly, booboo (as in injury), pee pee, poo poo (she tells me now when she has “poo poo”), chair, walk, play, up, down, bed, help, please, go, touch, no, mama, dada, night night, amen, crayon, pillow, monte (climb in French)

When they were around 12 months I tried hard to speak to them in French some each day. But that was before they were really picking up any words and I think I got frustrated - it was impossible to tell if anything I was doing was making a difference. So I kind of put it on hold subconsciously for a bit. I realized recently that was such a mistake because the time between 12-18 months is when they start the major soaking up of words process! Recently I decided to really force myself to spend at least one hour per day with them in French. (I say "force" because it's a challenge for me - I'm conversational but not fluent so I have to really put my mind to it!) What a difference it is making so quickly! They are already responding to instructions in French and when presented with various objects can pick out the right one when asked in French. I'm just amazed how fast it happens. So, I'm super incentivized right now to stay dedicated to helping them become bilingual.

In other tidbits:

--Kenna is well aware of the difference between poo poo and pee pee now. She tells me soon after a poo poo that she has one. I'm optimistic that this means she will be an early potty trainer. :) She also yells "pee pee" when she sees me leave for the bathroom.

--She now asks if she can touch things by saying, "touch?" Almost every time I change Nathan's diaper she walks over in curiosity and points to the diaper region saying, "touch?" LOL "No Kenna, no touch!"

--Kenna loves to help me with things. She is a diaper changing assistant and immediately brings me a diaper, a green bag for the dirty diaper, and wipes when she sees Nathan is getting changed. She is great at cleaning up and always takes her dirty clothes to the laundry basket, or puts things away in boxes. She and Nathan both push their high chairs in after eating and are very proud of doing it. :)

--She loves to brush her hair. First thing every morning that she says to me is "brush! brush! pease! brush!" while pointing at the brush on the dresser! I'm like, I haven't seen you in 12 hours and that's my greeting?

--Kenna is a HUGE daddy's girl right now. If she sees daddy and then he leaves the room, there are tears. If mommy and daddy both are in the room, daddy is always the requested one (she'll actually shake her head at me and say no, so daddy will pick her up instead!).

--She took her diaper off last month when I had her in a dress that didn't have a diaper cover under it. We came in after nap time and she was standing in her crib with no diaper - and there was a diaper with poo on the floor next to her crib. That hasn't happened since. :)

--She has stopped biting Nathan. This was an issue for a while. But since I implemented regular time out discipline with them a while ago, it seems to have stopped. She gets time outs usually for defiantly standing on chairs after being told no, throwing a toy in anger, dropping toys over the baby gate, or climbing on something she isn't allowed to climb on. They get one minute of time out for regular offenses and two minutes for anything that was due to disrespect. For example, if I am talking to them about what they just did wrong, I always say, "look at me". If they refuse to look at me, that is disrespectful and they get the two minutes. When time out is over, I explain to them what they did wrong and require them to look at me again (and nod that they understand the offense). If they refuse to look at me then, another two minutes. We run a tight ship, but I can see it is worth the effort already. :)

NATHAN UPDATES

My baby Nathan is a BIG boy! He is a rough and tumble little guy if I've ever seen one. :) He sees how much Kenna loves books and tries to get into it - he'll bring me a book and sit down in my lap but after his standard two pages, he is DONE. Literally. He closes the book and says bye bye! lol It's so cute to see how he tries to get into it but just has no patience for it or interest in it. Instead, he wants to move, move, move. Nathan is constantly on the go. I sometimes struggle with figuring out how to best engage him. With Kenna, she is so much like me, that it comes naturally. But with Nathan, sometimes I'm just not sure "how" to play with him. He doesn't really "play" with anything but rather carries objects around the room and takes things in and out of boxes. I try to get him interested in specific toys but he really doesn't like to sit and play much. He just has a TON of energy. Since he won't pick up French from books like Kenna, I have been trying to make up games in French that will interest him. The other day I started playing "come" and "run" with him using those two words in French. I would say "come!" in French and he would run and jump into my arms. Then I would say "run!" in French and he would run and fly into the bean bag. He LOVED this and did it for probably 20 minutes straight.

Since Nathan doesn't "study" books like Kenna, he has a more "normal" vocabulary for his age. It's so hard to not compare them - I was really worried about his word development until I found out the normal word range for this age is 10-20 words, so HE is normal and Kenna is not. lol He understands way more than he says, like most kids, but here are his words at this point:

mama, dada, (ba)nana, apple, bowl, bear, chat, no, nose, tortue (his stuffed animal - turtle in French), bath, shirt, ball, duck, knee, bib, tree, flower, sock, shoe, please, go, up, down, night night, amen, bye bye, hi, main (hand in French), car

The difficult thing for me in having such an active little boy is that it is REALLY hard for me to take the two of them to the park where they can really get that energy out. It's very hard to chase them around and at this age there is a lot of chasing required to make sure they don't go flying down the slide the wrong way, etc. Especially being pregnant (26 weeks now!), I just can't do it on my own. Fortunately, our nanny does it when she is here (one day a week), Bryan's parents do it when they are here (one day a week) and Bryan and I do it together on weekends. Now that it's warm I can take them to our backyard too, which is easier for me to do. I bought Nathan a little soccer set and tee ball set but so far he just wants to carry the bat around the yard. We'll get there. :)

Other tidbits:

--Nathan's favorite activity right now is climbing up on furniture, sitting, then climbing down. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

--He still has a huge attachment to his stuffed turtle Tortue. If he has dropped Tortue out of the crib in the morning before I come in, there is no greeting, no "hi mommy" no nothing...it's just an anguished "TORTUE. TORTUE. TORTUE. TORTUE." Oh how he loves Tortue. It's so cute.

--Nathan gets the most time outs for running off from me after I say "come here" (repeatedly). He runs away and laughs. I know he wants to make a game of it and play chase, but it can be dangerous for him to not obey me in this area. I don't want him running into the street someday laughing! So I never chase him if I'm telling him "come here". I say everything once nicely with please. If they don't listen, I clap with a more stern voice "come here now". After that it's time out. Nathan gets an immediate two minutes for this "violation" since it's disrespectful and dangerous.

--Nathan still loves eating above all! Whenever he sees the clean up wipes come out, symbolizing the end of a meal, he immediately screams! No matter how much he has eaten, he still doesn't want to see the meal come to an end. He eats just about everything but doesn't appreciate beans of any kind. He puts them in his mouth and then refuses to swallow!

--Aside from Tortue, Nathan loves to give hugs to his other big stuffed animals - monkey and bear especially. He carries them around the playroom and periodically lies down on them to love them. It's very, very sweet. It's funny though because Kenna doesn't really like stuffed animals but is VERY affectionate with people - she LOVES Nathan and always tries to give him "pat pats" and hugs. He promptly runs away. lol Nathan mostly gives mommy and daddy hugs when he is tired and gets snuggly. Those are my favorite moments because my little energizer bunny finally settles down for cuddles.

BABY 3 UPDATES

Baby 3 officially has a name...Alexa. It's a name I've always LOVED and it's a little more unique than the other two names at the top of our list (Ava and Ella). Bryan decided he really liked it too, and voila, baby 3 became Alexa while we were in Hawaii.

Since I have an anterior placenta, it took me a long time to feel Alexa move. But the night before we left for Hawaii, on April 30, I felt several strong kicks and I knew that's what it was. Since then I have felt her pretty regularly, though still not as often as most people do. Bryan got to feel her in Hawaii, which was neat!

We are now working on the nursery - basically we've just ordered the things we need and the room has been emptied out (it was my office, but now Bryan and I are sharing an office). So it doesn't seem like much progress but we're trying. :) I keep having dreams about not being prepared for tests in school, etc., which makes it pretty obvious I'm not feeling ready for Alexa's arrival. Gotta get that nursery done!

As for me, I still throw up almost every day. I'm in for the long haul it looks like. I'm 26 weeks now and definitely feeling big. I have trouble imagining I'll get much bigger?! Oh my. I've gained about 12 pounds, which is a little less than average. I struggle with not being able to breathe as deeply (uterus pushing on lungs) and it makes me feel panicky. I have to suppress those panic feelings all the time so I don't just go crazy! I'm really trying hard to embrace the rest of pregnancy because I haven't done a great job of that to date. Most of the time I have looked forward to being on the other side of this but I realize now it will all pass me by and I'll regret not embracing it more. So, my goal for the third trimester is to really appreciate pregnancy for what it is, knowing it won't be for much longer and soon I'll be able to breathe normally again. :)

The Big Ultrasound Revealed Today...

2010-04-19T17:37:00.000-07:00

Baby #3 is a GIRL!

Even though no one of course actually knew if the baby was boy or girl, EVERYONE thought it was going to be a girl (Bryan and I, family, and friends), so no one was really surprised!

Most importantly, she looked perfect - everything measured correctly, all the right parts were there, all our genetic blood screening came back normal. She weighed 9 ounces and was moving all over the place, though I couldn't feel a thing! I still haven't felt movement, but we did see an explanation for that today (which made me feel better). The placenta is anterior, so it's basically providing padding between the baby and me feeling her (usually placentas are behind the baby). It doesn't cause any trouble, it just means it will take longer for me to feel her. It was great to see her being so active in there though! We could hardly get her to hold still! I can't explain how odd it is to be the one on the table getting the ultrasound and seeing the baby move all over with no feeling of it. It's surreal. It seemed like I was just watching a movie of someone else's uterus.

I have to say I feel soooo much better tonight about everything related to the baby. I've been worried in the back of my mind because we haven't seen an ultrasound in 3 months and really had no idea what was going on in there! I worried about development, I worried I wasn't feeling movement, I worried about the genetic screening. Everything seemed to be ambiguous still. Today helped it feel a lot more real. Knowing things look good and being able to picture a girl specifically makes all the difference in the world. I feel so relieved. I kept asking questions to the ultrasound tech about whether or not there was any sign of various problems (is the placenta in the right place? Are the heart chambers OK? Are the intestines all inside?!) and she looked at me so funny and finally said, "are you EXPECTING a problem?" I really wanted to say "YES!" It's too hard to imagine that a uterus that failed so many times to sustain a life for even a day could support a perfectly normal baby now. It just doesn't make sense. She was so nice though - very reassuring and kept telling us how perfect everything looked.

I'm down to throwing up once a day. An improvement I guess! I generally feel OK the rest of the day once I get past the morning "hump". So, things are some better than earlier on. But first thing in the morning I still get immediately sick. If you had told me at 11 or 12 weeks I would still throw up daily at 19 weeks, I would have had a nervous breakdown. lol (God has a reason for not letting us see the future!) I'm more at the point of acceptance now. It does help a lot to know it's mostly confined to morning at this point. It's taking its toll over time on my body, though - yesterday I actually threw up some blood because there is so much irritation from doing this daily. It's definitely not been easy! I admire women who make it look like a breeze!

I look pregnant now, depending on what I wear. I have to admit it freaks me out a little. I have NEVER pictured myself pregnant, before or after infertility set in, so this is just *weird*. I don't feel anything, but my stomach is getting progressively larger?! I have gained 6 pounds and have never seen that number on the scale in my life. I keep asking Bryan if I look bigger anywhere but my stomach because I'm determined to only gain stomach weight (haha, yeah, I know, good luck with that!). Pretty much every day I look at my profile in the mirror with a puzzled look on my face. I don't know if pregnancy will ever seem like a reality to me because I counted it out so long ago. It makes me realize just how deep those issues of infertility can run. I can imagine it seems bizarre to anyone who didn't go through it that at almost 20 weeks of pregnancy I still don't seem to grasp this has happened. But it truly doesn't seem "real". I am hoping it will all set in more now that we got good news and found out the gender. I can go buy a little dress to hang on the wall. :)

I owe a blog post update on Nathan and Kenna and will do that this week. But had to update about the big news today! Here are some pics!

15 Month Update

2010-03-23T19:42:00.000-07:00

We're actually at 15 and a half months already, but close enough! :)

I can't believe how much they are developing mentally lately. When babies are younger, all the changes you notice (for the most part) are related to their physical development. There are always new things with rolling, sitting, crawling, reaching, etc. Now that they are walking and have all their motor skills in full force, it sometimes seems that there aren't as many milestones. But when I stop and think about how much they are changing with their understanding of the world and talking, it's amazing! I've really seen a huge difference starting at 14 months. They suddenly became true toddlers and now at 15 months, toddlerhood looks to be in full force.

Exhibit A: They have mastered the word NO. Nathan has fun shaking his head back and forth and saying "no no no no no", but doesn't really use it yet to answer questions. Kenna, however...Oh, Kenna. She LOVES to say NO! A lot of times she will just shake her head, but more and more she will respond to something she doesn't want by waving her hand in the hair, shaking her head and saying "No!" Amazingly, I still think it's cute. :) It's so clear when she says it that it cracks me up - she has lots of other words, but they aren't clear like this. So when she suddenly has such a firm stance with "no" it makes me laugh. She says it with such certainty! I ask her questions all the time now because she knows yes also, but only with a nod and not the word. Generally speaking, if she doesn't know what you are asking, she nods. But if she does know what you are asking, you can get a very reliable answer either way. This has helped with meal time a lot because she has been so picky in the past and spit her food out. Now, I ask her with each piece, "do you want more ____ ?" and she will say yes or no. Almost always now she says yes. I think that she feels in control by being asked and has stopped fighting. (Oh no, another control freak in the house!) I told Bryan the other day that she is like a Magic 8 ball right now. You can ask her any question, and regardless of her understanding she will answer yes or no. "Kenna, will it rain today?" (Answer: big shaking of the head, waving of the hand and "no!") Nathan is still trying to coordinate the nodding motion of yes but he is trying really hard. :)

In related news, Kenna technically made her first two word sentence. She was standing at the bottom of the staircase and looked up at all the stairs. Rather than climb, she looked up at me and said, "Mama no!" Then she got a huge smile and climbed anyway. It made me laugh out loud!

Both Nathan and Kenna have had a major word explosion, in terms of their understanding. I can't even count how many words they understand, I'm constantly amazed by it. For example, they can point to their hands, arms, head, hair, ear, feet, knees, nose, eyes, tummy, and shoulders when asked. They follow a lot of instructions really well without any hand gesturing. They are like little sponges at this age! They follow several instructions in French too.

In the last month Kenna has really started talking a ton too. She went from having a couple of words a month ago to having all kinds! She has words for:

mama
dada
no
clock
play
bib
shirt
bread
cup
down
Pooh (as in Winnie the Pooh)
Bye bye
book ("boo")
bunny ("bu")
duck ("kuh")
bath ("ba")
go
Nathan (but she calls him "dee"! I have no idea why?!)
chat (cat in French)
donne (give in French)

Nathan is much less verbal, but I'm seeing him pick up interest in words lately. He says:

mama
dada
bath ("ba")
bye bye
chat
no
clock
duck
go

They both now understand what I'm asking when I say, "can you say ____ ". That's helped a lot in encouraging them to talk because now they know I'm asking them to verbally respond. You can see Kenna actually studying my lips when I ask her that question and then she tries really hard to repeat. She seems very interested in talking. Nathan doesn't seem to care much, but thinks some words are funny. If you ask them, "what sound does a bear make?" Nathan immediately lights up and says "GRRRR!" It's SO cute. And Kenna makes a tiny little "grrrr" that makes my heart melt every time. It's my favorite thing right now. I wish I could make them grrr all day because it's just adorable. :)

Two weeks ago we started going to a French class. It's not exactly a "class" at this age but more like a playroom where you play in French with the teacher. I'm so excited about it. After one session, Kenna was handing me things and saying "donne" (give). I was one proud mama! My mom is from France but I wasn't raised to speak it fluently. I have taught myself a lot over time and am intermediate level (advanced with reading) but it's so hard to learn as an adult compared to as a kid. I am thrilled to give them this opportunity to learn another language very early. Since I can speak with them at home, I can reinforce it and it's good for me too!

Aside from that, here are a few random tidbits:

--We just took away the morning nap last week. I still put them down for quiet time for half an hour because *I* need the time to shower, etc. and don't want to get up super early to do that before they wake up first thing! But it's not enough for them to fall asleep now, so it doesn't ruin their big lunch nap and that was the problem. Now they sleep 12-2:30.

--We are going to Hawaii for two weeks at the beginning of May! yes, we may be insane to attempt such a flight with two kids their age but we are really feeling the need to go somewhere. If anyone has flight tips for young kids, would love to hear!

--Nathan has his first molar - Kenna already has all four!

That's about it. They have their 15 month appointment tomorrow and I'll post a brief one with their latest "stats"...I weighed Nathan on my own and he is about 26 pounds! I have some Easter pictures we had done that I will post soon.

Difference Between Being and IM and Being Pregnant

2010-03-21T06:22:00.000-07:00

Several of you mentioned being curious about this so I wanted to do a post on my thoughts so far about pregnancy versus being and "intended mom" (I still hate that term - you are ALWAYS the mom whether pregnant or not...not just intended!). As time goes on, I'm sure there will be other differences but I can reflect so far on the first trimester (plus change...I'm 15 weeks now).

I think the number one thing that you wonder about as an IM (or wonder about missing out on) is bonding with the baby while pregnant. You wonder if you would feel differently if the baby were actually inside you. Well, I can honestly say that I felt more bonded to Nathan and Kenna by this point than I do to this baby. There is absolutely nothing - for me - about having the baby physically inside me that has made me have more feelings for him/her than I did for the twins. I truly believe now that bonding is a state of mind. There are two reasons I think that in my case I was MORE bonded to the twins at this point:

1) They were our first kids. NOTHING can match the ultimate excitement and relief of knowing that after all we went through we really were going to have the kids we wanted so badly. I mean nothing. I cried tears of happiness all the time. Whether we ever had another child or not, we had the twins, and that is what mattered. That's not to say that we weren't/aren't excited to add to our family - of course we are! It's just that there is something far more EMOTIONAL about the first child when you've been through infertility (and possibly when you haven't - but I can't speak to that). I thought about what it would be like to have them constantly...but I'm so busy with them now that I really don't think about the new baby that much! So having a baby inside you has nothing to do with how you bond with him/her in my experience.

2) We had ultrasounds all the time with N & K. This makes a huge difference too. When you see the baby all the time you bond with him/her. You think about it more. Since this is a totally "normal" pregnancy, we get like two ultrasounds the whole pregnancy. It's bizarre. I could be growing an alien and they wouldn't know. I got used to seeing N & K all the time and that was a bonding experience!

So, I have to say that bonding, in my experience, has nothing to do with physically carrying a baby. I have not thought for one second "wow, I wish I carried Nathan and Kenna so I could have bonded more before they were born".

I guess I should add that I have never had any romantic notions of pregnancy. So this may all be very different for someone who really wanted to experience the physical part of pregnancy. As I've said in the past, I honestly never felt strongly about it. Because of that, I don't think I'm handling this next difference very well.

Next difference: When you are an IM, you obviously don't experience all the physical challenges with being pregnant. If you are someone who really dreamed of being pregnant and "feeling life inside you", you probably think more about rubbing your growing belly and feeling kicks. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but for me, it has been ALL negative physically. I know a lot of people who went through IF say that they just wanted to enjoy every second of their pregnancy - the good AND the bad - because it had eluded them for so long. But I find it impossible to embrace being sick (I know, I know, call me the bad attitude bear!). I am 15 weeks pregnant and still throw up every single day. Often more than once still. I generally feel nauseated. All the time. I constantly feel hungry even when nothing sounds good and have to eat. My immune system is down due to being pregnant and I've had four colds in two months. I can't take much medicine since I'm pregnant, but what I do take makes me feel guilty and wonder if I've hurt the baby. I generally can't sleep between 1 and 4 am. I've never had sleeping problems in my life. I wake up so early in the morning because of being sick that I'm ready for bed by 8 every night. Because of that I never have time to myself (it used to be at night) and rarely get to spend time with Bryan. I feel hormones in full force and am completely short tempered with everyone around me. I generally have felt horrible every day for 3 months and, to be honest, see each week as counting down to not being sick rather than counting down to a baby. I want to feel like a real person again.

I've been fortunate in that I haven't had any problems thus far with the pregnancy itself. If that added to it, I can't even imagine. I do know that not everyone has the physical symptoms so bad and in general I'm probably worse since every book says "you will almost certainly feel great by 14 weeks!" If I weren't so miserable physically I think I would probably be "bonding" more too. I guess that's a third reason. I really don't feel much like getting excited about the baby when I'm hovering over a toilet, sink, or plastic bag. I had a couple of days where I suddenly felt well last week and I have to say that it made all the difference in the world. I very suddenly started thinking about the baby and got excited about our new addition. It was literally that much of a switch over, just being able to feel well for two days. I really envy people who just walk around being pregnant and feeling great!

So physically thus far, you really aren't missing out being an IM. :)

One of the things I wondered about when I was an IM was how it FELT to be pregnant. I always thought I was missing out on some universal mystery of pregnancy. Like every woman who had been pregnant had felt something crazy that I hadn't. Honestly, if I weren't sick, I wouldn't know I'm pregnant. You don't feel anything. Your belly grows and that is a weird thing because you really have no other way of knowing anything is inside of you. There is no mysterious feeling, no fireworks going off in your belly, no little tugs from a little hand. It feels the same as it does for you sitting right there reading this if you aren't pregnant. I know that will change with the baby getting bigger, as you feel the baby moving around. And I'll let you know how I feel at that point. :) But aside from physically feeling the baby later in pregnancy, there is no feeling physically to being pregnant before that. When people say they just love being pregnant, that isn't some mysterious state of being...it's some combination of a state of mind ("growing a life inside of me") and I'm guessing enjoying the feelings that come later of the baby moving around inside.

From all of the post so far, you can probably tell I don't feel at this point that IMs miss out on much by not physically carrying. But there are some things that have been good.

First, it is SO much easier logistically when you are pregnant "alone". Even though we were a pretty smooth sailing ship with appointments, etc., between Bryan, myself and J, was still a feat to get three people everywhere. J has two kids and she always had to arrange with her mom or husband to babysit. I always felt really guilty when we had appointments, especially since we had a lot. I never wanted to put her out more than we already were! It was always weird at appointments when the doctor would ask us to leave after a while so she could have private conversations with J. I felt like an intruder even though I understood, of course. Bryan felt weird a lot of times in the room because he didn't want J to be uncomfortable with his presence (pregnancy is a personal thing!). At the birth there were all kinds of complicated logistics due to the situation. Being pregnant yourself is just much less complicated logistically.

Second, it is much less mentally stressful, as far as being concerned about someone else. The number one hardest thing for me about being an IM was constantly being worried about what J was thinking and feeling. I felt guilty all the time that someone was doing this for me. I obsessed about whether she felt appreciated, whether she regretted what she was doing, whether I said something wrong, etc. It was hard not being able to just casually enjoy everything because I wanted desperately to be sure it was a good experience for J. I felt horrible when she was down in any way, on bedrest, with morning sickness (and I didn't even know the extent at the time), etc. I feel stressed even typing this right now...in retrospect I realize I was stressed constantly even though she is the most laid back person imaginable! She made it all seem like a breeze, even though of course it wasn't! So, I would say it has been much less stressful in one way than when I was an IM. You know you can never adequately thank your surro for the massive sacrifice she made, and I think most of us feel the same in that it sometimes feels like a giant debt you can never repay. It's very hard to accept a gift you can't return in any comparable way - even though you know your surro doesn't see it that way.

Lastly, and this is the big one for me, I have to admit this has been healing for me in some ways. Even though I never cared about being physically pregnant, I have always been bothered by not knowing what was wrong with me. I hated the mystery. I have spent way too much time observing random pregnant women I see at the store, etc., and wondering how on earth I have such a mysterious issue that doctors can't figure out why my body can't do the most basic of functions. It's funny because I STILL don't know why all the IVFs didn't work, but I now feel like the mystery is gone. I know I CAN get pregnant - naturally even! I don't really have to wonder anymore now about what the heck is wrong with me. I'll never know about the IVFs but I know that it's just really hard for me to get pregnant (most likely due to endometriosis), not impossible. I no longer feel so bizarre. "Really, really difficult to get pregnant but possible" is a good enough answer for me. What was so crazy before in my mind is that it just wasn't possible at all. I always understood why endometriosis makes it much harder but it should never have made it impossible. Now I know it isn't.

I also am really enjoying feeling "normal" for the first time in this area of life. I've always embraced our surrogacy story and love to share it. In fact, I tell people all the time even when it's not necessary at all given the conversation. But no matter how much I embraced it, part of me still wanted to be "normal". At times I just wanted to blend in with other pregnant women and couldn't - like at the hospital tour, or baby care classes, or doing a registry, etc. (I did our registry online because I felt too weird going in the store without a belly!). I like my mundane OB appointments where we talk about all the standard stuff and not infertility. They don't care about my past at all. I'm just like everyone else there. I actually enjoy sitting in the waiting room, one pregnant woman amongst many. I like telling people I'm pregnant when it comes up in casual conversation with strangers (like at the store or something when people come to talk to N & K). It's fun to say something so casually ("yes, and I'm pregnant with their little sibling...") that only I know is SO crazy!

I have to clarify that there is absolutely nothing abnormal about surrogacy that anyone SHOULD feel isolated for - it's just that *I personally* felt abnormal, so being pregnant is healing for me on this issue that *I* had. I know a lot of other IMs probably feel/felt that way too, but I just didn't want anyone reading to think I was suggesting that surrogacy is something you SHOULD feel abnormal about, KWIM? That was just my own issue.

As my belly grows I find myself looking at my profile in the mirror every morning in awe - and confusion! It's all really hard to grasp. Even though I don't love being pregnant, I'm seeing more and more that it is healing some emotional scars that run deep from the whole IF experience. And most of all it means that we are having the opportunity to add to our family, which I never thought was going to be possible. At the end of the day, though, whether you are an IM or you are pregnant yourself, what really matters is that you are going to be a mom and the pregnancy is a blip on the map of the hopefully many years you'll have with your little one.

Parenting styles

2010-03-08T09:02:00.000-08:00

One thing that has been so interesting to me as a parent is to see the wide variety in parenting styles that people take on...while at the same time, everyone has similar objectives - happy, healthy kids (to simplify). Yet, even looking around at all my friends, we all have such different views on how to get to our objective. I think it's fascinating, really.

I've come to believe that the middle 50% of all kids will all turn out about the same regardless of parenting style. I think whether those kids grow up in my house or another house (that at least has the same values, but maybe totally different parenting approaches), they will become pretty much the same people. But I do believe that there is a 25% on each side of the spectrum that are greatly influenced by parenting style. Since none of us really know where our kids fall, we all develop strong preferences for parenting styles assuming they make a profound difference in our particular cases. I know I have very strong preferences myself!

One of the biggest areas I feel passionately about, and I am growing to feel more so about, is the level of protectionism a parent has around their kids. I think this single area impacts a huge array of decisions around raising kids, so it's sort of an umbrella issue. It's especially of concern and interest to me because I'm a Christian and many Christians feel it is their duty to protect their kids from the world. I feel very different. I want to prepare and not protect. (I read the most wonderful book about this recently, The Danger of Raising Nice Kids, and if you are interested in the topic from a Christian perspective, I highly recommend it!!)

If I had to summarize my goal in this particular area, I would say it is to develop independent, confident children, who understand and experience the world around them while knowing how to be decision makers with a Christian world-view.

For me, this means:

--Ensuring a focus on helping my kids learn how to make appropriate decisions and think about consequences from both a secular and Christian perspective. I want to make sure I never become the center of my kids' universe, because that lends itself to them looking to me for everything and takes away the opportunity for them to grow up confident in their own abilities.

--I won't be a "hover mother"! I was at a class this weekend and the topic came up of "hover mothers" who are everywhere their kids are. The term made me laugh. I will allow my kids to always have a life outside of our family, even when that's hard to accept and often scary. I want to live with more "love than fear", as our pastor often says about all kinds of things in life.

--I will start them in preschool as soon as they are old enough so they can start gaining some of those independence skills. I feel that preschool is an important first milestone and can't wait to see them experience those first key steps of independence with little backpacks on their backs!

--In all likelihood, we will send them to public school after that. A friend and I were talking about Christian private school vs. public school over lunch recently and it made me think a lot. At a gut level, I know that I wouldn't personally choose that for my kids, but I have had to do some soul searching to best understand WHY. And the answer to that comes down to the topic I'm writing about in this post.

I don't think anything better PREPARES kids for life "in the world" than public school. I've seen the statistic many times that something like 85% of kids who grew up in church don't go back in college. I fully believe this is because many of those kids (not all) were not adequately prepared to face a world outside their families. Certainly some were probably not really Christians before going to college and were just being forced to go to church, but I can't even count the number of Christians I met in college who just went crazy their first time away from parental control. Kids I knew who spent their lives in private Christian school were amongst the worst in that area. Of course, that is a generalization - there are plenty who stay on the right track, but they seemed to be the exceptions. Now, I also know of plenty of people who go to Christian schools all their lives and then go to a Christian college and don't face the same challenges (to the same degree, at least). But there is no way to know if your child will make that decision (to go to a Christian college)! My job as a parent is to prepare them for the most difficult circumstances they will face. I believe that growing up in public school, rather than a more protective situation, best exposes a child to the reality of the world and gives a parent the opportunity to teach them how to live as a Christian no matter the context. It makes parenting far more difficult, because you have to really work intentionally at ensuring those lessons are being learned and constantly talk to your kids. It has to be top of mind all the time. Otherwise, sending them to public school could ultimately lead them down the wrong path. But if you are willing to put all your energy into it, I do believe it best prepares kids.

The other issue I have with Christian schools is that they often put kids at a disadvantage for college entrance. Parents are in effect choosing "protective insurance" over kids' lives versus choosing the path of opening opportunities for them that will impact what they can ultimately do in life. There are some top rate ones out there, but the vast majority are not as competitive for top colleges as top public or secular private schools are. (We happen to live next to one of the best public school districts in the country but I do realize not all public schools are good.) So how do I know my kids will even want to go to a top college? I absolutely don't. Maybe they won't even want to go to college. But again, isn't it my job to enable as many possible doors for them in the case that they WANT that? If they get the best educational experience possible and don't need to use it for getting into a top college because they want to go do something totally different, no harm done. If they get a limited educational experience and DO want to pursue a top college, I have effectively limited what they can do with their lives - for me, that would be a major failure as a parent. Additionally, getting into good colleges is about far more than high test scores, which can be achieved by anyone in any educational situation. It's about showing your leadership skills, getting involved with lots of extra curricular activities, sports, etc. Christian schools are typically small, with 50 students or less per class. The extracurricular and leadership opportunities just aren't there in the same way. There is no way that someone from a small, less than competitive school, can compete with someone from a school where they were able to star in the production of the Wizard of Oz, become a treasurer in student council, join three academic clubs that competed in state-wide events, participate in the region-winning soccer team, and so on. Just doesn't happen.

I'm sure there are some huge, highly rated, competitive Christian schools in the world that are the exception to this. There are many, many kids who go through Christian schools all their lives, go to top colleges, don't fall off their faith and are everything their parents dreamed of. There are the Tim Tebows of the world who were homeschooled and became college superstars. There are all kinds of exceptions to everything. And maybe for that middle 50% of kids I mentioned at the beginning, these school choices truly end up not being a foundational difference either way. But it all goes back to the kids on the two 25% tails. If mine are in the tails, I want to make sure that I never, ever limit their opportunities to experience the world to their fullest desires by prioritizing my own fears. Developing their spiritual lives and developing their lives in the world CAN be complementary paths, it just takes intentional work and a bit more courage.

What our lives look like right now

2010-03-06T08:03:00.000-08:00

First, thanks so much for all the congrats on my last post. :) I really appreciate it! I will do my next post in response to the question about the difference between being an IM and being pregnant!

****

I thought it would be interesting to document a little about what our daily lives are like right now. I was thinking the other day I'm going to end up with all kinds of documentation about milestones, etc., but nothing about the day to day. So here's what it looks like for us at the moment.

N & K wake up between 6 and 6:30 most mornings, but I don't go get them until 7. I can usually hear them chatting with each other for a while. This morning I actually heard Nathan say "Uh oh" and it made me laugh out loud in bed wondering what on earth prompted that (he only says it periodically). Right now, with the morning sickness, I usually get up to throw up (lovely!) about 6 because I just can't stay in bed any longer while sick. Then I trudge downstairs to determine what I can eat that I think will stay down that morning. I work on stabilizing until about 7 and then go back up to get them.

When I open the door, Nathan is usually jumping up and down in his crib in excitement. Kenna is waving. And generally there is a profound smell of poo in the air that makes me question how stable my stomach is at that point! I change each of them into clothes for the day, and brush their teeth and hair. I then put one in the crib to wait while I take the other downstairs. I open the door and whoever isn't in the crib knows to walk down the hall to the stairs. I give him/her a "ride" down the stairs then put him/her in the pack n play in the living room to wait for the other. (Repeat process for other one now.) The other then goes in the second pack n play and I'm now free to make breakfast. It's usually 7:30 at this point.

For breakfast we vary between oatmeal, fruit, yogurt, toast and eggs. They generally like all breakfast foods, though scrambled eggs are much preferred to eggs over easy (I do cook the yoke all the way through). I often sing to them while feeding them breakfast. We start every morning with "This is the day the Lord has made", which I hope as they get older becomes meaningful to them as a way to start every day with a grateful heart!

At any meal, breakfast or otherwise, we have several rules:

1. No dropping ANYTHING from the high chair. No food or bottles. If one drops something when it was clearly intentional, they are scolded for it and I turn the high chair around so they can't eat for 2 minutes. (I don't do this if it's an accident.)

2. No spitting EVER. If someone spits food, I promptly put the food back in their mouths and hand them milk. I want to teach them that if they don't like something, they can say "all done" with their hands but they may NEVER EVER spit. And if you don't like something once it is in your mouth, wash it down with a drink! This has really worked well as they rarely spit anymore. Kenna just asks for milk a lot. :)

3. No playing with food. Kenna does this when she doesn't want to eat something sometimes. I just put it on a fork and feed it to her and then she gets going again.

4. If it's possible to eat it with their hands, they self feed. If it is fork food, I put the food on the fork and hand the fork to them, which they put in their mouths.

5. NO whining/complaining. They are free to feel how they want but not free to act how they want! If they are mad or upset, I turn the high chair around immediately and let them know it's OK to feel that way, but it's not OK to make their mommy and brother/sister upset at the same time so they need to fuss on their own. When they stop crying, I turn the chair back. This works GREAT!

6. When they are done eating/drinking, they are asked to hand me their plate and cup. I then present them with a wipe and ask them to wash their hands (they place their hands on it and rub). I clean them up the rest of the way. When they are all clean I tell them it's time to clean up breakfast. They sit in their chairs and watch while I clean up the counter. I describe everything I'm doing and they watch intently (the plate is dirty so we need to wash it...I'm washing the plate with water...look, the plate is all clean! Now the spoon is dirty, let's wash it too...etc.) I'm not cleaning the whole kitchen or anything, just the basics of what we used so they understand eating comes with responsibilities! They are great about watching patiently (and one never gets to be done eating before the other). If anyone does fuss during this process, they are last to go play.

After breakfast I ask, "who wants to go play?" And they both say "pl! pl!" :) I take them from there down to our playroom, which has a gate across it so they are contained. At that point I usually leave them to play independently for 30 minutes so they get used to not always having me there. During that time I eat my own breakfast/check email/etc. I then go play with them for the remaining time until 9 am, which is nap time (but not much longer, Nathan isn't very tired for this nap anymore!). One at a time, I have them walk all the way through the house, to the stairs, climb the stairs and walk down the hall to their room. They know the whole way!

They sleep for an hour and that's when I shower and get ready for the day.

From 10-11:30 we either go back to play in the play room or we'll go on an errand of some kind. Most mornings I'm dying to get out, because truth be told it gets pretty boring being in the playroom all the time. But lately I've been so sick in the morning that we usually play at home instead. Sometimes we'll go for a walk during this time around the neighborhood.

At 11:30-12 is lunch time. They eat just about anything - pasta, toast with jelly, fruits and veggies, etc.

12-12:30 they have more playtime and then they sleep from 12:30-2:30.

2:30-6:30 is the big open window to fill each day. We almost always leave the house during this time. We might go to the park, go on errands, go shopping, go see a friend, do something with daddy if he can take a break from work that day (he works at home).

5:30 is dinner time, then we head upstairs for bath time. I bathe each of them independently while the other waits in the crib. Bryan joins me at 6 and we get them in their PJs and play a little in their rooms. We then turn the lights down by 6:30 and that is their cue it's bed time. Nathan goes from being all wound up to having his head down on your shoulder in one second. It's so cute. We pray outloud on their behalf and then I sing a couple of songs. We put them down and give Nathan "tortue" (his favorite animal, a turtle). He gets a huge smile EVERY time. Kenna doesn't care about stuffed animals at all! We leave the room and close the door. Most nights they don't even make a peep.

Throughout the week this only changes slightly. On Mondays we have a nanny so they are with her (here) all day, but she follows the same schedule, etc. Tuesdays I have them all day. On Wednesday I work in the afternoon and Bryan's mom comes to watch them. (I have them in the morning.) Thursdays I have them all day. Bryan's weekend is Friday and Saturday, and we agreed long ago that we would switch off Fridays having "personal days". Personal days are the key to my sanity. Every other Friday Bryan has the kids all day and those are my "personal days" to just relax or do whatever I want. Every other Friday I have the kids all day so Bryan has a day to just relax. It's a great system. :) Saturday is family day and we do everything together all day. Sunday morning we are at church (kids in the nursery) and then Sunday afternoon is back to normal with me and the kids.

So that is what things look like around here right now!

Some big news

2010-02-28T08:39:00.000-08:00

I'll be doing a 15 month Nathan and Kenna update soon, but in the meantime I have some big news to share with those of you still reading. :) This is a post I never, ever thought I would write...

I'M PREGNANT!

No IVFs. No surrogate. No trying. It just happened naturally and is, of course, a huge surprise. And yes, it's actually me writing this, the person who never once had a positive pregnancy test over the course of 5 "perfect" IVFs.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant and due September 12. We've had two ultrasounds and everything measures/looks great.

Let me take this opportunity to apologize to the infertility world for contributing to the urban legend that if you stop trying you will get pregnant. Pretty much everyone we have told to date (unfamiliar with infertility) has made some comment about how they've heard that happens a lot and how it "must have been all that stress" that made it not work before. Yes, apparently stress is the reason that trumps stage IV endometriosis as the explanation.

On the other end of the spectrum, a few people have been pretty unphased by it, just saying, "cool! congratulations!" That reaction really took me aback at first because *I* am in total shock still, so how can anyone not realize how INSANELY crazy and unlikely this is? Well, it's always someone who knows nothing about infertility that responds that way so I have to remember they just think this is totally "normal". Truth be told, getting pregnant "easily" this time has been eye opening. I seriously can't believe this is what happens for most people. No tears. No heartbreak. No money. No shots. No surgeries. No fear. No pain. They just "get pregnant" and get on with looking forward to their baby. I've always been bothered by the unfairness of it all, and now I feel that times 1000. If this is how you got pregnant, you couldn't even begin to fathom what it's like to go through infertility. (Disclaimer: I have to say that I do have friends who didn't go through infertility and were remarkably understanding - so this doesn't apply to everyone.)

We just sent out the announcement to friends and extended family this morning, now that we have hit 12 weeks. (We had told people we see regularly earlier.) It will be interesting to see the responses. :)

So far pregnancy has been really hard for me physically. I throw up 3-4 times a day usually. I have thrown up at least once every day (except one day!) for six weeks. I'm exhausted from it. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not crouched over the toilet thinking about how exciting it is to be pregnant. (I'm actually thinking, "I can't even begin to fathom that someone else was willing to do this for me.") Everyone's first reaction to the news is, "Are you excited?!" and my honest response is, "I'm too sick to be excited right now." I'm SO sick first thing in the morning, it's like having the flu for weeks on end. And then I have to go take care of Nathan and Kenna feeling like any minute I will throw up on them. I'm hoping and praying the morning sickness (which is all day sickness for me) will go away soon. But, it's actually been getting worse lately and I fear I will be like my mom and be sick for all nine months. Oh my, I'm not prepared for that.

I guess none of it seems real to me right now. I feel like I just have some kind of illness I'm learning to live with for a few months rather than like we are expecting a baby! I can't wait to find out the gender in a couple of months because I think it will help me visualize the baby better and feel more like a normal pregnant person. I guess things would seem dramatically different too if the morning sickness just went away. I'm so bad at keeping perspective when things are tough.

In the meantime, I will continue to be in awe of J. She never told us how sick she was when she was pregnant with N & K. I knew she was sick here and there but she didn't want us to feel bad and never told us the extent of it. I just found out recently that she threw up all the time until 16 weeks. And she had two kids, just like I do right now, to take care of. Can you imagine being willing to endure that for someone else? Can you imagine the size of the heart you have to have? It's beyond all comprehension. It always has been, but being pregnant gives that another dimension now. I literally think of her every time I'm throwing up in the morning. LOL That sounded funny, but you know what I mean. :)

So that's the scoop. Pretty shocking, isn't it?

14 Months!

2010-01-31T19:24:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. Is anyone there? lol I've been thinking about not keeping up the blog anymore now that N & K are a year old, but I was reminded this week of why I do this. Aside from enjoying sharing/bragging about my babies, this serves as a great record of what they are doing over time. I was starting to fill in their baby books with all their milestones, etc., and the blog was my record of what happened when. I could either just write those things down privately, or I could continue to share on the blog. Since I know some people do still check in regularly, I've decided to keep posting, but my aim will be for once a month. So this one will be an update on what happened in month 13!

Let's start with Nathan. Well, Nathan started walking a week after his first birthday, and there was no turning back! He is a very proficient little walker now and LOVES to walk away when you ask him to come (laughing the whole time). The game of trying to escape on those little legs is just his favorite. Since he has more control now, he can walk up close to you and then turn really fast to move away - and, oh the delight on his face! He still crawls probably 10% of the time, mostly if he just fell walking and there is nothing immediate to pull up on.

My little baby Nathan is now having a much stronger personality! He WAS so mellow and easy going, but the last couple of weeks has shown a big shift in temperment. He has started to get really frustrated with things and throws mini-tantrums. If he can't get a shape into the shape sorter, for example, he gets MAD and takes his hand to push the toy away. He never used to do that, so the toddler personality is hitting full force. :) When I try to make him walk or pick him up when he doesn't want it, he will arch his back, throw his head back, make his body limp and fall to the ground. Great, huh? So mommy has been absorbing herself in toddler raising books to find some best practices on how to deal with these new issues. I have to admit, it's been a sudden transition that I wasn't quite prepared to deal with. Things just got harder!

Nathan is such a loving little guy (when he's not mad of course)! He adores his stuffed animals. For Christmas he and Kenna got a large stuffed monkey and bear. Nathan gets so excited to carry them around and then hugs them all the time. He sleeps every night with his little turtle that he loves. When we check on them later in the night, he's always on his stomach with his arm to the side wrapped around Tortue (the turtle). It's heart melting. Especially because he gets a HUGE smile anytime he goes to hug one of his animals. He's so funny about hugging mommy and daddy...he comes up to us frequently, gives a big hug, then quickly turns around to go play. I'm not sure if that's more for us or for him. :)

Nathan caught on to Kenna's main word, "chat" (French for cat), and he now says it too. Not only for the cats but for everything! lol He points at what he wants and says CHAT! He says mama a lot too. Other than that though, we don't have a lot of words going on for either of the little ones right now. I've been a little surprised because I am very diligent about how I talk to them, with consistent use of the same basic words, labeling objects, simple sentence structures, etc. I thought they would get talking more quickly, but not so much. They both understand WAY more than I would expect though. Some of my favorites:

I can ask, "how old are you?" and they each hold up one finger. :)
"Where is your head/tummy/nose/foot" - they will point to the right body part.
"Push (whatever)" - they push!
"Give me (whatever) please" - they hand it to me
"Come here please" - they come (usually!)
"Do you want more?" - they make the more sign with their hands
"Do a somersault" - they put their heads down on the floor so I can flip them over
"Give (someone/something) a hug - they do!

It's so exciting to see how they understand things now. It's the good reward for dealing with all the new tempermental things. :)

As for Kenna, she is my little love bug. She is SO affectionate. She just gets the biggest smile and falls into your arms for hugs and kisses. When I hold her I can say, "give me a Kenna kiss!" and she pushes her lips up against my face for a few seconds. It's SO sweet! I love Kenna kisses! Perhaps the sweetest thing of all is how much she loves her brother. She wants to hug him all the time and he just doesn't get it. lol She comes up next to him, smiles hugely, puts her arms around him and her head on his shoulder. It's heart melting. Nathan, well, he keeps playing with whatever he's playing with! Sometimes he looks at me so bewildered and it cracks me up. ONE TIME, and one time only, she faced him and put her arms around him, and he smiled and put his arms around her. This was last week. I immediately teared up, it was too precious.

Kenna has 3 of her 4 molars coming through already! Nathan doesn't have any. They don't seem to bother her, which is a good thing. With all the teeth I finally got them into a brushing teeth routine. It's pretty funny because they LOVE the taste of the toothpaste and get excited when they see it's time. Nathan through a fit the other day because Kenna "got to" brush her teeth first. I can only hope this lasts for a few more years! :)

Kenna started walking at 12 months and 3 weeks. Even though it took her a couple of weeks after Nathan she is just as proficient at this point. She will still crawl once in a while, like Nathan, but both of them are predominant walkers now. They are getting much too heavy to carry all the time so I'm encouraging them walking everywhere. When it's time to go to their room, I have them climb the stairs and then hold my hand to walk to their room. If they didn't hold my hand, they would be all over the place, and it's good practice for them to get used to that for other situations.

Both babies can feed themselves with a fork, if I get the food on it for them first. I hadn't tried this at all since the pediatrician had said that usually comes around 18 months but the other day I just handed them each a fork with ravioli on it and they both automatically put it right in their mouths! So I'm working with them now on regular fork feeding. (Until now they used their hands for everything.)

Kenna doesn't really throw tantrums of frustration like Nathan but she has "sensitivity meltdowns". She gets serious stranger anxiety if I'm not next to her. She was in our playroom the other day and I was out of sight in the kitchen. Our cleaning person walked out the front door by her and she practically had a panic attack because she didn't know him. She was HYSTERICAL. I was reading in a book the other day about certain things that are common for shy children and Kenna meets all of them. She always waves at strangers AFTER they turn around and I never understood why. Apparently that is a tell-tale sign of shy kids. I have to be honest that I'm not thrilled about her being shy, as I think it makes for a much more difficult life when she gets older, but I will help her as much as possible to gain confidence and trust.

Here are a couple of recent pics (I know Christmas was a while ago, but I love this pic of Kenna!).

Video! First Santa Visit

2009-12-19T07:01:00.000-08:00

Enjoy! It's too bad this isn't bigger because Nathan's face when he first looks up at Santa is priceless ("what on earth is THAT?").

Nathan and Kenna are one!!

2009-12-18T08:38:00.001-08:00

Yes, it's true, last week my little babies turned one! I feel so great that we have somehow figured out how to raise two babies from birth to a year. I can't imagine having been less knowledgeable about babies when they were born than the two of us were. It sort of blows my mind we have managed to figure things out and all four of us are happy and healthy. :) I have to say I'm excited now about this new phase of their lives - entering toddlerhood! It's so fun to see how they are developing cognitively right now. It's amazing.

That said, their first birthday didn't pass without a few feelings of sadness. I'm a really sentimental person (Bryan would write "overly dramatic" instead of sentimental), so the night before their birthday I totally felt like it was a big moment. I knew when I put them to bed, they would wake up and never be considered "babies" again. I put them to bed that night and when I walked out, I definitely felt the pangs of "my babies are growing fast". I know, I know, technically it is just one day of a difference, but the birthday makes it official. :)

We had a birthday party for them on Saturday and it was SO much fun! I was STRESSED leading up to it. We had about 50 people here, including adults and kids, and I just had no idea how it would all go with so many little people. I'm relieved to report that everything went great! We had pizza for lunch (N & K both had a piece too!), then we opened gifts, then we had cake, and that was it. We had a Pooh 1st party theme, since it was gender neutral. The highlight of the event was the cake eating. Bryan is going to edit a little video for me to post. Nathan picked up the whole piece and ate it like an adult would eat a banana. LOL He just kept it in his hand and kept smashing more into his mouth. Kenna took the plunge and put her face straight into it on her tray after figuring out she couldn't easily pick little pieces off. Nathan's face was so covered in cake and icing that at one point my mom became genuinely concerned that he was unable to breathe!! I had doubts leading up to this party that we should have such a big event but I must say that it was worth the stress, money and planning. We had a really great time and it was so memorable. It's true, first birthday parties are more for the parents than the kids, but that's OK! It was just wonderful to be surrounded by our close friends and family to celebrate that WE MADE IT!

I will post first bday pics ASAP, and also I have some big news to write about...Nathan is WALKING! More on that to come soon, but I want to go ahead and get this one up. :)

Countdown to one year?!

2009-12-02T08:28:00.000-08:00

Nathan and Kenna will only be babies for six more days! OMG! This is crazy to me. My little munchkins are almost official toddlers. We refer to them all the time as "the babies"...now what? It sounds weird to call them "the toddlers". lol

End of the day sighs

2009-12-01T18:21:00.000-08:00

By the end of the day, I just feel worn out. I put the kids to bed, close the door, and breathe a giant sigh that I made it through the day. But I realized today that generally speaking, things go pretty well until the last couple of hours. Then it's downhill. They are tired, I am tired. I've lost patience. They've lost patience. By the time I put them to bed, I feel almost a little sad that we didn't all "part" on the happy terms that we usually have the rest of the day. Generally, small battles have been waged for the last couple of hours. Yes, the last half an hour of getting into jammies and snuggling is a nice positive end to the day, but it doesn't totally make up for the crankiness (theirs and mine) that precedes it. I guess there is not much I can do about it, given that we are all tired at the end of the day, but I just feel frustrated that each day starts so great and then just progresses to meltdown between 5-6:30.

Then, there is the BIG battle some nights. Kenna eating vegetables. SIGH. DOUBLE SIGH. TRIPLE SIGH!!! Granted, she eats more vegetables than most kids her age are probably willing to - peas, spinach, corn, potatoes, sometimes carrots, sometimes zuchini. But there are nights when she just refuses the vegetables. Like tonight. I gave her a mix of carrots, broccoli, cauliflower and zuchini. She picked at it, ate a couple of pieces and refused anything else. I am adamant that my kids will eat what is put in front of them. Mommy knows what they need to be healthy, mommy will give them what they need, and they will be grateful that they have food on the table. That's it. End of story. Now of course they can't get the gratitude part yet. Or understand what healthy means. Right now, they just need to learn that they must eat what I give them or they will go hungry. When they are older, they simply won't be allowed to move from the table unless they have eaten every piece of food I have given them. But, I can't do that yet or Kenna would never go to bed. :) (Of course if there is something they find revolting, I respect that! But they can't categorically tell me that vegetables are revolting!)

I ran into a lady at the grocery store this afternoon in the baby food aisle. She had a 13 month old and was asking if I had any advice on getting a baby to eat solid food. She was still giving him a diet of almost all milk with just a couple of fruits because he would cry when she tried to give him anything else! She said her doctor told her to just make him go hungry until he starts eating consistently what she gives him (good advice!), and she said she could never do that because it's mean. I really don't understand when parents are afraid to be "mean" (in their perception) and won't do what is best for their child because of it. I will always do what I feel is best for my kids, even if they kick and scream about it sometimes. To me, it's "mean" to let an infant "decide" on important things like their selection of diet when they don't have adequate knowledge to make those decisions. My job is to be stronger than the frustration that comes from the crying. It sure is more tiring than the avoidance of "appearing mean". But for me, it sure is worth it. Even on nights when I'm so flustered that I decide to write a blog post about it. :)

Off to a good book, a soft couch, a cuddly blanket, and a glass of wine!

New pictures!

2009-11-22T08:47:00.001-08:00

11 Months Update

2009-11-22T08:03:00.000-08:00

Well, actually they are 11.5 months now - only 2 more weeks of technically being babies?! Wow. I just can't even believe that. In a way, I'm so proud to just have gotten here - I survived! They survived! Bryan survived! We figured it all out! I mean, I can't even imagine when these two were born I had rarely even touched a baby in my life. When at a baby store yesterday, I was looking at all the Christmas clothes. I love holidays and am always excited when the new stuff comes out! But as I stood there looking at all the "baby's first Christmas" things, it struck me how we have come full circle - it won't be their first Christmas anymore, or ever again. They've now had all their calendar year firsts. On the one hand that makes me sad, but it has been an amazing year. And I'm very excited to see them experience everything as they get a little older and understand what is going on. So I know there is still much joy ahead! :) In fact, last Christmas was their first, and it was INCREDIBLE, but it was also surrounded by sleepless nights with 3 week old babies, totally new/clueless parents, and totally new/clueless babies! I'm really looking forward to having the energy this year to enjoy everything and take it all in.

Here are some updates from the last month:

Both babies feed themselves now! Kenna caught on around 10.5 months and never looked back. Her pincer grasp is amazing! She can pick up the tiniest things. If there is a day old pea in her bib pocket, she will surely pick it out and eat it the next day! She is a very independent eater. There are many things she refuses to eat off a spoon that she will pick up and eat for herself if placed on the tray. For some reason, Nathan took a few more weeks to catch on to the whole self feeding thing. I would put the food on his tray but he just wouldn't touch it. I knew he was physically able and that he loves food, so I couldn't figure it out. In retrospect, I think it was just laziness! I found that if I turned his chair around so he couldn't see me, he would immediately pick something up and try to eat it. He definitely didn't have the same fine motor skills as Kenna, though, and often dropped the food, must to his frustration. I think he knew he wasn't great at doing it and was anxious to eat so he would just cry until I fed him. I just kept putting food on his tray every day and feeding him with my fingers so he would get the idea. He would play with it once in a while but that was it. Then, last week, he went for it and now has about a 90% completion rate! They both now pretty much feed themselves all of what is on the tray (except stuff I feed them with a spoon). It's amazing how far we've come in a month! The sippy cups are also in 100% use and they are doing well with them.

They are generally great eaters and eat pretty much everything! For example, one dinner this week was salmon, asparagus and fresh mushrooms with a tomato sauce. All parents have their things that are important to them, and for me a major thing is what they eat. I have taken the plunge and give them almost entirely organic food after reading much on the topic. I NEVER thought I would be "that" person, but yup, I now feel strongly about it for them. I am emphatic that they get a great mix of grains, fruits, veggies, proteins and dairy each day and buy a large variety of things for them to eat. My goal is to have kids who make healthy food choices for life and have a taste for a large variety of foods.

Kenna now has 8 teeth! At the beginning of last month she had 6, and by the end she had two more bottom teeth come in. It seemed like Nathan was having trouble teething last month but never had more teeth come in. This morning, one broke through on the bottom (number 7 for him!) and I think the matching one will be soon to come.

Both babies can stand for several second alone without holding onto anything now. Especially in the last week, they just periodically are standing when I look up. Nathan is doing an AWESOME job with his walker. We take him outside on the sidewalk with it and he can push it (walking) forever. Last week he tried to take his first step while standing without it, but promptly fell and I haven't seen him try that again. Kenna soon after did the same thing. She too can walk with the walker, but she isn't as excited about it and just goes for a little bit before deciding she would like to go smell the flower next to her! I can't imagine they won't be walking within another 4-6 weeks. They are very close and ready!

These two are very much a boy and girl in their personalities. Nathan is never happier than when you put him down in a wide open space and he can crawl as fast as he can. He gets a huge grin on his face and sort of pants "ah ah ah ah!" Kenna loves to crawl into your lap to be held and is enjoying books a lot more lately. She watches intently for a little while. This morning when I picked her up out of her crib and rubbed her back, she rubbed mine back. She is so sweet and loving! Nathan likes to crawl into my lap but more for playing. He likes to use me as a jungle gym. :) The exception is when he is tired, and then he will snuggle into me and lay his head on my shoulder. I just love that because it's so much less frequent with him.

We had a really fun first Halloween with them. We went to the Disneyland trick or treat party the night before and had a blast with our friends who have twin 2 year olds. We took them real trick or treating the next night on Halloween with grammy, papa, and their aunt, uncle and cousins and had a great time then too - although they slept through most of it! I had SO much fun having an excuse to go door to door myself and realized I was excited to see what kind of candy WE got! lol Nathan was a perfect lion, and Kenna a perfect flower.

Yesterday we got professional 12 month pictures taken. The timing didn't work to get them done later so they had to get done a little early. We couldn't get Nathan to smile for the life of us...BUT we got some absolutely fantastic pictures of them both despite that. I will post them next. I'm long overdue for some pics to be posted!

Putting the bottles away

2009-11-03T12:41:00.000-08:00

October has just flown by! We were all sick for a week, then my parents were visiting for a week, then we were on vacation for a week, then I was catching up on work for a week after 3 weeks of being off schedule...and here we are in November! I'm long overdue for an update. But a full one will come soon. This is just a small one.

This morning I realized that I need to catch up on reading what key things I should be doing for the babies in this age group. It's easy to get into such a routine that you figure you know all that needs to happen, and that's where I've been for a couple of months. But, my little babies are older babies now and there are some changes I need to start making to transition them to the next stage - things like moving 100% to cups rather than bottles, focusing more on labeling objects, working on simple instructions with them, helping them practice walking (not just when they decide to cruise on something), etc. I made a list of a bunch of things I feel I need to start doing more mindfully and put it on my desktop. :)

As of yesterday, they are now only drinking from sippy cups. After I put them to bed for their nap just now, I started to gleefully put the bottles together on the counter in preparation for storage, joyfully reclaiming that counter space (enough space for so many bottles per day with twins is a lot!). Just as I was about to scoop them all into my arm to place in a big bag to put away, it hit me. No more baby bottles. Ever. That's it. I will never again feed my babies a baby bottle. My heart started to pound and my eyes welled up with tears, just like they are as I write this. I never used to understand why moms got emotional about their kids getting older, as there are always new things to look forward to. But my heart is practically hurting right now as I realize I'll never again hear those sweet sucking sounds on their little bottles. Then I started thinking about how they are almost a year old. In another month they will have already had so many of their "firsts". I can't believe that time is already behind us.

I put all the bottles away...except two. I have to hold and feed each one of them this afternoon with their bottles one last time! I think I'm having a much harder time letting go of their bottles than they are. :)

Kenna LOVES this signing thing...

2009-10-09T08:09:00.001-07:00

As a brief update to yesterday's post, Kenna absolutely loves signing milk now! This is the cutest thing ever. While eating her cereal this morning she kept stopping, looking at me intensely to see if I was watching, and forcefully signing milk. LOL I want to reward her for her efforts right now to solidify the connection so when she did it I would give her a few sips of her milk (I normally wait until after solids to give the bottle so they eat everything). I would take it away then she would eat a few more spoons then sign milk again! She has the cutest look on her face when she does it, like, "I can't believe this is actually working over and over!" Now I have to figure out how to tell her, "I understand what you are signing, and am glad you are communicating with me, but you can't always have what you ask for." Does anyone have a sign for that? :)

10 Months Old Today!

2009-10-08T18:34:00.000-07:00

OK, 10 months old sounds WAY to close to a year old and I am NOT happy about that!!! I can't believe they are almost not babies anymore! I LOVE the stage where they are right now. They are so much fun and just want to freeze time a bit. I'm sure there will be some other points like that, too. :)

So the latest. In my usual update fashion, I must make a list so I don't forget anything! Ultimately I will go back through all my blogs to record all their milestones, etc., for their baby books so I have to make sure to get everything on here. :)

1. At their last doctor's appointment a couple of weeks ago, Kenna was just under 20 pounds and Nathan just under 22 pounds (I thought that was weird because at home he weighs over 22 pounds!). Nathan is in the 95th percentile for height and Kenna in the 97th. They are both in the 75th percentile for weight. Nathan's head is in the 95th percentile and Kenna's is apparently off the chart above 100%! LOL Everything went well, but they were found to have low iron despite my best attempts to feed them nutritious stuff all the time so now they have to have iron drops twice a day until their next appointment at a year.

2. This one is really blowing my mind. Kenna signed "milk" for the first time today! I started with only one baby sign about a month ago - I did the milk sign before giving them the bottle every time. They get mad when I try to make them do it with their own hands so I gave up on that part and just kept doing it myself. I thought they weren't getting it AT ALL and was probably going to give up. Today first thing when I went in the nursery, Kenna was standing in her crib signing "milk". I laughed and thought it couldn't possibly be. Nathan had done it a couple of times this week and I thought that was just chance too. I put them in their high chairs and Kenna immediately told me 'milk' again with her hand. I gave her a sip and took it away to see what she would do. She signed it again right away, looking at me intently. I gave it back to her for a sip then took it away. We did this back and forth over and over and she proved she REALLY knows the word! It is just crazy that she is able to ask for something now. The whole time I'm feeding her solid food though she is now signing milk. LOL I'm going to add three new signs now. I want to do "hungry", "sleepy" and "all done".

3. Both babies, but especially Nathan, has made a teething biscuit out of the crib. I'm surprised he hasn't completely filed down his teeth! :(

4. A couple of weeks ago I stopped pureeing food. Now everything is chopped into pieces. They are doing a pretty good job of chewing, but for foods that they easily swallowed and "got out of the way" before (the ones they didn't like) they now really resist chewing. Nathan thinks it's too much effort. He gets frustrated while chewing if it's not something he likes and starts complaining. I'm hoping this will resolve as they get more used to it and it's not as laborious.

5. I'm still making almost all their food! I have been making all kinds of stuff. Rather than making huge batches to freeze as I did with pureeing, I now make enough for one week and just refrigerate for the most part. This week's menu includes: yams, carrots, green beans, corn, potatoes, avocados, peaches, apples, bananas, blueberries, ground beef and chicken!

6. Nathan has started cruising a little. Both babies pull to standing constantly, but I'm surprised they haven't actually tried cruising more. When I put things just out of Nathan's reach, he will "cruise" over to it, and keep going as I pull the things further. So he "can" do it, he just "prefers" to get on the floor and crawl over because that's much faster! Kenna hasn't tried too much. I got a pusher thing for them to try walking but with just a tiny bit of pressure it goes fast and that's not good when you are just learning! I guess we need to wait on that.

7. Self feeding and sippy cups. Ugh. I felt a bit bombarded at the pediatrician appointment when she was asking about meal time and stuff and she started talking about chunky food, sippy cups and self feeding. I was thinking, "but we just have mastered solid foods in the last couple of months!" lol I felt like I had this whole routine down of making food and they were eating everything well, and already we have to start the next stage?! First step was that I made them pick up their bottles and drink them themselves. This was about a month ago, that they could do it consistently. I then started to give them sippy cups with water after each meal so they could learn to drink from them. NO DICE! After weeks of absolutely no progress, I took a friend's advice to get a different kind of cup with a soft spout to start with rather than hard plastic. I did that, and I put formula in it (because that's a substance they love rather than water)...success this week! They don't like it at all, but they will put up with it to drink about half a sippy cup of milk. Then they both complain. But it's a start. (Incidentally, Kenna stopped drinking after a few sips today and signed "milk"! LOL I think "milk" clearly means "milk in a bottle" to her!) As for self feeding, things aren't going great but I haven't been trying to much. I tried puffs but they are too small and they just can't pick them up well enough. I finally made toast for them for the first time today and Kenna fed herself several pieces! I was literally jumping up and down. I didn't think it would ever happen. So I need to find more dry foods that can be in larger pieces like that. Nathan plays with it but just doesn't want to put it in his mouth. I hope this progresses soon.

8. We went to the pumpkin patch yesterday! It was a really special day and I'm going to do a separate post about that with pictures.

So that's the latest! More pics soon...

Halloween Preview

2009-10-01T18:52:00.000-07:00

Our costumes came today! :)

Sweet Moments

2009-09-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

I just had the sweetest half an hour right now with the babies. This afternoon they were quite cranky, as I think they've both started to get runny noses (if they get sick, this will be the third time in their young lives, and EVERY time it has been within 3 days of being in the church nursery! UGH!). I was having a particularly patient day for some reason and didn't get overwhelmed by it as I often do. I brought them upstairs for bath time and for the first time I put them directly in the tub (I've been using a baby tub inside the big tub). Kenna did great, sitting still for me the whole time. Nathan wanted to crawl everywhere and it was a much bigger challenge. But, I guess it's time to do it. So anyway, because I was feeling particularly peaceful and nurturing despite all this, I decided that I was going to rock Kenna and sing to her because she had been so upset all afternoon and I thought she wasn't feeling well. Now, that might sound like a typical thing to do with babies, but it's not for us for a couple of reasons:

1) I sing to them a lot, but more like fun songs during the day, and never "lullaby" types of songs. I don't have a very good voice so I guess I have always felt funny singing in any kind of serious way.

2) I decided in the very beginning that I would always put the babies down awake, rather than rock them to sleep. I read in several books that this is best for their sleep habits in the long run and decided to follow through with it. Consequently, I have never once actually rocked Nathan or Kenna to sleep!

So back to tonight. I took Kenna and sat in the rocking chair with her facing me and her face over my shoulder. I started rocking and singing some of my favorite slow hymns from church. In the meantime, Nathan was standing in the crib, just watching this all unfold (but listening quietly!). She was so still, just melted in my arms. I just kept singing and singing and rocking, and enjoyed it so much...suddenly I looked down and Kenna was sound asleep with her little hand clutching my shoulder still. It was such a precious moment. I couldn't believe MY singing had been soothing enough to put her to sleep. I felt so motherly. :) I went and put her in the crib and then picked up Nathan. Nathan is such a squiggler, I thought for sure I wouldn't go two for two. I started rocking and singing and sure enough he was trying to crawl away. So instead I stood up and held him, swaying back and forth. Kenna had woken up when I put her down and was looking at me. I started singing the same songs again and as soon as I did, she closed her eyes and went to sleep. It was SO sweet. Then, the amazing happened, and Nathan became like jelly in my arms while I sang even though he didn't seem tired 3 minutes before. I sang for a while and put him down in the crib. He wasn't asleep but was all glazed over. Normally Nathan screams as soon as he is put in the crib, but he just laid there on his back looking up at me quietly. I started singing again and rubbing his head gently. He closed his eyes so peacefully and drifted off to sleep while I rubbed his head. You have to know Nathan to understand why that's crazy. He has a tough time going to sleep and always fights it, always goes on his stomach, and always tosses and turns for a while. The fact that I actually was able to "soothe" him to sleep amazed me. I left the room with my two sweet angels peacefully drifting off. It was a very, very sweet moment.

I still believe in putting babies down awake, but now that they know the routine and do go to sleep on their own every day, I think it will be nice to do some rocking once in a while. :)

Pictures!

2009-09-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

(Update below this post)

Happy Kenna:

Happy Nathan:

Unhappy Nathan(this face cracks me up):

Unhappy Kenna:

Grammy took this pic on a trip to Costco - I just love how Kenna is reaching out to Nathan!

Nathan's first time ever standing up in his crib:

9 Months Old!

2009-09-14T18:26:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it's true, but the babies just turned nine months old! That used to seem like such a far off thing, it's hard to imagine we are here. I honestly feel like I'm living someone else's life sometimes lately. Remember how I used to post about how I couldn't see myself as a mom with a newborn because when I always thought about having kids, I pictured older kids (like toddlers)? Well, recently my babies have truly seemed more like toddlers than like little babies. And for the first time I find myself as a mom in the way I had always thought of it. I had no expectations of what it would be like to have a newborn because I had never been around them. I had to create that reality as I went. But I certainly had imagined what it would be like to have older kids and I'm starting to live in that world now as they become more like "pre-toddlers". I regularly find myself taking a step back and realizing how crazy it is that I'm a mom now...a mom as I had always thought of that experience. It's really crazy, and a real transition for me. The babies are both pulling to standing now (more on that in a minute) and when I turned around yesterday to see them both standing up at a table looking at me it was truly an eye opener. I just couldn't believe I am their MOM...I'm a mom?! I'm having those realizations of "I can't believe this has all come true for us" all over again. I can't believe our dreams came true after so much difficulty. I thank God for that every day. What an amazing answer to prayers we had through J. Every ounce of difficulty was worth it now that they are here.

I also feel much more comfortable in my "role" as mom now. In the beginning I felt slightly fraudulent because I was a mom who didn't go through pregnancy like almost everyone else. I felt like somehow I wasn't as good as everyone else. Part of that was driven by all the questions you get with newborns from strangers - how fast I lost the weight, did I have a csection, I can't believe you carried two babies, etc. It was a constant reminder that I was different. But once the babies got older, the pregnancy questions just stopped coming about and now I truly feel like a "regular" mom without the inferiority complex. In fact, I have no problem telling people I didn't carry and I feel fine about it. I don't feel that little gut pinch I did in the beginning. I'm very grateful for that!

So, let's see what is new...

1) Nathan now has six teeth...his two teeth on top on the sides of the front two finally broke through last week. He was CRANKY CRANKY CRANKY for a couple of weeks before that so I was relieved to see that's what it was when they finally came through!

2) On Sept 4, just a few days before his nine month bday, I walked into the nursery in the morning to get the babies ready for a weekend away and there was Nathan STANDING in his crib!! I dashed downstairs for the camera and made it back in time to take a picture (I'll post after this).

He was looking at me like, "what? what's all the fuss about?" He looked like such a big kid!

This morning, not to be outdone, KENNA then stood up in her crib for the first time when I came in to get them first thing! I again ran for the camera and made it back in time again!

Since last week Nathan has been standing up on EVERYTHING. He is a standing machine. Against walls, gates, tables, you name it. He hasn't started to cruise yet but it won't be long. Kenna can actually stand a few seconds without holding onto anything. I think because she is lighter she has better balance than Nathan!

3) Kenna got her ears pierced Saturday! Oh man, it made me feel bad. She SCREAMED...but then it was over 5 minutes later and she was fine again. She is too cute with her little earings!

4) Kenna is still doing the army crawl even though she can stand. I'm thinking she might just skip normal crawling! She does do an intermediate position where she's up on her needs when at "rest position", but goes back to army crawl to get somewhere. When we were on vacation over labor day she took a few regular crawls in our condo where we were staying but I haven't seen anything like it since!

5) Kenna continues to babble constantly, and Nathan is still just doing it a little. I've heard him do mama, baba and dada...it's just not very often!

6) They discontinued the formula we had worked so hard to find early on (lactose free for Nathan). :( Big bummer. I've been giving him a low lactose formula instead and I think he's been having a lot of tummy aches because of it. Today I tried a new one without lactose and it seems that he has been a lot happier suddenly. Poor guy, I think he's really been struggling. Hopefully this new one will solve the problem.

7) Nathan is about 22 pounds and Kenna is about 20 pounds. (Both just under those numbers).

8) Baby food making is going well and they are eating just about everything well! Nathan doesn't like green beans very much but other than that they have really gotten better about vegetables. I got a better blender and the smooth consistency has made all the difference in the world.

9) Kenna waves a lot but not really in response to you waving! It's so cute when she does it but she doesn't realize she should do it when YOU do it. She just likes to wave in general. :) And say MAMAMAMAMAMA really loudly. In public. lol Nathan has started clapping his hands periodically when is really cute too. He gets a huge smile on his face!

10) We've been really working on "NO". They know it's not a good thing for sure, as they get upset by it. When they spit out food they get a firm hand squeeze and serious look with a "NO SPIT" from me. Other things get the hand squeeze and "NO TOUCH". Or "NOT A TOY". Kenna actually listens very well! Nathan not so much. But after not listening they get removed completely from what they are wanting to do. They are definitely starting to understanding. Starting being the key word. :)

11) Nathan finally has high chair manners! For a while he complained between every bite with whining because he wanted it faster and for Kenna to not have hers. Every time he started crying I turned his high chair away. He would then scream for a while and I wouldn't turn him around until he stopped. After about a week of this he stopped doing it completely. Victory! (most of the time ;)

12) I haven't blogged much about this, but I'm working on teaching them French at the same time as English (as much as possible given that I'm only intermediate level and not fluent). I do half days with them where we play only in French and label objects in French etc. Even Bryan has commited to this and just started Rosetta Stone! I'm so proud of him...he's not too interested in languages to start with, and it's not exactly his forte (by his own admission) so I couldn't be more thrilled that he is supporting this endeavor that is so important to me.

13) Our ten year anniversary is next week! We are going to Yosemite and are looking forward to having some time as a couple, thanks to Bryan's parents having the kids for the weekend. They have been SO instrumental in our sanity as parents. They actually have their own (beautiful) nursery for the twins set up at their house, so they are basically prepared to have them at any time. How amazing is that? They have all kinds of toys, baby gates, everything needed. They have been so willing to have them, and to come to our house to watch them too. Bryan's mom comes every Tuesday afternoon to care for them while I get work done. They have had them for several overnights when we have had the chance to get away and when I had to leave town for work. It's a huge blessing for us and for the babies! My own parents will be coming to visit in just a couple of weeks...they live out of state unfortunately so they haven't been able to be involved in the same way with the babies. It makes me sad that they can't be here, as I know they would love to be, but I'm so glad they are getting to come visit. They are beside themselves with excitement!

Well, I will try to get some pictures up now. I haven't posted any in a while! Time for them to show their faces. :)

Babbling babies

2009-08-29T09:12:00.001-07:00

Kenna has had quite a repertoire for a few weeks now...ba ba ba, ma ma ma (the first one!), da da da, pa pa pa, and diaper (just kidding). :) She really has upped her brother in this area. Nathan has always made lots of sounds, but no consonants. Well, for the record book, this week he has done "da da da" a handful of times and this morning ever so briefly he did "ma ma". It's so strange to hear him say something like Kenna does because he just doesn't make those sounds yet...but he crawled into my lap this morning and suddenly said "ma ma". My heart melted, even if he doesn't know what ma ma means yet. :)

An overdue update!

2009-08-17T19:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks, but time for an update! A lot has actually happened.

I hate starting on a sad note, but it's top of mind so I must...our wonderful, amazing, spectacular part time nanny (one day a week) had to quit tonight due to cat allergies that are getting worse and worse as she works with us. :( I'm so sad, I have to admit I broke down and cried after she left. She loves the kids and was so sad too. It's so hard to find someone you love like this, so I'm super bummed. I have 2 weeks to find someone new. Big, huge sigh, but...

On happier notes, here is the latest!

Lots and lots of teeth!

Nathan now has all four front teeth and Kenna has SIX! She has four on top, two on bottom, which all came in before her eight month birthday. What a toothy little grin she has now. :) Amazingly, she was never really grumpy about it. Neither was Nathan...until last week. He was so grumpy suddenly and obsessing over his teeth - grinding them constantly (Kenna does that too, it's like finger nails on a chalkboard!). I assume he must have more coming in soon because of the grumpiness. He was his happy self today though, so hopefully we are on a good path. :)

Hair!

Kenna has had hair steadily coming in over the last few months but Nathan has been as bald as ever. Lately though he has started to get a little fuzzy and it's SO cute! I've really noticed it in the last two weeks. It still doesn't look like a lot but you can suddenly tell it's growing and when he wakes up from a nap he has "bed head" with little ruffled hair on the back. I think it's the sweetest thing ever (especially to go with the ultra grumpy he look he gets after nap time)!

Nathan knows Kenna exists!

Yes, Nathan officially has noticed that Kenna exists alongside him! For months and months now, Kenna has observed her brother intently, always curious about and interested in him. Nathan has never much cared to know what his baby sister is doing. But in the last couple of weeks all of that has changed. They now interact all the time! It's like the light switch went on for Nathan that he has a playmate. It started with a nighttime event when they were in PJs getting ready for bed. They suddenly began "chasing" each other around the living room and laughing. Nathan would crawl toward Kenna and she would crawl away as fast as possible, laughing all the while (she still doesn't do a regular crawl, but can move just as fast with the army crawl, slithering on the floor with arms and legs). Kenna laughing is also a new event - she would laugh out loud before when you tickled her, sort of as an automatic response, but now she is laughing out loud at things and it all started with her laughing at Nathan crawling after her! The funny thing is, originally I don't think Nathan was even crawling after her, he just came near her and she thought it was funny and crawled away quickly. But over time he joined in and now laughs too. This has now opened up a whole new world of interaction at different times, especially mealtime. When they try a new food they look at each other as if to say, "what do you think?" (sometimes while spitting it out!) They also reach across the high chairs to touch each other and sometimes just start laughing. It's so adorable when they connect like that! And I just love finally hearing Kenna laugh!

Need...more...containment devices!

Looking back on my last post, I can't believe it was only July 25th that Nathan mastered the crawl. I mean, he is EVERYWHERE. Opening drawers, pulling up on things, pulling on electrical cords (still working on baby proofing...), you name it. He knows when I say come here, and crawls with a big smile fast toward me, straight into my lap. Melts my heart every time. :) Kenna has that army crawl perfected and has shown no interest in getting her tummy off the ground. But she moves as fast as Nathan so why would she care?! She too is into everything and especially loves to pick small specks off the floor and study them as she slivers around. Kenna LOVES to investigate rugs for some reason. She picks up the different corners and pulls them up and down. Now that they are so mobile, they have a lot less interest in toys. They want to move chairs, look at rugs, open kitchen drawers, play with cords and anything else that isn't meant for them. I've started working on teaching them "no" and need to do babyproofing very soon (like yesterday). But, I don't want to completely baby proof because I want them to learn boundaries with some things that aren't dangerous but that they just aren't allowed to play with. I'm making some progress with a firm no and hand squeeze. Kenna listens much better than Nathan. He will whine then go back to what he wanted. Kenna looks at me, doesn't like that I am not happy, and moves on!

Kenna finds a new sleeping position...

Months after learning to roll over both ways, Kenna has decided that she wants to sleep on her stomach suddenly. With Nathan, he learned to roll over, and there has never been a day since that he has slept on his back. Kenna always slept on her back, but just the last week has been sleeping on her stomach. I was really surprised when I first saw it and a little scared because it was so unlike her! But it's been consistent for a few days so we may two stomach sleepers now.

Making baby food

This is really, really unlike me, but I have decided to make as much of the babies' food going forward as possible. I keep trying to figure out why I want to do this, because it is SO not like me, and here is what I can come up with:

1) I've gotten really into cooking in the last few months and making baby food is a great way for me to systematically learn to cook pretty much every vegetable and fruit! So, for one, it's a cool learning experience.

2) I have a lot more control over what they are eating. I really like the idea of them eating pure, fresh food in its original "form" without added preservatives and all those other things in the ingredient list on jars. I love knowing that when they eat pears, they are...just eating pears. Fresh and pure. Baby food can be on the shelf for up to 3 years in some cases with all the stuff that is in it!

3) I want them to have healthy eating habits, and this is a great way of supporting that. You can make a lot more variety than you can ever buy in "baby food packs". I want them to have the opportunity to learn about and like lots of different foods. So many kids are so picky and don't get well balanced diets, and it's my goal to avoid that as much as possible. I never thought I would be "that" mom, but I hope my kids don't know what fried food is for a very long time. :)

4) I can more easily control portion size. I have big eaters! When you buy those jars or packages, you are somewhat limited to the portions they come in. When you make your own food, you can freeze in whatever portions are most practical for you.

5) In addition to all that, it's cheaper!

On another food note, I'm peeling everything before preparing to get rid of as much of the pesticide residue as possible. It's hard to wash it all off and babies' bodies are much more sensitive to it (they get 60 times the exposure given the concentration of their foods). Anything without a peel I will buy organic. I can't believe I'm saying that, because like I said, I am totally not the I-buy-food-at-Whole-Foods-and-Trader-Joes-person-because-of-environmental-and-social-issues by nature. But I've been reading about organic food more and while my kids are small, I think it's worth while to give them the majority of food that is either peeled or organic given how much more they are impacted by it (compared to adults). I have a special concern about chicken and want to only feed them natural chicken, hormone free - I have endometriosis, which is thought to at least be partially caused by the extreme levels of estrogen in chicken (for people who eat a lot of meat). If I can minimize Kenna's risk at all of endo by only giving her hormone free meat at home, I think it's a very worthwhile pursuit.

So far I have made: peaches, pears, apples, mangos, bananas, carrots, zuchini, broccoli, asparagus, and garbanzo beans.

I will have to post some pictures later...gotta go find a nanny!

A big event

2009-07-30T18:50:00.000-07:00

One difficult thing about having two babies rather than one is that you can't go to the grocery store because only one baby fits in the cart. While we were using the double snap and go there was a nice storage area underneath and I could at least do a small trip. But last week we had to tuck it away because the babies have outgrown the graco car seats that snap into it and they now have the big convertible seats instead. So we now use the side by side Combi everywhere. It's a great lightweight stroller but there is virtually NO storage. I thought that was the end to my even light weight grocery shopping with the babies. BUT...

drum roll...

today we went to Costco, which is the only place I've ever seen with two baby seats in the cart, and the babies had their first grocery cart experience!! Yes, I did a full Costco shopping trip with Nathan and Kenna riding in the front. I'm so excited (I actually really like grocery shopping because I've gotten way into cooking lately). It occurred to me that if they can sit on their own now, they should do fine in the cart so we ventured out. I parked in the back of the lot where I spotted a cart so I could try it out there and abandon the mission if they were falling over. SUCCESS!

As a side note, I knew I was going to post about this so I decided to count how many people stopped to talk to us (people are fascinated by twins). 17! Yup, 17 people talked to me about them. I think they looked pretty small in the cart compared to babies you usually see sitting up, and with two of them, they caught everyone's attention. It was lots of fun. I really never get tired of people wanting to see them. I'm so proud of my little babies. :)

"Mom, I think this one needs to be baby proofed"

2009-07-29T11:42:00.001-07:00

Sitting, Crawling and Sick!

2009-07-25T07:44:00.001-07:00

We have been very fortunate that the babies have only been sick once since birth - when they were three months old they had a cold for about 3 days. Well, cold #2 is now under way. It started with Nathan sniffling, then I got sick, now Kenna and we are all three a mess. I have it worse than they do fortunately (I have the additional thrill of throwing up too, which they don't seem to have). Kenna had a 102 fever yesterday but we gave her tylenol and it brought it down. The only thing worse than 2 sick babies is being sick yourself at the same time! I feel really bad for them not being able to blow their noses on their own. I keep using the nose sucker thing but with as much as I blow my own nose I know they must be miserable.

I'm pretty sure we brought this home from the church nursery, which is where I think we got it last time. No more nursery for a while.

I've been posting about how Nathan has been entering new crawling phases and finally pretty much perfected the one knee at a time thing. Well, if he was at 90% ability before, I can safely say this morning he hit 100%. Crawling before was a thing of necessity for him. He would see something he wanted and find a way to crawl to it. But this morning he went exploring all over the house on his own, for the sake of exploring. I watched in awe as he crawled across our hard wood floors, through the kitchen (where he never has tried to go) and around the dining room with no problem. No falling to his stomach and resuming, one long consistent Christopher Columbus style exploration. :) Wow, you can guess what we will be doing today. I never thought baby proofing would suddenly become so urgent. The way our house is, it's hard to baby proof. We have an empty room in the entry way that I have wanted to turn into a playroom eventually and now is the time. We've picked out a cool wall storage system and rug to start and Bryan is going to go pick it up today. I'm really excited to do something with that room.

There is such a difference between this age and the first 6 months or so. Today I'm sorting and putting away all their old close, breaking down swings, putting bouncers and tummy time things in the garage, etc. It's a whole new stage. I need to go buy some new types of toys for them ASAP. I really feel like we have little kids now and not babies! It's really exciting.

Lastly, I think we can also safely say this is first week when BOTH babies are sitting up for long periods of time on their own! It's amazing! Here are some pics:

A couple of other updates...Kenna is constantly saying "mamamamamama". OK, I know that she isn't referring to me but it is so clear when she says it with a big huge smile that it melts my heart anyway. It is SO precious. I can't even imagine when she says it for real what it will be like. Lastly, our babies are really starting to "argue". Nathan wants whatever Kenna has and immediately grabs it away. If she grabs it back he doesn't care, but when he takes from her she cries immediately. Very different personalities. :) We're working on "No" but it's not very effective thus far!

More teeth!

2009-07-22T09:02:00.000-07:00

Kenna now has both of her top teeth coming in - they are just about to break through the gum! I guess she is getting all her teeth in pairs. :) Nathan's bottom tooth is still pushing through and now we can see it is slightly at an angle. Hopefully that will resolve itself. But no sign of the other tooth yet. Kenna will certainly beat him to a toothy smile!

Nathan has almost perfected his crawl. He is getting places fast. He has even figured out how to go from crawling to sitting. We have an urgent need to do the following now:

1) BABY PROOF!
2) Lower the crib mattresses before Nathan figures out how to pull up (which could happen any day)
3) Switch the car seats to the convertible ones. Even though those Graco snug rides are supposed to last until about a year, they only go up to 22 pounds and Nathan is just about there! He barely is fitting in his seat. So we need to swap out. I'm really sad about not being able to use the snap n go stroller anymore though. It's so much more of a hassle to take the gets out of their car seats everywhere and rebuckle them in a regular stroller!

Two Nathan milestones this morning

2009-07-18T08:02:00.000-07:00

While feeding the kids breakfast this morning, I noticed something white in Nathan's mouth...sure enough, he had the bottom left tooth break through this morning! There is just a little white peaking through but it broke the gum line. The other one looks close! Kenna's literally came in within 2 days of each other, so it will be interesting to see if Nathan does the same.

Secondly, Nathan figured out this morning how to crawl without double-knee hopping - he went across the living room one knee at a time! I think it's official, we have a crawler!

I can see how exhausting this is going to be...both babies are into EVERYTHING. This is going to be a hard stage because they are too young still for "discipline". It would be much easier to say, "Nathan if you touch my computer cord one more time you are going to your room." Any advice on how to at least teach them what "No" means at this age? I know most books say that they can start to understand that now, but I'm not sure how. I will tell Nathan no in a firm voice repeatedly and move him away then he keeps going back.

A few updates

2009-07-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

Nathan has been lounging around in the full crawling position (hands and knees, tummy off ground and everything) for probably 6 weeks. I thought he would crawl forever ago because he looked so ready! Well, he still isn't crawling in that perfected baby crawl stage, but this week he has definitely entered another stage. He moves forward both knees at the same time in a little "hop", then stretches out and gets in position to do it again. He basically gets all over the living room like that. He is unstoppable. Bryan has to get on the whole baby proofing thing!

Kenna hasn't made it to all fours yet (with tummy off ground) but she has no problem getting around either with some combo of slithering and rolling. She has been so extra cute lately with her two bottom teeth. :) I think she'll have the top two soon also because the gums are all swollen. Nathan has been teething but no teeth yet!

I have one problem right now that I wish I could solve. Nathan has been waking up at 5 am for the last few weeks! I never go in until 6:45 so he just lies there talking, whining, making sounds, etc the whole time. I end up in and out of sleep for the whole time so it's not exactly restful. Every book I have says you can't control the wake up time and I have found that to be true. We put him to bed one night 1.5 hours later and he woke up the same time. He's not starving or anything - I usually don't even feed them until 45 minutes after they get up and they are fine during that time. He doesn't have a dirty diaper, it's not overly light in the room, and he never is rewarded with me coming in. But weeks and weeks this has gone on!! And then he gets super cranky too early before his 9 am nap. I still make him hold out until then to go down but it's like his bio clock is stuck on 5 am. UGH. Poor Kenna - she's such a great sleeper and sometimes by the time I come in in the morning she is sucking her little tiny thumb trying to get back to sleep! Any ideas?

Lastly, I wanted to mention that at our 7 month appt they were both in about the 95th percentile of height - Kenna shot up since the last one from 70 to 97! They are growing like crazy! Nathan weighs over 20 pounds and Kenna over 18.

Welcome!

2009-07-14T13:43:00.001-07:00

Welcome to our new blog! Most of the blog will be about Nathan and Kenna, our precious baby twins, with some other thoughts about life along the way. :) Thanks for visiting!

Family vacation pictures!

2009-07-14T13:29:00.000-07:00

Last week we went on our first prolonged (i.e., more than a weekend) family vacation! We went to Mammoth, in the Eastern Sierras of California. It's the most amazing place, and a place that we have gone back to over and over again the last few years. Even though it's known for skiing/winter activities, I love Mammoth even more for the summer beauty of hiking. We can't backpack overnight just yet with the babies (a favorite activity of ours), but we are definitely getting them on the hiking trail, as you'll see below! The beautiful lake pictures with the mountains in the back and Nathan and Kenna in front were taken at Heart Lake, in Little Lakes Valley, near Mammoth (up from Rock Creek Lake and Tom's Place if you know the area). I think those are my favorite pictures ever. :)

The babies did great and celebrated their 7 month birthday up there! They also started to sit up for longer periods when we were there (maybe half a minute now). It was just wonderful to share a vacation with them, even if it wasn't exactly a "relaxing" vacation!